New WikiLeaks Documents Reveal Classified Information

WikiLeaks scumbag Julian AssangeThe latest release of over 20,000 WikiLeaks documents has revealed startling and heretofore unknown divisions among world leaders.  WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange defended the release of the documents, saying:

We are serving the cause of Democracy.  We are serving the cause of humanity.  So….do you want to come back to my hotel room? You’re 18 right?  If you’re not don’t worry about it. Age is just a number.

One of the major disagreements involves the situation in the Middle East.  As one document clearly shows President Obama’s priority is solving the Palestinian situation whereas King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia was more concerned with the threat Iran poses.

Document # 3257B:

King Abdullah:  The Iranians are mad dogs.  We must let Israel and the Americans bomb them.

Prime Minister Angela Merkel (Germany):  Definitely. It’s the smart thing.

President Obama:  Which one of you is a King?  I have to bow.

King Abdullah:  What?  We’re talking about the Middle East.

President Obama:  I am firmly committed to a Palestinian state.

King Abdullah:  That’s nice but what about the Iranians?

President Obama:  Anyone for a pick up basketball game?  I’ll be on the court if anyone needs me.  I hope I can change the score and beat you all.

Prime Minster Merkel:  (After Obama leaves)  Who the hell was that?

King Abdullah:  I think it was Denzel Washington.

Document # 1463C shows the concern many leaders had about Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi’s lifestyle:

Berlusconi:  Damn I am tired.

Merkel:  Well maybe if you didn’t stay up to 5 AM partying you’d have more energy to focus on negotiations.

Berlusconi:  It was a proper, dignified dinner party.

Merkel:  I found you in bed with 15 women.  One of them was Snooki!

Berlusconi:  She’s knocking me out with those American thighs.

President Obama:  (to Merkel) Is he from Pennsylvania?  He sounds like he’s clinging to old established ways.  Now if you excuse me I have to go play a game of basketball.

Berlusconi:  Who the hell was that?

Merkel:  I think it was Jamie Foxx.

And finally, document # 1672 shows the subterfuge necessary to release these latest documents:

Assange:  So we’re all set to smuggle these documents out.  The war-like and racist Americans are fighting the release but I know a way to get them out of the country.

President Obama:  I’ll do anything I can to help.

Assange:  This is a CD labeled “Lady GaGa.”  It has all the documents. Take it with you.

President Obama:  It’ll be my pleasure.  How about a game of basketball?

Assange:  No thanks.  I have to wait for the hookers, er, my date

Unidenfied:  (After Obama leaves) Who was that?

Assange:  Michael Jordon.

Unidentified:  Who?

Assange:  Michael Jordon.  He’s an American underwear model.

Assange, upon release of the documents promised even more shocking revelations in the future:

We have one document that shows that the Walrus was in fact not Paul, not John but 1940s big band leader Kay Kyser.  Yeah, I was surprised too.  So……..would you like to come back to my hotel room?  How old are you?  Are you into it?

The State Department continues to decry the leaks, calling them “a threat to our security.”



7 Responses

  1. Hey, at least Assange is not demanding that somebody release his ‘second chakra’.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KS: Releas the Kraken! No wait, that’s totally different.

  3. innominatus says:

    It’ll be interesting to see where Charlie Sheen fits into this diplomatic mess, ‘cuz you know he just has to have been involved somehow.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Inn: Well, Sheen obviously was the one who introduced Berlusconi to Snooki.

  5. Matt says:

    goo goo g’joob

  6. MK says:

    Sounds about right, the halfwit can’t concentrate on the real issues.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: I think they should take assange and hang the bastard. But that’s just me.

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