Hollywood to Remake The Greatest Story Ever Told

Jesus walks to protect the environmentThe Greatest Story Ever Told, the 1965 blockbuster starring Max von Sydow as Jesus is going to be remade.

“It won’t be just any Jesus movie” said a Hollywood executive. “It’s going to be the edgiest, hippest, greenest Jesus movie ever.”

Among the differences between the original and the new version:  In this version Jesus will be a black transsexual lesbian.

“We tried finding a real black transsexual lesbian actress to play the role but they were all busy dating Bill Maher so we hired Sean Penn instead.  The man is so versatile!”

The rationale behind the change is a consensus that in the 1965 version there was a regrettable tendency to portray Jesus as a man.

“Definitely the original was male-centric. To make the movie more relevant to today’s audience this must change.”

The Sermon on the Mount will be renamed “The Sermon About Global Warming.”  During the sermon Jesus will talk about man-made environment change and the responsibility we all have to curb our carbon footprint.

“Blessed indeed are those who care for the environment” said the executive.  “We want people to leave the movie theater inspired to buy carbon credits.  And if I know my black transsexual lesbians, that is what Jesus would have wanted.”

The character of Pontius Pilate will be patterned after Sarah Palin.

“Pontius Pilate is a villainous character.  How can we make him more evil? We immediately thought of that woman from Alaska.  She’s one of the greatest villains in history.”

During the climatic trial and crucifixion scenes, Pontius Pilate will wash his oil-soaked hands, while shouting “Drill baby drill!”

The resurrection event will be portrayed as an environmental statement.

“I think I’m on safe theological grounds here when I say the entire purpose of the resurrection is to protect the environment.  Jesus is showing his compassion for Mother Earth by not leaving his body behind as waste.”

Acknowledging that the changes in the story of Jesus may prove controversial,  the executive is still confidant that the new-retelling of Jesus’ life will make him more relevant to the masses.

“Look, will traditionalists like it?  Probably not.  We may lose a few red state fundamentalists.  But we don’t want their business anyway.  And in the end our version of Jesus is more modern, more hip and certainly greener.”

The movie is due to be released in time for Christmas and will be called “The Greenest Story Ever Told.”


9 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    I understand the Roman centurions who scourged Jesus will be made up to look like George Bush.

    Hollywood: Always keeping it fresh and hip.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I can’t wait for Hollywood’s trendy, hip, edgy remake of “1776”:

    Racist white teabaggers complain about taxes! Deny minorities vote! Starring Whoopie Goldberg as Ben Franklin and Michael Moore as Thomas Jefferson.

  3. Mark says:

    Judas will be played Bernie Goldberg. Dick Morris was unavailable as he was busy sucking Mary Katherine Ham’s toes.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    So that’s why Mary Katherine Ham won’t return my phone calls. Damn you Dick Morris!!

  5. innominatus says:

    I like the way they portrayed Jesus in Ben Hur. Remember that scene where Jesus was trying to give some Roman slaves a drink of water but the Roman guard knocked the cup of of His hand? Jesus gives the guy a “Boy, you have NO IDEA who you’re screwing with” look that gives me chills.

    I know this is a silly post and I shouldn’t be commenting about real scenes from real movies, but the mention of MKH made me forget what we were talking about.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I remember that scene. Jesus was Heavenly PO’d.

    Mary Katherine Ham has that effect (or is it affect) on men. She tends to make us forget what we were talking about.

  7. Matthew says:

    I could see Judas as more of a Joe Lieberman for the loony left.

  8. Matt says:

    I would have thought they’d have Karl Rove play Pilate. Or Cheney?

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    All valid suggestions. But they’ve have to join the Union first.

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