The Manhattan Infidel's Guide to Neighborly Harmony

Follow my advice and your neighbors will like youI get many emails from people asking me my opinions on life.  They write me “Please, Manhattan Infidel, give us advice.  We trust you” or “Manhattan Infidel you have all the answers” or still yet “Manhattan Infidel, what part of restraining order don’t you understand?”

Having already given advice on dating, marriage and fatherhood, I now turn my attention to how best to be a good neighbor.

All you need to know is there is one simple rule to neighborly harmony:  full frontal nudity.

Clothing can often be used to hide weapons.  A gun.  A switchblade. Death lasers. Klingon bat’leths. A George Michael CD.  Two George Michael CDs.  Books about sparkling vampires. Clothing can make your neighbors suspicious.

“Is that a gun in his pocket or is he reading a book about sparkling vampires?” your neighbor might say.  You might find your neighbors avoiding your company over such a misunderstanding.

Hence the need for full frontal nudity.  Showing your neighbor your naked body will let him know you have nothing to hide.  I suggest approaching your neighbor and saying something like “I reveal my inmost self to you” as an ice breaker.  Who can possibly object to a spirit of openness such as that?

If possible try to involve your neighbor in fun activities.  While naked approach your neighbor and say “I have hot wax and suction clamps.  Are you into it?”

Knowledge is the key to self-fulfillment.   If your neighbor has a daughter around 16 years old try approaching her while naked and saying “Don’t be frightened by my bodily functions.  Let me teach you about biology.”

How can any decent neighbor object to a friendly offer to tutor his daughter?

If despite your nudity you find your neighbor still avoiding you do not be discouraged.  He probably is not used to having a good neighbor such as yourself.  Redouble your efforts to be neighborly.  Perhaps he has some sort of mental taboo about hairiness.  Knock on his front door (while naked of course) and say “I think we got off on the wrong foot.  Would you like to shave my privates?”

Offer to shave his private parts too.  But do not bring up sparkling vampires or George Michael.

And there you have it readers.  So take off your clothes and introduce yourself to your neighbor.  Tell them the Manhattan Infidel sent you.  Have I ever given you bad advice before?


3 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    No, that wouldn’t be creepy at all.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    You see? Have I ever steered my readers wrong before? Just follow my advice and you will live in peace and harmony with everybody.

  3. Matt says:

    This is certainly nothing to get arrested for.

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