New Superman is English!

I’m fighting for truth, justice and - ooooh!  It’s tea time.The news that English Actor Henry Cavill, best known for his role in The Tudors, will be the next Superman has thrown new light on an old Hollywood tradition:  hiring the English to play American roles.

“Hollywood has always had an inferiority complex about itself” according to one pop culture historian.  “And it sees the English as one way of ‘classing up’ its act.  And they are cheaper than the French.”

Perhaps the first and best known Englishman to play an American was Lassie. However, Lassie almost didn’t land the coveted role as producers were worried about Lassie’s English accent, as this surviving clip from Lassie’s screen test shows:

Mother:  What’s wrong Lassie?  Is Timmie in trouble?

Lassie:  Ruff!  ruff!  ruff mate! (pause)  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said mate.  Hey, what time is tea break around here?

Lassie also did not like the Irish, and when he encountered an Irish stagehand would bite him on the ass.

The Lone Ranger’s faithful sidekick Tonto was also played originally by an Englishman, though he was fired and replaced by Jay Silverheels.  It seems that the actor hired to play Tonto found Tonto’s lines written in pidgin English demeaning and insisted on using proper syntax.  For instance a line written in the script as “Him say man ride over ridge on horse” would be said as “I say ole chum, the mate says he rode his horse plum over that ridge.

The actor insisted on an afternoon tea break being written into his contract.  He also didn’t like the Irish and whenever he encountered an Irish stagehand would bite him on the ass.

“The Irish are expendable but a 15 minute tea break?  Come on!  Time is money” said one of the show’s producers.

Gary Cooper was not the first choice to play Lou Gehrig in Pride of the Yankees.  The producers originally hired Laurence Olivier, but as this outtake shows Olivier did not work out.

Olivier:  Mate, what is my position in the batting order in today’s match of rounders?

Director:  Cut!  Larry it’s not a match.  It’s a game.  It’s not rounders, it’s baseball and he’s not your mate he’s your f#$*!(% manager!

Olivier: I say ole chum, there’s no need to get dramatic about it.  What time is tea break?  You colonials do not know how to make a decent cup of tea.

Olivier also did not like Irish stagehands, and the insurance costs for bite marks on the Irish became too expensive to justify keeping him.

As for Cavill, the producers of the new Superman movie are confident that they have resolved any issues that might arise.

Tea breaks and English tea brewed by authentic Englishman will be available on set. Also all Irish stagehands will be wearing specially made extra thick underwear.

“That’s so if Cavill bites anyone we don’t have to waste time getting a doctor.”


7 Responses

  1. Greg says:

    It sounds like they got their asses covered wit cavill.

  2. The Jungers says:

    How did the English actors get past the bottle of whiskey in the Irishmen back pocket. That’s were they store that you know.

  3. I would think Lassie would’ve broken off a few teeth trying to bite through anything thicker than a krumpet.

    Turns out British dog’s teeth are horrible too.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: Lassie had bad teeth, but a union dentist.

    TJ: Damn Irish!

    greg: No down time with cavil. the ass is covered (literally)

  5. Matt says:

    This brings additional meaning to “CYA.”

  6. MK says:

    I was going to suggest they wear kryptonite in their underpants, seeing as how dumbass superman for all his tricks hasn’t figured out a way around that. But then i suppose extra-thick underwear is easier to source than kryptonite.

  7. Gordi says:

    fantastic points altogether, you simply gained a brand new reader.

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