In an undercover sting operation, FBI agents in conjunction with Homeland Security arrested a popular snowman by the the name of Frosty after he allegedly tried to set off an explosive at a Christmas tree lighting ceremony.

Frosty was arrested after he dialed a cell phone that he thought would set of a powerful explosive, potentially killing thousands that were attending the tree lighting. After Frosty was arrested witnesses say he was dragged, kicking and screaming, to a patrol car.

“Death to the infidel! Allah Akbar! Kill all crusaders!” was all Frosty said.

News of Frosty’s arrest has shocked his friends.  Said one:

He was just a normal snowman. No different than anybody else. Well, except he was sentient.  And he liked to smoke.  And he was way to friendly with the neighborhood boys and girls if you know what I mean.

Authorities believe Frosty became radicalized last Spring when he watched friends of his melt in the warmer weather.

“That was very traumatic for Frosty” said a neighbor.  “He kept pleading with us, ‘Help my friends.  They are all melting!’  we told him it was just the change of seasons and it would happen to him too.  That’s when he went North for the Summer.” 

On board the train taking him north Frosty allegedly hatched his scheme to become a suicide bomber, sending an email to a local imam:

I now know the truth about the crusaders.  They are evil.  Let’s do this.  Let’s strap some explosives to me.  I want to kill all the infidels.  But if you don’t have any openings for a suicide bomber I feel I can help in other ways.  I’m good at PowerPoint. Perhaps I can develop some jihad presentations?  Also I have desktop support experience, which might come in  handy.  If we are going to bring about an 8th Century caliphate, we better have our computers up and running.

When Frosty returned to his old neighborhood he was a changed snowman.

“He had this evil look in his eye” said a neighbor.  “Like Nick Nolte during a bender.”

Another neighbor complained that when invited to parties, Frosty would try to hand out Korans and talked about going to Yemen to join “the holy war.”

“I finally stopped inviting him.  He smoked you know.  And that set a bad example for the kids.”

Frosty is currently being held in an undisclosed, high security location.

“We have the head snowball in one prison block and the torso snowball in another – for security’s sake” said a Homeland Security officer.

Frosty has yet to ask for a lawyer.  His only demands were for a prayer mat, a Koran and a DVD of Sleepless in Seattle.

(517)

Gandalf the White cut a dramatic figure, his staff in his hand.

“You shall NOT pass…….up these great savings opportunities.  All week at select stores.  Tell them Gandalf the White sent you.”

The director yelled “Cut!” and another take was filmed.  Between takes I had the opportunity to sit down with this legendary figure of Middle Earth.

MI:  Gandalf I want to thank you for meeting with me.  Lots of your fans want to know, why all the commercials?

Gandalf:  Well, a wizard’s got to make a living.  Saving Middle Earth was very rewarding but I still have to pay the bills.

MI:  Have you talked to the others?  Do you still stay in touch?

Gandalf:  Not really.  Sam Gangee is married now.  Frodo spends most of time alone brooding.  And don’t get me started on Legolas and Gimli and their relationship.  I was trying to sneak into Mordor and save middle Earth and those two kept going off together to swap bodily fluids.

MI:  They’re married now.

Gandalf:  I heard.

MI:  You started out as Gandalf the Grey, died and came back as Gandalf the White.  What’s it like coming back from the dead and being a White?  Any difference?

Gandalf:  To tell the truth I was disappointed.   I mean I fell into a deep subterranean cavern and battled a balrog for two days and nights.  He killed me.  I’d heard so many myths about Whites and when I came back as a White I was expecting more I guess.

MI:  No extra powers?

Gandalf:  Nothing.  All I got was a parking space, a gold watch and tickets to see Celine Dion.  I tell you I was so angry I almost converted to Lutheranism.

MI:  What’s the biggest misconception people have about wizards?

Gandalf:  People think most of us are English. Actually a lot of us come from California.

MI:  So for now you’ll continue with the commercials?

Gandalf:  I don’t see why not.  They pay me well.  Apparently I have a high “likeability” factor.  I came in third in survey behind the guy who narrates Deadliest Catch and Eminem.  That’s why I was hired to be the corporate spokesman for Wal-Mart.

MI:  Again,  I thank you for your time.

Gandalf:  You shall not pass……up these great savings opportunities!

