Ever since the movie Field of Dreams came out in the late ’80s, farmers across the United States have been plowing under their corn to build baseball diamonds.  Unfortunately, unlike in the movie their efforts have met with mixed results.

“I was hoping to make money off of the baseball field like the guy in the movie.  I mean he had people pay him 20 dollars per person” said one farmer.

So I plowed under my best crop, invested in lights for the field.  Bought a backstop.  Put benches up.  But no damn ballplayers.  I waited and waited while the bank tried to foreclose.  Finally I noticed people in my cornfield.  Great. Dead ballplayers.  Now I can make back my investment.  You can imagine how disappointed I was when I found out they weren’t ballplayers but surviving cast members from “Hello Larry.”  I told them to get the f#&$ out of my cornfield.  The bank took my farm soon after that.  My wife left me.  My  kids won’t talk to me.  My dog got run over.  Now all I do is sit in my motel room and drink Jack Daniels.

That farmer’s experience is typical.  Another farmer built his diamond only to have oft-injured New York Yankee DH Nick Johnson show up.

Great.  Just great.  This guy sucks.  And he’s not even dead.  How am I going to make any money off of him? But alright I’ll make the best of this I said.  I asked him if he wanted to play catch.  But the first time I threw the ball at him I broke his nose.  When I brought him back to the house he slipped on the steps and broke his leg.  Then my pit bull tore out a chunk of his jugular.  F#($*#g useless this guy is.  

One farmer built his diamond and received an unexpected visitor.

Okay so I have the damn baseball field built and I’m waiting and waiting and waiting.   Not a dead ballplayer to be found.  Then one day Pete Best shows up. Come on!  So I fired him and replaced him with Ringo Starr.  Ringo doesn’t know shit about baseball but at least he provided a steady back beat.  Still didn’t make any money though.

A farmer from Maryland did actually have a dead ballplayer show up.

Babe Ruth showed up in my cornfield.  How lucky can I get.  I’m sure to make a lot of money with Babe Ruth, right?  But he didn’t want to play baseball.  All he wanted to do was get his gonorrhea treated.  “My balls are on fire man” he kept saying.  Right in front of my kids.  Then he went up to my bathroom to “take a bath and scrub my privates.”  I had that bathtub destroyed.  Now I’m deep in debt.  Next time I’m going to build a damn soccer field.  At least then maybe I’ll make some money off of the Eurotrash.

A most bizarre experience happened to one man in Nevada.

Paul Anka showed up.  He started screaming at me and saying “The guys get shirts” and “Don’t make a maniac out of me.  When I move I slice like a f#!*(*  hammer.”  He kept asking me where Joe was.  How the hell should I know.  I don’t even know who Joe is!

In light of these experiences the American Association of Farmers has recommended that their members not build baseball diamonds in their cornfields but instead diversify their crops, replacing corn with Belgium Endive.

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