The Manhattan Infidel's Guide to Fiscal Sanity

Print more money!  It solves everything!With the Federal Reserve’s announcement that it will be buying $600 billion more of U.S. debt, with out of control spending by the government and with countries around the globe worried about America’s long-term fiscal heath, we at the world wide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel present our plan, submitted for your approval dear readers, to balancing the budget, reducing the debt and restoring fiscal sanity:

  1. Print more money!
  2. Monopoly money!
  3. Raise our debt ceiling!
  4. Mary Louise Parker!
  5. Europe is being mean to us!
  6. Print more money!

Suggestion no. 1:  We have to print more money. It’s simple really.  If we print more money, we’ll have more money to spend.  If we print more money, we can use that money to pay down our debt.  If we print more money, more greenbacks will be floating around.  And that will increase the value of the dollar and lower our debt.  More is better!  Trust me.  I’m not an economist, but I was in a bookstore once and walked past the textbook section which had some economic books so I think I know what I’m talking about.

Suggestion no. 2:  We have to print Monopoly money.  We Americans love diversity.  It is one of our core principles.  So instead of relying only on U.S. dollars, add to the available money supply by printing Monopoly money. Everyone loves that game and using Monopoly money will enhance our reputation abroad and lead to good will. Trust me.  I live on the coast and that makes me automatically smarter than those who live inland.  (I just hope I land on the free parking and not the go straight to jail box.)

Suggestion no. 3:  Raise our debt ceiling. Americans are a tall race and who wants to bump their head on an artificial value like a debt ceiling?  The only way to reduce our debt is to increase it!  By increasing our debt astronomically we make ourselves more attractive to outside investors.  Trust me.  I’m the Manhattan Infidel and if you disagree with me you’re racist.

Suggestion no. 4.  Mary Louise Parker.  Mary Louise Parker can help soothe the savage beast that is Manhattan Infidel Actress Mary Louise Parker will move in with me.  How will this help restore fiscal sanity?  Well……it couldn’t hurt, could it?  Cut me some f#&$*#g slack people.  I’m lonely.

Suggestion no. 5.  Europe is being mean to us.   How can we ever reduce our debt by printing more money if Europe insists on fiscal restraint?  Maybe if we apologize to them for past wrongs they will see we are right and print more money themselves.  Trust me.  I voted Democrat once and that makes me smarter than you.

Suggestion no. 6.  Print more money!  Who needs trees?  Chop them all down to print more money.  I know what you are saying: “But Manhattan Infidel, U.S. currency is not printed with wood fibers.  It is composed of 75% cotton and 25% linen.”   I have only one thing to say to that:  You’re stupid.

And there you have it.  My deeply thought-out, scientific and intellectual steps to reducing our debt.  And Mary Louise Parker, please call me.  Mary Louise Parker please call the Manhattan Infidel


12 Responses

  1. The Jungers says:

    I would like to disagree with you but I’m afraid of being considered racist, its bad for my image.

  2. The Mary Louise Parker Solution seems to only benefit you, Manhattan Infidel.

    Where are the free Hollywood hotties for the rest of us?

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    TJ: Racist!

    CRS: Yes, the Mary Louise Parker Solution benefits only me. But it’s the trickle down effect. What’s good for me is good for everybody.

  4. The Jungers says:

    So if we are all suppose to share the wealth, does that also mean share the women? Cause if that’s the case I get first dibs on sharing with Infidel!

  5. innominatus says:

    Let’s get the US Mint to print a single $500 billion note with barry’s portait on it. We can FedEX it to China and say “Here ya go. We’re even.”

    MLP needs to move out here to Orygun where she can grow the mj for “medicinal purposes only” and not risk getting in trouble.

  6. Manhattan Infidel says:

    In the interests of harmony, and to better the lot of struggling humanity, here is the MLP sharing schedule: Mon, Wed, Fri I get her. Tue and Thur KingShamus gets her. Saturday the Jungers get her and on Sunday she flies out to Oregon to tend to her plants.

    And, yes, the correct pronunciation of Ore-gun, as we here in the east say it, is Ore-gone.

  7. The Jungers says:

    Ore-gone makes me think of orgy gone, which makes sense for Sundays because she will have left.

  8. Karen Howes says:

    You forgot, “Tax the crap out of people till you bleed them dry!”

  9. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: Mary Louise Parker will help ease the pain of my high taxes.

  10. Well I think you have it all covered here. Including the redistribution of teh wimmenz, which is about damn time.

  11. Matt says:

    By they way, that name defaults to me here.

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