Yankees Lose; Earth Hurdles Towards Sun, Death of all Life Imminent

“I see great things in baseball.  It’s our game – the American game.  It will take our people out of doors, fill  them with oxygen,  give them a larger physical stoicism.  Tend to relieve us from being a nervous, dyspeptic set. Repair these losses, and be a blessing to us.” ~ Walt Whitman

The First Church of Baseball

The first part of the headline is correct.  The Yankees did lose.  The second part is not true.  However I wanted to impress upon my readers the gravity of the situation.  The Yankees have lost!

Having won two out of three against the Dodgers and their evil ogre of a manager the Yankees came into the Bronx against the Seattle Pilots of the Pacific Coast League, er, the Seattle Mariners of the American League West Division.  Seattle sucks.  The Yankees had Phil  Hughes pitching.  What could go wrong?

Well, everything went wrong. It was a perfect storm of bad pitching. bad defense, bad offense and bad overpriced garlic fries. How bad was it for the Yankees?   Our best pitcher tonight was Chan Ho Park.  Yeah, that Chan Ho Park.

The Yankees started Phil Hughes (10-2 3.58 ERA) while the Mariners started Cliff “Yankee Killer” Lee (7 -3 2.45 ERA.)

The Yankees got on the board first when Nick Swisher hit a home run in the bottom of the first.  1 – 0 Yankees after one.

Phil Hughes did not have it tonight however, giving up one run in the second, third, fourth and fifth innings before giving up three in the sixth and being  mercifully yanked by Joe Girardi.  He lasted 5 2/3 innings, giving up seven runs (six earned) while giving up a home run to Jack Wilson and striking out three.  Phil Lee however pitched  his third straight complete game and gave up his first walk in five starts (and only his fifth of the year) to  Jorge “The hip hip Jorge chant even I think is annoying” Posada.

For the first eight innings Swisher was the only offense for the Yankees, hitting another home run in the bottom of the sixth.  7 -2 Mariners after six.

The Yankees, perhaps realizing they are playing one of the worst teams in baseball rallied for two runs in the bottom of the ninth off of a Cano single and a Posada ground rule double but Chad “The next Shane Spencer” Huffman popped up for the last out.  Final score:  Mariners 7 Yankees 4.

Notes on the game:

Yankee Stadium has signs posted proudly proclaiming that they are the home of “gluten-free pizza.”  Now I looked up gluten and apparently it is a composite of two proteins called gliaden and glutenin.  Or, as I like to say, “don’t give a shit.

As I’ve noticed and written about before, the bathrooms on the lower level subtlety remind us of the differences between the rich and the poor. On the lower level, instead of urinals, they had stadium attendants on their knees ready to take the stream of 100 level ticket holders.  As I had eaten spicy food before arriving at the stadium I think I blinded the poor man.  So I tipped him extra.

The woman sitting next to me held a beer cup that said “This environmentally sustainable cup is made entirely of plastic.”  What a coincidence.  So is my soul.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

While rehabbing his wrist, an eagle swooped down and caught him in her talons. She then proceeded to fly to her nest and feed Johnson to her brood, picking bits of Johnson’s flesh off, swallowing it and regurgitating it to her young.  Yankee officials are confident that this will not deter his mid August return to the Yankees.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “You scream I scream we all scream when the zombies eat our flesh” did not inspire the crowd.  Hey people, I’m just trying to alert New Yorkers to the coming zombie apocalypse.  If they want to be caught off guard it’s their business.

Recommended reading material:

Collected Stories of William Faulkner.

Reader mail:

M.B. of Brooklyn writes, “A bird on my fire escape coughed up Nick Johnson’s ear.  Should I return it?

Definitely not.  You can sell that on Ebay.

A.P. of Poughkeepsie, New York writes, “I am filled with wrath and hatred for my fellow man.”

He must be a fan of the New York Rangers.

T.S. of Astoria, Queens writes “Philadelphia is the greatest city in the world.”

You poor, poor misguided man.

God writes, “And if thou has been forced to eat much, arise, go out, and vomit; and it shall refresh thee.” Ecclesiasticus 31:25

Wow. So God is a woman!’

And so my record stands at 6 -3.   Oh well, at least the Mets lost.

My next game is Sunday July 18th against the Tampa Bay Rays.

And on a completely unrelated note, to cheer fellow Yankee fans up I have enclosed a picture of my ticket stubs from two games where the Yankees beat the Red Sox in extra innings.  You see, it’s not good enough to beat the Red Sox, you have to crush their spirit.  And what do the Red Sox do?  That’s right, Bahstahn sawks cack!  Go Yankees!

Bahstahn sawks cack!



2 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    Nick Johnson: So named because even a tiny nick sends him to the 15-day DL.

    It is nice when Chan ‘Home Run’ Park has a nice game mopping up a Yankees defeat.

  2. Dragongrrl says:

    Phil Hughes may be experiencing the dreaded “dead arm” syndrome. After all, he’s already pitched 88 innings this year compared to a total of 86 last year, most of them in relief. Hopefully, he’ll bounce back because the Yankees only have two good pitchers without him — Sabathia and Pettitte.

Leave a Reply

Using Gravatars in the comments - get your own and be recognized!

XHTML: These are some of the tags you can use: <a href=""> <b> <blockquote> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>