The Greatest Story Ever Told, the 1965 blockbuster starring Max von Sydow as Jesus is going to be remade.

“It won’t be just any Jesus movie” said a Hollywood executive. “It’s going to be the edgiest, hippest, greenest Jesus movie ever.”

Among the differences between the original and the new version:  In this version Jesus will be a black transsexual lesbian.

“We tried finding a real black transsexual lesbian actress to play the role but they were all busy dating Bill Maher so we hired Sean Penn instead.  The man is so versatile!”

The rationale behind the change is a consensus that in the 1965 version there was a regrettable tendency to portray Jesus as a man.

“Definitely the original was male-centric. To make the movie more relevant to today’s audience this must change.”

The Sermon on the Mount will be renamed “The Sermon About Global Warming.”  During the sermon Jesus will talk about man-made environment change and the responsibility we all have to curb our carbon footprint.

“Blessed indeed are those who care for the environment” said the executive.  “We want people to leave the movie theater inspired to buy carbon credits.  And if I know my black transsexual lesbians, that is what Jesus would have wanted.”

The character of Pontius Pilate will be patterned after Sarah Palin.

“Pontius Pilate is a villainous character.  How can we make him more evil? We immediately thought of that woman from Alaska.  She’s one of the greatest villains in history.”

During the climatic trial and crucifixion scenes, Pontius Pilate will wash his oil-soaked hands, while shouting “Drill baby drill!”

The resurrection event will be portrayed as an environmental statement.

“I think I’m on safe theological grounds here when I say the entire purpose of the resurrection is to protect the environment.  Jesus is showing his compassion for Mother Earth by not leaving his body behind as waste.”

Acknowledging that the changes in the story of Jesus may prove controversial,  the executive is still confidant that the new-retelling of Jesus’ life will make him more relevant to the masses.

“Look, will traditionalists like it?  Probably not.  We may lose a few red state fundamentalists.  But we don’t want their business anyway.  And in the end our version of Jesus is more modern, more hip and certainly greener.”

The movie is due to be released in time for Christmas and will be called “The Greenest Story Ever Told.”

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The woman in the nursing home held a baby seal in her lap.  The seal would open her eyes, blink and coo when talked to.  Only the seal was not real.  It was robotic.

A young man held his date’s hand and whispered into her ear. Only she was not real.  She was robotic.

These two examples point out the great advances in robotic technology.

“The days when a robot dog could only wag its tail and bark are long gone” said an executive with a Japanese robotics firm. “We’ve made great advances in just the last few years alone.  Today our robots are most life-like.”

But some experts warn that robotic technology has become too life like.

A prime example of why ethicists are worried is the Nancy Pelosibot 3000, currently the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

“The Pelosibot is almost too human.  If they could only make it blink its eyes no one would know she’s a robot” said one critic.  “But she is a robot.  And can a robot understand the ramifications of her actions?  Does a robot care about the morality of how it votes?”

Experts point to the recent bill passed by the House and sponsored by Pelosibot that requires all military in Afghanistan to get written permission from the Taliban consenting to be shot by U.S. troops before aggressive action can be taken.

“That’s the kind of half-assed action I would expect in a backward third-world country like Holland or Wales but not the U.S.  If Nancy Pelosi were human would she have sponsored that bill?”

Experts also warn that people who buy robots expect perfection while in fact they are buying products designed by humans with human flaws.

“I spent $6,000 to buy a Japanese sex robot” says one man.

So when I got it in the mail I was very excited.  I took it out of the box and brought it into the bedroom.  Boy was I ready for hot sex.  Instead she kept asking me when I was going to take her dancing.  She wouldn’t let me touch her until I agreed to buy her some new shoes. Then she kept nagging me and telling me that I was not going to spend the entire weekend on the couch watching football.  I couldn’t take it any longer so I hit her over the head with a shovel and buried her in the back yard next to my wife. I mean the other robot I bought.  Yeah, well I don’t care what the neighbors think they saw.  That was a robot!  You can’t dig up my back yard without a warrant!  This interview’s over.

People are now being warned against buying the latest in robotic technology.

“It’s not worth it.  Besides nothing can substitute for the love and warmth of human companionship.  Well except for beer.  And maybe a dog.”