MI:  Yeah, I’ve heard it before.

Gandalf:  Sorry.  I get paid a royalty every time I say it.

Gandalf will be appearing at the Wal-Mart in Bayonne New Jersey all next week.  The first 500 in attendance get a signed photograph.

(682)

Sesame Street, tucked away in upper Manhattan in New York City, once the poster child for urban recovery, has fallen on hard times as of late.

“It’s seen a dramatic increase in violent crime the past year” said NYPD Commissioner Raymond Kelly.  “I fear we just don’t have the resources to keep the streets safe.”

Indeed, the latest crime stats released show a 40% increase in murder over 2009, with a 25% increase in rape and 10% in robbery.

The culprit:  Drugs.

The NYPD has fought a losing battle against the drug traffic on Sesame Street.  Despite their best efforts drug use has escalated.

“We can arrest all the small time dealers and users we want” said Kelly.  “But until we get the big man – the Cookie Monster – the drug trade will continue unabated.”

New York police have been stymied in their efforts to catch the Cookie Monster, in part because of Mr. Monster’s political connections to Al Sharpton and Charlie Rangel.

 “The last time we arrested him his lawyer came and bailed him out. He just thumbed his nose at us and said, ‘You can’t catch me Whitey.’ ”

Many residents of Sesame Street are now fearful of leaving their residences at night.  Count Von Count (pictured here)  who runs the local Gay Men’s Health Crisis Center says that he “doesn’t leave my place at night anymore.  Not even for twinks.  I mean twinkies. If this keeps up I may move to Yonkers.”

The straw that broke the camel’s back for many on Sesame Street was the murder of beloved long-time resident Big Bird.  Bird, who was well respected on the Street for his efforts to help children get an education was gunned down during a block party.

“This car pulled up and shot him twice in the head and twice in the groin.  It was a f$*&#*g execution I tell you” said a witness.

Police believe that Big Bird, who had started a “Keep kids off drugs” after school program may have fallen afoul of the Cookie Monster.

Mr.  Monster when reached for comment told reporters that “I had nothing to do with that.  Don’t spread lies kid or you might have an accident.  Kapish?”

Regardless of who was responsible, many residents and shopkeepers have already left Sesame Street.  A quick tour of the neighborhood showed many boarded up storefronts.

“It’s going to get worse before it gets better” said Commissioner Kelly.  “I just hope the residents don’t lose hope.”

(716)

When former astronaut Steve Austin awoke after crashing his plane his life was permanently changed.  He was missing one eye, both legs and his left arm.

“It was definitely a game-changer” says Austin.  “I mean, what can a blind cripple do except maybe get a job in the Buffalo Bills offensive line?”

Enter Oscar Goldman, Director of OSI (Office of Strategic Intelligence), a new intelligence outfit started during the Clinton administration to monitor the length of interns’ hemlines.

Testifying before a sympathetic congress, Goldman intoned:

Steve Austin, astronaut.  A man barely alive. Gentleman we can rebuild him. We have the technology.  We have the capability to build the world’s first bionic man.  Steve Austin will be that man.  Better than he was before.  Better, stronger, faster.

Promising to bring the project in ahead of time and under budget, Goldman was given six million dollars.  Plans were drawn up for a bionic eye with a 20:2:1 zoom lens with night vision, bionic legs that will enable Austin to make great leaps and run at speeds up to 60 miles per hour and a bionic right arm with the equivalent strength of a bulldozer.  Scientists were particularly excited by the potential speed of the bionic legs.

“Do you know what this means?” said one scientist.  “We can enter him in the Olympics.  Finally a white guy will win the 100 meters.”

But cost overruns soon plagued the project.  It took six million dollars alone to build Austin’s tracksuit.  With an estimated new  price tag of $1.2 billion the project was discontinued by a cost-cutting Congress.

So two years later Austin sits in a Naval hospital playing chess with orderlies as his frustration mounts.

“I was kind of hoping they’d build a bionic penis for me” said Austin.  “I mean, Jaime Sommers is smoking hot and I’d like to get me some of that.”

The OSI has been shut down and there are no further government-run plans to pursue bionic technology.

As for Oscar Goldman he has gone into business with the Chinese and is developing a series of bionic dogs.

“Let’s see a jihadist stand up against a cocker spaniel that can run 60 miles an hour!”

(775)