The New York Times announced today that President Barack Obama has been voted the most admired man in America.  Arthur Ochs Sulzberger, Jr, publisher of the Times announced that after a poll of everyone in his office that President Obama has won the award for “his efforts to bring peace to our world and climate change to our distressed planet.”

The poll was impartially conducted in our office. Our editors we feel are pretty representative of America as a whole.  We are all white, have vacation homes in Long Island and none of us has ever done any manual labor, allowing us to build our intellectual powers.

The survey, conducted over the week involving all of the Times editors and writers, “but not the people who work on the loading dock”  found that by a overwhelming margin of 95%, President Obama contained in himself all those qualities that were most admired.  Said Sulzberger:

Well right off the bat one notices and admires President Obama’s profound intellect.  He truly is a deep-thinking man.  A constitutional scholar.  Our country, indeed the world, is privileged to have him walk amongst us.

Sulzberger then recounted an anecdote that displayed President Obama’s mental powers.

I was having dinner with him at one of Manhattan’s finer restaurants and I asked him if he wanted white wine or red wine with his meal.  Instead of impulsively blurting out an answer he stood there for about ten minutes with his mouth wide open and a glassy, unfocused look in his eyes.  I could sense the profound intellectual struggle taking place within him. I wanted to help him.  I wanted to redistribute the awful responsibility of his intellect from his shoulders. After ten minutes he said, “Whatever you want is fine.”  What a consensus builder!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, according to the editors of the New York Times the least admired man in America turned out to be Jesus Christ.  Sulzberger continues:

None of us has actually read the Bible but my cousin Fred knows a Republican and I asked him about Jesus’ opinions on climate change, gays serving in the military and the necessity of a two-state solution in Palestine.  It turns out that Jesus was distressingly silent on all these hot-button issues.  Clearly this man has forfeited the right to be admired.

When told of the results, a clearly humbled President Obama said, “I am the man I have been waiting for.”

To display his profound intellectual superiority, President Obama will appear on The View where he will explain why the Constitution gives him unlimited power.

“I am in the best interest of America” said the President.

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