In Throwback to Cold War, Russian Spies Arrested in United States

Putin declares war on the United StatesIn the week since the arrest of ten Russian intelligence agents living undercover in the U.S., more information has come to light on their secret activities and the information they gathered.

The ten arrested were given orders to penetrate “American policy making circles.”  But over time the scope of their mission changed.  Soon Moscow was asking for other information.  This cable, found in a raid on a New Jersey home owned by one couple arrested asks that they  “gather as much information as possible on American military capability, recruit double agents from the American suburbs and if possible, send us as many pictures as you can of  Megan Fox.  You are authorized to go to California and ask her if she likes Russian men with receding hairlines named Vladimir.  And ask her if she likes vodka.”

Another document found in Boston states, “Gather all information on American policy vis-a-vis Russia.  Also, find out if Dustin Pedroia’s injury is serious.  But always keep in mind the reason you were sent to America – to gather information on their military capability and to send back pictures of Megan Fox.  If you cannot get Megan Fox we’ll settle for Olivia Wilde.”

Also coming to light is the means the agents used to disseminate information, including encoded text in pictures, short-wave radio transmissions, swapping of identical orange bags in train stations, forged passports and a money cache buried in a farm in upstate New York.

Though Federal authorities had been tracking the spy ring for almost a decade the key to finally busting the agents was a Facebook group started by the FBI called “Russian spies living in the United States.”

“The group we started listed activities such as baseball, gardening and gathering information from American policy circles” said an FBI agent. “They all  joined.  Idiots.”

Neighbors of the suspected agents reacted with surprise to the arrests.

“I don’t believe it.  They seemed quite normal.  They liked baseball and gardening.  Just look what they did with the hydrangeas” said a neighbor. “Though they kept asking me if I had any pictures of Megan Fox, which I found a little unusual.  That and the short wave radio they had.  When I asked them what the radio was for they said to send top secret confidential information back to Russia.  But I just figured they worked for the New York Times.”

From Moscow, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin denounced the arrests as an example of “American paranoia.” 

He then took his shirt off, flexed his muscles and took a bottle of vodka from his hip pocket waving it around saying “Megan Fox you like?  I am special ripped muscular Russian gentleman.  I have vodka for you.”

The arrested spies are currently being held under a 24 hour guard.  So far their only visitor has been Olivia Wilde who kept asking them “will I do?”  They are expected to go on trial in the Fall.



2 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    I guess I’m kinda flattered that Russia still thinks we’re worth spying on.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I think it’s habit more than anything else. We aren’t worth spying on anymore, especially since pResident Zero seems intent on turning us into a third world nation.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>