Last year in the United States approximately 3,000 people were abducted and probed by aliens, making it the third leading cause of unwanted probing behind only Star Trek conventions and the Jonas Brothers tour.

As part of my award-winning series of useful information for my readers I now provide you with handy tips to avoid alien abduction as well as surviving an abduction if you are unfortunately captured.

Tips to avoid alien abduction

Actually there is only one thing you need to know to avoid abduction and probing by aliens:

•  Do not be white trash

Statistics show that 97.5% of those abducted and probed by aliens are classified as belonging to white trash.  So the next time you visit the convenience store avoid buying wine coolers or 16-ounce cans of Schlitz.  Instead take a chance on a micro-brewed beer.  Because if aliens see you with a can of Schlitz in your hand you will be abducted and probed.  But don’t just take my word for it.  Listen to testimony from this victim of alien abduction, whom I will call “D.B.”:

I was out of beer so I drove down to the store to pick up some Schlitz.  As I left the parking lot I was suddenly blinded by a white light.  I was lifted off the ground and brought into some sort of ship.  I found myself surrounded by small blue men who strapped me face down to a table.  They spent the next three hours probing me.  I mean, I don’t even like the Jonas Brothers.  Boy did I learn my lesson.  Nowadays I drink only micro-brewed beer.

What to do if you are abducted?

The first thing to do if you are abducted is not panic.  Aliens, despite their superior technology have one weakness:  Anecdotal evidence suggests that aliens spontaneously combust when exposed to Wham!.  I recommend that if you ever find yourself abducted try singing a few verses of “Careless Whisper.” Alien abductee “E.K.” writes:

I was on my way to a Star Trek convention when I was abducted and strapped to a table.  Cool I thought.  Seven of Nine is about to probe me.  But it wasn’t her.  It was aliens!  But I remembered what I read about aliens and I started singing every Wham! song I could remember.  It worked!  Every alien let out a high pitched scream and then exploded.  What a mess.  Did you know that exploded aliens kind of resemble lasagna?

I also suggest sabotage. Try pouring diesel fuel into the gas tank of an alien vessel.  This will disable the ship and when they are busy draining the tank you can make your escape.

As a last resort try starting a discussion group with the aliens.  Suggest a topic like “Grant’s Overland Campaign of 1864” or “Neil Patrick Harris:  the man, the myth, the legend.” Aliens cannot resist discussion groups.  While they are deep in conversation you can make your escape.

And so readers, there you have it.  Follow my advice and avoid alien abduction!

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