If it is possible for anything good to come out of the tragic shooting in Arizona it is the emergence of Sheriff Clarence W. Dupnik.  Not only is he a charismatic law enforcement officer that will not enforce Arizona’s immigration laws, it also turns out he is a talented poet and performance artist who uses his public appearances to express his art.

We here at the World Wide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel are always excited whenever a brilliant new artist appears upon the scene.  We’d like to take this opportunity (before the Feds shut down this “rhetorically charged, hate-filled” blog) to feature the works of this brilliant, ironic, satirical artist/sheriff.

Perhaps his best known work is one entitled, “Cognitive Dissonance“:

I will not enforce this State’s racist immigration laws

Mexicans mow my lawn

Rush Limbaugh is responsible

He followed this up with another critically acclaimed piece of Haiku called “Law?”:

The Law?  It’s just irresponsible.

Our jails will be filled in a day.

Out in the fields

I fight for my meals

I put my back into my living.

I have a Mexican cook.

Another moving poem (that has been nominated for a Pulitzer) is called “I’m a Democrat””

I miss the country I grew up in.

Negroes not allowed to vote.

It is all Sara Palin’s fault.

His most famous work is called “The Left Side”:

The hatred, the anger, the bigotry that goes on

In this country is 

Outrageous

If you disagree with me you are a racist.

As for what is next for Sheriff Dupnik, sources close to him say that he plans to use his recent publicity to go on a tour of the United States, where he will read his works while in his pajamas and reclining in bed, with his wife next to him and posters that say “Hair=Peace” and “Bed=Peace” behind him.

Ultimately, Sheriff Dupnik plans to end his tour in Greenwich Village in New York City where he hopes to hang out in coffee shops, wearing a beret, sipping cappuccino and talking to like-minded artists.

“I want to be known as a thinking man’s sheriff/poet/performance artist.  And please tone down your inflammatory rhetoric.”

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In a tragic event Saturday, a crazed loner opened fire at an event in Arizona, shooting Congresswoman Gabrielle Gifford in the head and killing a Federal judge and five others, including a nine-year old girl.

While the motives of the gunman Jared Lee Loughner have so far not been identified, it appears that he was an angry loner that classmates describe as having a penchant for radical politics.  While authorities have as of yet been unable to find any pictures of Sara Palin at his apartment they continue to look for any evidence that she was involved.

FBI director Robert Mueller cautioned against a rush to judgment saying:

We do not want to implicate the wrong people.  But as of this moment, seeing as he is a white male and lives in a red state, profiling suggests that he was a right wing religious fanatic.  Possibly a tea bagger.  Most likely heavily influenced by Sara Palin.  He probably is sexually frustrated by his unconsummated lust for the former Alaskan governor.  I mean, her pouty lips, firm breasts, pleasing figure, MILF hotness – the poor boy  probably just snapped.  What?  I’m not talking about myself!

On MSNBC, analyst Keith Olbermann devoted his entire show to the tragedy of intolerance.

Who is Jared Lee Loughner?  We don’t know.  No information is available yet.  But we can be sure of his motives:  He was an intolerant, racist, teabagging, religious fanatic who wanted to kill those who look different than he does.  It’s always the white man.  Always!  Look at the list of  mass murderers down through the ages:  Ghengis Khan, Pol Pot, Alex Trebek.  They were all white men of northern European origin. And who did he get his marching orders from? Alaskan troglodyte Sara Palin!  Sara Palin – you are the worst person in the world!  This person, Loughner is a church-going fanatic.  And we know that if you are religious you are probably a repressed homosexual who cruises late at night for Brazilian boy toys, taking them to cheap hotels and castrating them, leaving your victims lying in a pool of blood. What?  I wasn’t talking about myself.

Despite the fact that Congresswoman Gifford was an avid supporter of the Second Amendment, President Obama held a press conference expressing sorrow over the shooting and promising to restrict gun ownership.

I’d like to express my sympathies to the congresswoman’s family.  I want to stress that while we should not rush to judgment we have to ask ourselves whether the charged and polarizing language used by those on the right may have contributed to this tragedy.  I ask former Alaskan Governor and Fox news contributor Sara Palin to have her followers refrain from violence.  I also vow to bring before Congress legislation restricting gun ownership to those who pass a Government-approved ideology test.  This test will be created and administered by the White House.

President Obama then told reporters that a further, more expansive statement on why the Constitution gives him the authority to do this will be forthcoming, “as soon as I get back from the golf course.”

Hollywood has already begun lensing a movie about the tragedy called “The Attempted Assassination of Gabrielle Gifford by the Coward Jared Lee Loughner who was Acting under Orders from Sara Palin.”

