Times Square Bomber Pleads Guilty

What were his motives?Standing in front of a Federal judge, Times Square bomber Faishal Shahzad pleaded guilty to the charges against him.

“I want to plead guilty and I will plead guilty 100 times over until the United States pulls its forces from Iraq and Afghanistan.”

Mr. Shahzad then went on to document for the record his actions leading up to the the attempted bombing on May 1st.

I went to Pakistan for bomb training and that’s what I learned there.  I learned how to make a bomb, how to detonate a bomb, how to put a fuse in a bomb, how to put that sign that says “kaboom” in a bomb.   You know, just like in the cartoons.

Mr. Shahzad expressed puzzlement and disappointment as to why the bomb did not go off.

The bomb was in three, no four sections.  Possible five sections.  The first part was the fertilizer.  I had to improvise since my comrades in Pakistan only gave me $8000 which wasn’t enough to buy the fertilizer I wanted.  So instead I bought a couple hundred KFC Double Downs.  May Allah continue to bless KFC!  The second part of the bomb – if the first part did not work – was the petrol.  I had made a petrol bomb but that did not go off either.  Perhaps there weren’t enough KFC Double Downs to reach critical mass.  Allah knows I ate a few as I was driving into the city.  For that I apologize to my bomb-making teachers in Pakistan.

Mr. Shahzad then talked about his backup plan in case the Double Down instrument of mass destruction did not go off.

I had a Plan 9 From Outer Space all ready….what?  Oh.  Yes yes.  Plan B, Allah be praised.  I had bought a disintegration gun in Pakistan.  And when my disintegration gun disintegrates, boy does it disintegrate. If the bomb did not go off I was going to use this gun to kill all the enemies of the Prophet. But unfortunately the disintegration gun disintegrated.

After parking his car and setting off the timer “an egg timer – the latest in analog technology, Allah be praised” he walked away and waited.

I waited five minutes for a sound.  But there was no sound. So I went into Old Navy to buy some sneakers and polo shirts.  One likes to be comfortable when killing westerners and destroying their culture. After I left Old Navy I walked to Grand Central and took the train back to my heavily mortgaged home in Connecticut.

Shahzad was then sentenced to life in prison at a Supermax Federal prison where he will spend 23 hours a day in solitary confinement.

Upon hearing of the sentence New York City Mayor Bloomberg said that he hoped that Shahzad’s example will discourage others who are behind in their mortgage from resorting to violence.

Shahzad should be a wake up call to banks across the United States – stop selling houses to people who cannot afford it. Who knows how many others like Shahzad across the country are behind on their mortgage and thinking about killing people!

In Batavia, New York, James Harrison, 31 was arrested by Homeland Security after falling behind on his mortgage.  As he was led away Harrison told reporters:

“I don’t want to kill anybody. I just want to refinance my home.”

A spokesman for Homeland Security called Harrison’s comments “an example of the deviousness and cold heart of our treacherous enemy.”

Homeland Security also announced finding a disintegration gun signed by “M. Martian”  in Harrison’s basement.

In her daily briefing with reporters, Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano said, “To those who are behind on their mortgage.  We know who you are and we are coming after you.”



7 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    Critical mass from massive amounts of Double Downs? Psssssssshaw.

    Look, I ate a Triple Down and I didn’t explode…yet.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Yet is the key word. We in the blogosphere are closely monitoring your situation. The EPA is keeping an eye out for an increase in levels of unsafe gas in the air above New Jersey. If a spike is detected, we will know that the blogger known as KingShamus has, sadly, left us.

  3. Matt says:

    On the contrary, perhaps the “unsafe gases” could be captured to provide cheap, clean energy to the masses?

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: Perhaps Al Gore can find a way to add it to his carbon credits scam.

  5. I would have thought Bloomberg would have issued an immediate pardon and started a manhunt to look for the RWEs mad over Obamacare who are really at fault here.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Snarky: Our beloved Mayor at the moment is too busy fighting the implacable enemy of mankind: Sodium. But I’m sure he’ll get around to it when he can.

  7. KingShamus says:

    All I know is that Matt is a poet and he probably doesn’t know it.

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