Long Island, Los Angeles Vie for Title of Serial Killer Capital of United States

Long Island, New York and Los Angeles California are separated by 3000 miles.   But they share one thing in common.  Both are home to numerous prolific serial killers.  Both would like to be known as the “Serial Killer Capital of the United States.”  But only one can get that coveted title, the recognition and the tourism that comes with it.

“We want the title.  We deserve the title”  said Los Angeles Mayor Antonio R. Villaraigosa.  “Long Island is a punk on the serial killer scene.”

Mayor Villaraigosa then recounted Los Angeles’ long history of serial killing and the many benefits for serial killers who would like to relocate to L.A.

L.A. has plenty of gangs.  Lots of gang-related violence.  Shootings.  Decapitations.  If you come here you stand a good chance of not getting caught.  If 10 decapitated bodies suddenly are found the police will just think the  Bloods and the Crips had a social that got out of hand.  And, if you are unlucky enough to get caught, well, we have the whole movie industry right here.  You can literally pick who you want to play you.  Many involved in show biz are serial killers themselves.  Mostly prop masters.  Do you think those guns and knives they carry around are just props?  Hah!  I know one prop master who has 25 bodies buried in his back yard, mostly executive producers though a couple are prostitutes and one is a drummer Paul McCartney fired.

But on the east coast, Nassau County Executive Edward P. Mangano believes that Long Island has the right stuff.

We have over 200 miles of pristine coastline.  Sandy beaches.  Plenty of places to dump a body.  Can L.A. say that?  Plus Long Island has plenty of prostitutes.  You can literally kill dozens before anyone notices one missing (except during conventions of course.)  And our proximity to New York’s night life means you can dump a body and see a Broadway show all in one night.  Long Island is a friendly community.  We already have many serial killers residing here, mostly help desk technicians who work in Manhattan.  Hey, you spend 12 hours a day telling someone their password is “12345” and it’s not case-sensitive.  You’d feel the urge to murder as well.  So, if you are a serial killer looking to relocate, I say come to Long Island.

The competition to be named the Serial Killer Capital of the United States is very competitive and tempers run high.  Mayor Villaraigosa has personally decapitated ten homeless people.

“I will do what it takes.  I will kill whomever I have to kill.  Unless it’s Ashley Judd.  I like her.

The winner will be announced live on A&E in March.  In addition to the heavy favorites of LA and Long Island, Boston, Chicago,  Seattle and newcomer Pleasant Valley, New York are also considered in the running.


3 Responses

  1. Karen Howes says:

    It’s no coincidence, either, that NY and CA have the most restrictive gun laws in the country.

  2. It won’t be a real competition until Bayonne, NJ gets into the race.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KH: Well, that just means we have a more creative brand of serial killer. No lazy relying on the gun here.

    Shamus: Bayonne is full of spree killers, not serial killers. Let’s not get the two confused. They are an entirely different species of animal.

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