The staid, conservative Midwestern city of Milwaukee Wisconsin has been torn in two by the infamous Howard Cunningham scandal.

Cunningham, businessman, lodge member and erstwhile family man shocked his friends and family by sending out a written statement announcing the end of his marriage to his wife Marion.

After years of denying my true sexuality I can no longer hide it.  I am a gay man.  A gay hardware store owner.  A gay man who owns a hardware store who for the first time in his life is in love, a whispering man love.  I am moving in with Arthur Fonzarelli.   I realize this decision will cause pain to many of my friends.  I ask them to respect my decision and respect the privacy of the Fonz and myself during this difficult transition to an active gay lifestyle.

Though Cunningham’s decision surprised many, there were signs of trouble in his marriage.  Said family friend Ralph Malph:

There didn’t seem to be any sexual passion between Mr. C. and Mrs. C.  She was something of a cold fish.  She once told me that after their eldest son vanished she lost all interest in sex.  And Mr. C?  He  thought he was fooling all of us but he kept going up to Fonzie’s apartment above the garage.  For a “game of cards” he said.  I guess he needed an outlet for his insatiable sexual appetite. Who can blame him? We’re all lonely and need love.  God I’m so lonely. So bitterly lonely. Can I touch you?  Not the taser again!  Jesus Christ that stings!!

Cunningham’s second oldest son (and now oldest after the mysterious disappearance of Chuck Cunningham)  told reporters:

This is a sensitive subject.  Obviously I love my father and respect his decision even if I don’t agree with it. I also love my mother and hope she finds someone to take the place of my father.  Other than that what can I say? I’m so traumatized I may have to lose my hair and direct Tom Hanks.

As for Arthur Herbert “The Fonz” Fonzarelli, the leather-clad garage mechanic who won Howard Cunningham’s love, he couldn’t be happier.  He was recently spotted at a Home Depot buying curtains for the house the two will share.

I really wanted blinds.  They are so utilitarian.  But Mr. C. insisted on drapes.  I guess I’m just a softie who can’t say no to his man.

Cunningham’s estranged wife Marion was asked to interview for this article but declined.

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