Following the tragic events last weekend in California where popular game show host Wink Martindale became inundated with radioactive isotopes after consuming a contaminated six pack of Bud Lite, the Department of Homeland Security has released a Threat Level Assessment Chart concerning Mr. Martindale.

After consuming the six pack Martindale grew to 30 feel tall and developed an insatiable hunger for childrens’ brains, prompting him to break open the roofs of several local elementary schools to consume all the children he could find.

Said Department of Homeland Security Chief Janet Napolitano:

We take our responsibility to protect Americans from Wink Martindale very seriously.  Naturally we cannot be in all places at once so we have developed this handy Wink Martindale Threat Level Assessment Chart.  We ask all Americans to familiarize themselves with this chart so that your kid’s brains will not be eaten by a game show host.

Green, the lowest level, means that there is no imminent threat from Wink Martindale.  “He’s got to sleep sometime” said Napolitano.  When the threat level is green citizens are advised to go about with their normal lives.

Blue, or guarded, means that there is generalized threat from Wink Martindale.  When the level is blue citizens are advised to go about their normal lives but to be watchful for what many lurk around the corner as it could be a 30-foot tall irradiated game show host.

Yellow, or elevated, means that there is a significant threat of an attack by Wink Martindale. When the level is yellow citizens are advised that Wink Martindale has been sighted, is on the move and is hungry.  Citizens should remain at home and away from all children.

Orange, or high, means that Martindale is actively attempting to rip the roof off of a school in search of a child brain snack.  When the level is orange citizens are advised that children can be replaced but fixing a school roof is very expensive.  “It’s all about priorities. Sucks to be your kid but deal with it” said Napolitano.

If the threat level is Red, or severe, this means that Martindale has moved beyond childrens’ brains and will eat any human he comes into contact with.  When the threat level is red citizens are advised to find a Republican since he probably owns a gun.  Stay close to him if you want to live.

At the moment there is only one known antidote to Wink Martindale:  Chuck Woolery.   However be advised that Woolery does not work on weekends or holidays.

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