The news that English Actor Henry Cavill, best known for his role in The Tudors, will be the next Superman has thrown new light on an old Hollywood tradition:  hiring the English to play American roles.

“Hollywood has always had an inferiority complex about itself” according to one pop culture historian.  “And it sees the English as one way of ‘classing up’ its act.  And they are cheaper than the French.”

Perhaps the first and best known Englishman to play an American was Lassie. However, Lassie almost didn’t land the coveted role as producers were worried about Lassie’s English accent, as this surviving clip from Lassie’s screen test shows:

Mother:  What’s wrong Lassie?  Is Timmie in trouble?

Lassie:  Ruff!  ruff!  ruff mate! (pause)  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said mate.  Hey, what time is tea break around here?

Lassie also did not like the Irish, and when he encountered an Irish stagehand would bite him on the ass.

The Lone Ranger’s faithful sidekick Tonto was also played originally by an Englishman, though he was fired and replaced by Jay Silverheels.  It seems that the actor hired to play Tonto found Tonto’s lines written in pidgin English demeaning and insisted on using proper syntax.  For instance a line written in the script as “Him say man ride over ridge on horse” would be said as “I say ole chum, the mate says he rode his horse plum over that ridge.”

The actor insisted on an afternoon tea break being written into his contract.  He also didn’t like the Irish and whenever he encountered an Irish stagehand would bite him on the ass.

“The Irish are expendable but a 15 minute tea break?  Come on!  Time is money” said one of the show’s producers.

Gary Cooper was not the first choice to play Lou Gehrig in Pride of the Yankees.  The producers originally hired Laurence Olivier, but as this outtake shows Olivier did not work out.

Olivier:  Mate, what is my position in the batting order in today’s match of rounders?

Director:  Cut!  Larry it’s not a match.  It’s a game.  It’s not rounders, it’s baseball and he’s not your mate he’s your f#$*!(% manager!

Olivier: I say ole chum, there’s no need to get dramatic about it.  What time is tea break?  You colonials do not know how to make a decent cup of tea.

Olivier also did not like Irish stagehands, and the insurance costs for bite marks on the Irish became too expensive to justify keeping him.

As for Cavill, the producers of the new Superman movie are confident that they have resolved any issues that might arise.

Tea breaks and English tea brewed by authentic Englishman will be available on set. Also all Irish stagehands will be wearing specially made extra thick underwear.

“That’s so if Cavill bites anyone we don’t have to waste time getting a doctor.”

(681)

The staid, conservative Midwestern city of Milwaukee Wisconsin has been torn in two by the infamous Howard Cunningham scandal.

Cunningham, businessman, lodge member and erstwhile family man shocked his friends and family by sending out a written statement announcing the end of his marriage to his wife Marion.

After years of denying my true sexuality I can no longer hide it.  I am a gay man.  A gay hardware store owner.  A gay man who owns a hardware store who for the first time in his life is in love, a whispering man love.  I am moving in with Arthur Fonzarelli.   I realize this decision will cause pain to many of my friends.  I ask them to respect my decision and respect the privacy of the Fonz and myself during this difficult transition to an active gay lifestyle.

Though Cunningham’s decision surprised many, there were signs of trouble in his marriage.  Said family friend Ralph Malph:

There didn’t seem to be any sexual passion between Mr. C. and Mrs. C.  She was something of a cold fish.  She once told me that after their eldest son vanished she lost all interest in sex.  And Mr. C?  He  thought he was fooling all of us but he kept going up to Fonzie’s apartment above the garage.  For a “game of cards” he said.  I guess he needed an outlet for his insatiable sexual appetite. Who can blame him? We’re all lonely and need love.  God I’m so lonely. So bitterly lonely. Can I touch you?  Not the taser again!  Jesus Christ that stings!!

Cunningham’s second oldest son (and now oldest after the mysterious disappearance of Chuck Cunningham)  told reporters:

This is a sensitive subject.  Obviously I love my father and respect his decision even if I don’t agree with it. I also love my mother and hope she finds someone to take the place of my father.  Other than that what can I say? I’m so traumatized I may have to lose my hair and direct Tom Hanks.

As for Arthur Herbert “The Fonz” Fonzarelli, the leather-clad garage mechanic who won Howard Cunningham’s love, he couldn’t be happier.  He was recently spotted at a Home Depot buying curtains for the house the two will share.

I really wanted blinds.  They are so utilitarian.  But Mr. C. insisted on drapes.  I guess I’m just a softie who can’t say no to his man.

Cunningham’s estranged wife Marion was asked to interview for this article but declined.

(653)

Recently I had a chance to land an interview with George Taylor, better known as the only survivor of  four astronauts who landed in Earth’s future, where humans were enslaved and inferior and the planet was ruled by Apes.  The interview took place over dinner.

MI:  Thanks for meeting with me.

Taylor:  Manhattan Infidel, would an ape make a human doll that talks?

