The Inner Agony of Tom Brady

Tom Brady wears a baseball cap to hide his baldnessTom Brady, three-time Superbowl Champion quarterback had a problem. His wife Giselle Bundchen had locked him out of the bedroom.

“Please honey” he tearfully pleaded.  “Why don’t you love me anymore?  What can I do?”

At first there was silence on the other end of the door.  Then Bundchen spoke up.

“Leave this house immediately you bald headed freak.  You’re not the man I married.  I though I was getting a rich guy with hair.  But you’re just a rich guy.  I can’t even look at you anymore.  You disgust me.”

Brady broke down sobbing.

“But I bought a toupee.  I thought you liked it.  Is it the toupee glue?  I know that emits an odor.  I told you I’m sorry about the time it dripped all over you.”

Bundchen raised her voice.

“How can I respect a bald man like you.  You’re worse than Hitler!”

Distraught, Brady crawled out onto the ledge of their 10th floor penthouse.  Police arrived on the scene after neighbors reported a possible suicide attempt.  A police negotiator tried to talk him down.

“Son.  Don’t do it.  Whatever it is it can’t be that bad.”

Brady continued sobbing.

“My wife doesn’t love me anymore because……because”, and here he removed his baseball cap.  “Because I’m bald.  How can any woman love me now?”

The police negotiator, temporarily blinded by the sight of Brady’s bald dome, shielded his eyes with his megaphone.  Conferring with his captain, it was decided to stop all efforts to prevent the suicide.   One by one, police got into their patrol cars and left.  Before leaving, the officer in charge told reporters that “we were going to save his life.  But he’s bald.  And that makes him less attractive.  And unattractive people are evil.” 

After the police left, Brady, deciding not to commit suicide but instead to leave town and live outside the pale of humanity placed a paper bag on his head.

He was last seen walking along the highway screaming, “I am not an animal.  I am a human being!”

Note:  In the interests of full disclosure it should be mentioned that the blogger known as Manhattan Infidel bears a striking resemblance to recently fired Minnesota Viking head coach Brad Childress.  (Minus the pornstache.)  This man is EVIL!!!

And yes, I am evil.


8 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    Yes, you ARE evil. But that’s why I read your blog. 🙂

  2. Manhattan Infidel: Come for the satire, stay for the evil!

  3. innominatus says:

    You may be evil but I think you would have handled the Randy Moss thing a lot better.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: It’s lonely being evil. But blogging helps.

    CRS: Of course I hacked your server. I’m evil!

    Inn: I would have given randy moss a blog after I released him.

  5. MK says:

    Really, i thought rich bald guys were the in thing. No wait, do they have to be gay as well?

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Woman love rich bald guys. Especially if they are Bruce Willis.

  7. Matt says:

    I have always know you were evil. I consider it one of your strengths.

    The real question is this, would you be more evil WITH a pornstache?

  8. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: With the pornstache I am too evil. There would be no hope for humanity.

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