Scientists at the Theoretical Physics Department of M.I.T. announced today that they have found the origin of the elusive substance known as dark matter:  Chuck Cunningham, older brother of Ritchie Cunningham from popular ’70s sitcom Happy Days.

After careful review of all episodes of Happy Days that featured the mysterious and elusive Chuck Cunningham and noticing the effects he had on the gravitational field of the Cunningham household we have come to the conclusion that Chuck Cunningham not only is dark matter but he is more than that.  He is in essence the absence of matter.  The absence of existence.  A puzzling void in the universe.  A tear in the space-time continuum. A freckled freak of biblical proportions.

The statement went on to describe in full the “Chuck Cunningham” effect and warned people against looking directly into Chuck Cunningham’s eyes.

Cunningham constant dribbling of a basketball, played up in the series may have been a control point for this dark matter to enter our universe.  Dribbling also seemed to contain the effects of his dark matter energy.  When he stopped dribbling the gravitational field of Howard “Mr. C” Cunningham’s nondescript Milwaukee house would experience dramatic changes.  Matter would appear out of nowhere.  We theorize that Fonzie, Pinky and Leather Tuscadero, who we have dubbed the Holy Trinity of Dark Matter, were created this way.  How else would you explain Arthur Fonzarelli, a man who appeared to be in his late 30s with no job prospects, becoming such a ladies man?  It is the chaos effect of dark matter.  Women were drawn to him.  Drawn to their deaths in the event horizon of dark matter.

We urge anyone who may have the first two seasons of Happy Days on DVD to burn them immediately.  For the sake of the continued existence of our universe burn them!  Chuck Cunningham theoretically cannot exist but he does. He is the absence of life.  The absolute zero of void.  In Chuck Cunningham, no one can hear you scream.

After the second year of Happy Days, Chuck Cunningham disappeared and was never mentioned again in the Cunningham household.

Using String Theory as a starting point we theorize that this dark, malevolent Chuck Cunningham substance may have entered a parallel dimension to wreak havoc.  It also seems that before he left he wiped the minds of the Cunningham household.  It’s like he never existed. Howard Cunningham made frequent references to having only two children.  The power of this Chuck Cunningham apparently is tremendous.  We have nothing but pity for the poor inhabitants of any parallel dimension he may now be inhabiting.

The statement closed with the hope that, with the secret to Dark Matter now known, in the future mankind will be better able to withstand its effects.

We are confident that we can overcome this Chuck Cunningham.  Now, if we could only figure out what Chachi was all about.  Seriously.  What a dork.

(676)