NBA to Institute Tattoo Cap

Carmelo Anthony’s tats give him cred with the peepsThe two opposing players met at half-court.  But instead of dribbling a basketball they locked arms and chanted “No tats, no peace!”  It was the NBA’s first pro-tattoo work stoppage.

Earlier NBA Commissioner David Stern, reacting to recent bad publicity and plummeting ratings, had instituted a “tattoo cap” for all NBA teams.  Under the terms of the cap, all NBA teams will be limited to 165 tattoos, or 11 tattoos per player.

Reaction from the NBA Player’s Association was swift.

“This is an egregious violation of our collective bargaining agreement” said NBPA President Derek Fisher.  “The only thing that has kept our people together, through years of slavery, death in coffin ships, Jim Crow, lynching, segregation and prejudice is the knowledge that one day we will be able to make millions of dollars and emulate black prison culture.”

Many at the NBPA complain that the cap will lead to an unnatural redistribution of tattoos throughout the league, if not eventual outright elimination of tattoos from basketball.

 “What do I tell the kids playing on neighborhood courts” said Fisher.  “Do I tell them to choose between their tats and their dreams? What would Martin Luther King say?”

The NBA counters this argument by saying that they have the best interests of basketball at heart.

“We just want to level the playing field and give all teams access to tattoos. This will increase attendance” said David Stern.  “It’s the smart economic move to make.”

Stern then denied that he is anti-tattoo and pointed to his creation of an inner city tattoo program.

“We actually have people going to schools in disadvantaged neighborhoods and giving kids tattoos for free.  The point of the cap is not to eliminate tattoos but make the game fairer.” 

Stern then rolled up his sleeve to reveal his “Oy Vey” tattoo.  “You see.  I’m pro-tat.”

Despite Stern’s words the NBPA will seek to end the tattoo cap.

“See how the man takes away our dignity! If this cap is successful, it means that the east Europeans win” said Fisher.


2 Responses

  1. Sad that the white guys always keep the brothers down. It’s the same with me; name me one white guy who’s actually said I’m good for the Gulf. Exactly. They’re all racists.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Hey, I’m a liberal. I love oil spills. I just don’t want them to live in my neighborhood.

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