Nation of Emotional Cripples Bans Bullying

The United States will now be more sensitiveStunned by recent incidents of schoolyard bullying, and heeding the cry of Hollywood to do something, the House passed a resolution calling for an end to “all bullying and unnice behavior” in the entire United States “unless said bullying is directed at a monster such as Sarah Palin.”

The House resolution was introduced by Anthony Weiner, (D-NY) of the ninth congressional district.  During a moving speech that had himself and many members of the House in tears, congressman Weiner recounted painful incidents from his childhood when he was bullied:

I remember it like it was yesterday.  It has seared my consciousness.  In 8th grade I was chosen last for the volleyball team in gym class.  I was so humiliated I went home, cried, played my Simon and Garfunkel albums and read the Lord of the Rings trilogy to get my mind off things.  As I lay in bed that night, dreaming of escaping my troubles with Frodo and Samwise Gamgee I decided then and there to dedicate my life to social justice.  Never again in my America would a man with no athletic ability whatsoever be chosen last.  I mean just because I throw like a girl –

And here Weiner broke down, sobbing, unable to continue.

After paramedics gave Weiner oxygen and placed him on a stretcher it was Steny Hoyer’s (D-MD) chance to talk about the anti-bullying resolution.

I can identify with my younger colleague.  I too have been bullied.  I too have been humiliated.  In high school I asked Julie Davidson to the prom.  I had been in love with this girl since the 4th grade. I finally got the courage to speak to her.  I walked right up to her and asked her if she would go to the prom with me.  She laughed and called me a “doofus.”  All her girlfriends she was with laughed at me too.  I felt so embarrassed my ballsack retreated up into my throat.  It had to be surgically extracted.  I vowed then and there that never again in my America would a nerdy doofus be denied the opportunity to take an attractive woman to the prom.  I yield the balance of my time but not before saying – bullying – never again!  Bullying!  Never again!  Unless it’s directed at Sarah Palin or her slut children.

The House resolution, in addition to banning bullying mandates that all sporting events must contain at least five nonathletic nerds who throw like girls.  Also, whenever possible games must end in a tie to ensure that “everyone feels good about themselves and those who would have lost aren’t traumatized.”

Cheer leading squads must contain “four ugly girls with braces, at least three one-legged girls and if at all possible one manly hermaphrodite.”

The House resolution will now be sent to the Senate where it is expected to pass easily, thanks to Harry Reid (D-NV) who often sits alone in dark room, crying because he used to wet the bed. Often.  In college. And law school.  And the floor of the Senate.


2 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    “The House resolution, in addition to banning bullying mandates that all sporting events must contain at least five nonathletic nerds who throw like girls.”

    Well, Obama now has a chance!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt: That’s sacrilege! Have you seen The Chosen One on the basketball court? HE’s our most athletic President since Taft!

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