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Stunned by his outcast status in Hollywood, former box office champ Mel Gibson has launched a campaign to rehabilitate his image. Gibson’s first priority:  finding a 13-year old girl to sodomize.

“I have seen the outpouring of support for Roman Polanski in Hollywood” said Gibson.  “And if it worked for Polanski then I’m willing to give it a try.” 

Accordingly Gibson has placed an ad on Craigslist looking for a 13-year old girl “into candy, fun times and anal sex.” The ad asks that any girl who is interested to contact Gibson directly as he no longer has an agent.  Also, anyone who responds “must not dress slutty as I don’t want you to get f#$%#d by n$**@$s.”

Throughout Hollywood reaction to Gibson’s decision has been positive.

WME, which had dropped Gibson as a client last week said through a spokesman:

Gibson’s announcement, if true, is an important first step towards rehabilitating his image and we welcome him back into the Hollywood mainstream.  However, we will not represent him again until we have proof that he has actually sodomized a 13-year old.  Only then will we feel comfortable having him as a client.  Only then will he be able to hold his head high in Hollywood again.

Michael Moore wrote in a similar vein:

This is just the beginning.  Gibson still has much to do to gain the respect of his Hollywood colleagues.  While I welcome his decision to sodomize a 13-year old it would help if he would also issue a statement calling American troops fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan “killers.” If he would compare al qaeda to the Minutemen who fought in our so-called revolution he would gain much good will.

Bill Maher wrote that “doing a 13-year old is just a publicity stunt.  If Gibson is serious about being welcome in Hollywood again let him renounce Christianity.”

Sheryl Crow expressed concern that Gibson has not done enough to fight global warming.  “He had lots of children with his ex-wife.  How much toilet paper does his family use?”

Anticipating criticism that he has not done enough to be welcomed back into Hollywood, Gibson has stated that once he is finished with the 13-year old, “whomever she may be”, he intends to fly to South America to have his picture taken with Hugo Chavez and “if possible, be blessed by that saintly man.”

Meanwhile, director Oliver Stone has released a video purporting to show Gibson on the phone berating his Russian ex-girlfriend.

“If you notice, Gibson’s head moves back and to the left.  Back and to the left.  Back and to the left. There is more here than meets the eye!”

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Popular Hollywood celebrity Porky Pig has been arrested while driving on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu, California.

Shortly after 2:30 am PST police stopped Mr. Pig in his Lexus LS 430 for driving 87 miles an hour in a 45 mph zone.  Police noticed an open bottle of Cazadores Tequila which was half empty and immediately gave him a breathalyzer test which found his blood alcohol level to be .12.  Pig was then placed under arrest.

It was at this point that Pig became belligerent and began to experience mood swings.  While handcuffed in the car Pig made anti-Semitic remarks to the arresting officer, who was Jewish.

“Are y-y-you a j-j-j-j-Jew?” Pig reportedly asked the arresting officer before telling him that “j-j-j-j-Jews are r-r-r-responsible for a-a-a-all the w-w-w-wars in the w-w-w-world.”

At the police station where he was brought he allegedly became verbally abusive to a female officer, screaming “W-w-w-w-what are y-y-y-y-you looking at s-s-s-s-sugar t-t-t-tits?”

Pig was then tasered by officers and placed in a holding cell.

Pig has released a statement through his publicist that says in part:

After drinking alcohol last night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the L.A. County sheriffs.  I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person or cartoon character. I acted like a cartoon character completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said and I apologize to anyone who I have offended.  My lifelong battle with alcoholism is a source of profound shame to me. Indeed it is the greatest shame of my life.  Well, that and the fact that I never wear pants and have no genitalia.

Pig also announced that he is entering the Betty Ford Clinic in an attempt to end his dependency on alcohol.  He also said he hopes that the structured routine of rehab will help him “grow a pair.”

The Ant-Defamation League issued a statement calling Pig’s apology “insufficient.”  They also called Pig “ritually impure pork.”

A spokesman for The Society for Jewish-Pork Harmony hopes that Pig’s arrest will not “undo the good work we have done bridging the historical divide between the Jewish and Pork communities.”

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