Dr. Zachary Jones, research scientist at the Institute for Science Stuff, knew immediately his invention would change the world.
It has five speeds and three pulse patterns! And when I put a lawnmower in front of it, well damned if it didn’t start her up and cut the grass. I’m hoping for a Nobel prize myself.
Word of the new invention has many excited. Stores are reporting that they are back ordered for the new vibrator, dubbed “Robovibrator” until the Summer of 2012.
Dr. Jones says that not only has the world changed, but so has his life.
Oprah has dedicated a special about my invention on her new network. She says I’m a hero. I don’t know about that. I’m just a humble scientist working with a government grant. But I was flattered that she wanted me to join her book club.
Those not excited by the invention: Men.
Rehab clinics are reporting a 500% increase in men checking themselves in for addiction to alcohol. Said one man who checked himself into a clinic:
My wife won’t touch me anymore so I went to a prostitute. She wouldn’t touch me. She asked me how many pulse patterns I have! What the hell is a pulse pattern? All I have now is alcohol.
But it is not all bad news for men. Many are reporting an unexpected side effect of not being wanted by their wives: More time to play golf.
At a golf course several men who were about to tee off spoke of their new-found ability to play golf whenever they wanted.
First man: It used to be I had to sneak golf in. Whenever I got my clubs the wife would say “Where the hell are you going?” But now that she doesn’t need me I can play whenever I want.
Second man: It’s not as good as the touch of a woman but it’s close.
Third man: Actually it’s better.
Second man: Now that you mention it, you’re right.
First man: Definitely. Thank God for golf.
Dr. Jones states that the next generation of his invention will come with Internet Explorer and Java, so “women can watch movies while they use it.”
As for the possibility of six speeds and four pulse patterns, Dr. Jones says that will never happen.
“Some things mankind was not meant to tamper with.“
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Zachary Jones just needs to invent a Real Doll that cooks, cleans and dispenses beer on command and then both sides will be happy.
Shamus: Amen brother!!
Research shows that since the release of the Robovibrator alcoholism has gone down 60% due to the lack of women to bring men a beer. Others studies show a 30% increase in starving men due to the lack of women making them sandwiches. Officials are scrambling to find a solution and are likely to pass legislation regulating the use of the Robovibrator.
TJ: We must make the Robovibrator safe, legal and rare.
BWAHAHAHA!!!
And I just read the title… can’t wait to see what’s in the actual post…
While I see that this is a potential disaster, King Shamus shows himself to be a great visionary.
KH: I report. You decide.
Matt: King Shamus IS a visionary. And I want what he’s using.
Why don’t the call it the Roborator, sounds better doesn’t it.