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The New York Times announced today that President Barack Obama has been voted the most admired man in America.  Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr, publisher of the Times announced that after a poll of everyone in his office that President Obama has won the award for “his efforts to bring peace to our world and climate change to our distressed planet.”

The poll was impartially conducted in our office. Our editors we feel are pretty representative of America as a whole.  We are all white, have vacation homes in Long Island and none of us has ever done any manual labor, allowing us to build our intellectual powers.

The survey, conducted over the week involving all of the Times editors and writers, “but not the people who work on the loading dock”  found that by a overwhelming margin of 95%, President Obama contained in himself all those qualities that were most admired.  Said Sulzberger:

Well right off the bat one notices and admires President Obama’s profound intellect.  He truly is a deep-thinking man.  A constitutional scholar.  Our country, indeed the world, is privileged to have him walk amongst us.

Sulzberger then recounted an anecdote that displayed President Obama’s mental powers.

I was having dinner with him at one of Manhattan’s finer restaurants and I asked him if he wanted white wine or red wine with his meal.  Instead of impulsively blurting out an answer he stood there for about ten minutes with his mouth wide open and a glassy, unfocused look in his eyes.  I could sense the profound intellectual struggle taking place within him. I wanted to help him.  I wanted to redistribute the awful responsibility of his intellect from his shoulders. After ten minutes he said, “Whatever you want is fine.”  What a consensus builder!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, according to the editors of the New York Times the least admired man in America turned out to be Jesus Christ.  Sulzberger continues:

None of us has actually read the Bible but my cousin Fred knows a Republican and I asked him about Jesus’ opinions on climate change, gays serving in the military and the necessity of a two-state solution in Palestine.  It turns out that Jesus was distressingly silent on all these hot-button issues.  Clearly this man has forfeited the right to be admired.

When told of the results, a clearly humbled President Obama said, “I am the man I have been waiting for.”

To display his profound intellectual superiority, President Obama will appear on The View where he will explain why the Constitution gives him unlimited power.

“I am in the best interest of America” said the President.

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Recently I had the chance to sit down with the “favorite wonk” of MSNBC, liberal blogger Ezra Klein.  It is not often in today’s heated,  hyperpartisan times that those of differing ideologies have a chance to talk to each other and I thank Mr. Klein for meeting with me.

MI:  Let’s get started.  You recently made some comments about the Constitution –

Ezra Klein:  Wow – you’re old!

MI:  Um.  I admit to being a few years older than you but I’m hardly a senior citizen.

Ezra Klein:  I’m having trouble understanding you.  What language is that you are speaking?

MI:  It’s English.

Ezra Klein:  Middle English?  Wow.  Did you know Chaucer?

MI:  It’s Ye Modern English.  Let’s move along.   You recently stated that the Constitution was old and confusing and that no one really knew what it meant.

Ezra Klein:  Well like, duh!  It’s old man.  It’s 100 years old or something.

MI:  It’s 223 years old so I guess your assertion is technically correct.

Ezra Klein:  223 years old?  Wow! Math is hard!! That’s like older than the Rolling Stones.  No one knows what people thought back then.  There are no records back that far.

MI:  There are plenty of records back “that far.”  There are many manuscripts in the founding fathers’ own hands that will give insight into what they thought the Constitution meant.   I suggest you try reading the Federalist Papers.

Ezra Klein:  The Federalist Papers?  What’s that?  Is that Ben Bernanke’s autobiography?

MI:  It’s a series of articles written by Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and John Jay for New York newspapers in 1787 arguing for the ratification of the Constitution.

Ezra Klein:  Now you’re just making stuff up. They didn’t even have newspapers back then.  There wasn’t even written languages.  Man was still living in caves.

MI:  Okay let’s…..this topic is getting us nowhere…….what’s on your iPod?

Ezra Klein:  Justin Bieber.  I love him!  He’s the Justin Timberlake of his generation.  What are you listening to?

MI:  The Beatles.

Ezra Klein:  Man they are old!  They’re like from the ’40s or something.  I mean I want to  Hold Your Hand?  Who knows what they meant by that.

MI:  I think it’s pretty obvious –

Ezra Klein:  Hey I have to go.  I’m gonna be late for class and if my grades go down my mom will be pissed.  She’s already angry at me because I forgot to put the garbage out last night.

MI:  Well then I guess you should go.

Ezra Klein:  Thanks.  Are you gonna be okay old man?  Do you need help getting back to the nursing home?

MI:  I don’t…..I don’t live in a nursing home.  I live in my own place.

Ezra Klein:  That is so cool man!  When I’m as old as you I hope I can live by myself. Anyway nice talking to ya.  Try one of the bran muffins.  They help you move your bowels.  I heard old people sometimes have problems doing that.  Bye!

And so ended my conversation with Ezra Klein.  By the way, I did try one of the bran muffins and they do work as advertised.

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