MI:  I don’t know.  I don’t see why not?

Taylor:  Would an ape make cherry pie?

MI:  Huh?

Taylor:  What about cheese fondue?  Would an ape make cheese fondue?

MI:  Okay, let me start the interview here.  You were the sole survivor of the four. Stewart died before you landed, Dodge was killed in the hunt and Landon –

Taylor:  [Yelling]  THEY CUT HIS BRAIN OUT!!!

MI:  Okay, I’m going to have to ask you to keep your voice down. You’re disturbing the other diners.

At this point the waiter brought over our dinner:  Chilean sea bass for me and nice juicy porterhouse steak for astronaut Taylor.

MI:  This looks good.  I can’t wait to dig in.

Taylor:   Will you look at this?  I distinctly asked for my steak medium rare.  This is well done! I can’t eat this!  [Yelling]  YOU MANIACS!  YOU BLEW IT UP!  GOD DAMN YOU!  GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

MI:  Well just return it then. No need to be such a drama queen.

A busboy approached our table to take Taylor’s steak back.

Taylor:  [To busboy] TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!

MI:  He’s the busboy!!  You’re attracting attention to yourself.  Please, let’s just enjoy the meal and continue the interview.

The manager of the restaurant approached our table and asked Taylor to keep his voice down or he would be asked to leave.

Taylor:  IT’S A MADHOUSE!   A MADHOUSE!!

MI:  Please.  I have some more questions.  What was your relationship like with Cornelius and Zira?

Taylor:  Cornelius didn’t like me.

MI:  Why?

Taylor:  I slept with Zira.

MI: You slept with an ape?

Taylor:  I’m a guy and Nova wasn’t putting out for me.  Ape women aren’t as bad as you’d think, once you get over the mustache. It’s like making out with an Italian woman.

MI:  One last question.  How did you not know you were back on Earth?  All the apes spoke English.  And that map that Cornelius showed you?  Clearly it was New York.

Taylor:  Imagine me needing someone.  Back on Earth I never did.  Oh there were woman.  Lots of women.  Lot’s of love making but no love.

MI:  Okay.  I think I’ve asked all the questions I need.

The waiter brought our check (which I had to pay for) and we left the restaurant and shared a smoke on 5th avenue.  Taylor was quiet as he watched the traffic go back and forth.

Taylor:  Oh my God.  I’m home.  All the time!

Here Taylor collapsed to the ground and pounded his fist on the pavement.

Taylor:  WE FINALLY DID IT.  DAMN YOU!  GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

MI: Yeah, yeah, I know.  We blew it up.  What else is new.  Here’s ten dollars.  Take a cab back to your hotel.

That has got to be the strangest and most unpleasant interview I ever did.  I left Taylor on the sidewalk, still pounding his fist into the pavement.  I think he was arrested.  But I can’t be sure.  I never saw him again.

(1018)

Following the tragic events last weekend in California where popular game show host Wink Martindale became inundated with radioactive isotopes after consuming a contaminated six pack of Bud Lite, the Department of Homeland Security has released a Threat Level Assessment Chart concerning Mr. Martindale.

After consuming the six pack Martindale grew to 30 feel tall and developed an insatiable hunger for childrens’ brains, prompting him to break open the roofs of several local elementary schools to consume all the children he could find.

Said Department of Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano:

We take our responsibility to protect Americans from Wink Martindale very seriously.  Naturally we cannot be in all places at once so we have developed this handy Wink Martindale Threat Level Assessment Chart.  We ask all Americans to familiarize themselves with this chart so that your kid’s brains will not be eaten by a game show host.

Green, the lowest level, means that there is no imminent threat from Wink Martindale.  “He’s got to sleep sometime” said Napolitano.  When the threat level is green citizens are advised to go about with their normal lives.

Blue, or guarded, means that there is generalized threat from Wink Martindale.  When the level is blue citizens are advised to go about their normal lives but to be watchful for what many lurk around the corner as it could be a 30-foot tall irradiated game show host.

Yellow, or elevated, means that there is a significant threat of an attack by Wink Martindale. When the level is yellow citizens are advised that Wink Martindale has been sighted, is on the move and is hungry.  Citizens should remain at home and away from all children.

Orange, or high, means that Martindale is actively attempting to rip the roof off of a school in search of a child brain snack.  When the level is orange citizens are advised that children can be replaced but fixing a school roof is very expensive.  “It’s all about priorities. Sucks to be your kid but deal with it” said Napolitano.

If the threat level is Red, or severe, this means that Martindale has moved beyond childrens’ brains and will eat any human he comes into contact with.  When the threat level is red citizens are advised to find a Republican since he probably owns a gun.  Stay close to him if you want to live.

At the moment there is only one known antidote to Wink Martindale:  Chuck Woolery.   However be advised that Woolery does not work on weekends or holidays.

(910)