In a tough and forward looking State of the Union speech, President Barack Obama reminded Americans of the challenges this country faces, including our debt.

Accordingly, President Obama laid out a series of proposals that would cut spending dramatically.  Among the planned cuts:

1. When flying home to their congressional district aboard a private, government-owned jet, congressmen and senators will have to provide their own bag lunch.  “This will trim our deficit by hundreds of thousands of dollars and send a message that our elected representatives are serious about their responsibilities.” 
2. When dining out congressmen and senators will no longer be able to buy $3,000 bottles of wine and put it on the government’s tab.  They will now be limited to $2,000 dollars per bottle of wine.  “We have many heavy drinkers here tonight.  I know this will create short-term pain but it’ll reduce our deficit. “
3. When hanging out in a brothel in Nevada and accidentally killing a prostitute during sex play, congressmen and senators will no longer be able to call upon the Corleone family to clean up the mess.  “Fredo’s nice but stupid.  That son of a bitch Michael kept raising fees on us. ” From now on, the cleaning up of dead prostitutes will be outsourced  to India.
4. Deep space exploration will be cut from NASA’s budget.  “A planet where apes evolved from men?” asked the President.  “There’s got to be an answer.  I just hope it doesn’t involve math.”

Following up on his admission, a new, humble President Obama admitted that he wasn’t very good at math.

“Math is hard.  I’m just a constitutional scholar.”

Despite his lack of math skills, President Obama asked for America’s trust as he tackled the debt.

“If it’s one thing I’ve learned during my years as a community activist it’s that the only way to reduce spending is to increase spending!”

He then outlined his proposals to reduce our debt.

1. Within 40 years 80% of America’s energy will come from clean energy sources such as pixie dust, hope, and the tears of a clown.  “Only massive government spending will accomplish this.”
2. The zombie apocalypse will be averted by a government program to research causes and a possible solution to zombie-ism.  “Again, only massive government spending will accomplish this.”
3. Within five years all Americans will have teleprompters of their own, “so that a genuine dialogue between the average American and the Washington elite will be possible.”

President Obama then closed his State of the Union speech by thanking all Americans for giving him the opportunity to rule them.

“I really could go on talking for a few more hours, but it’s past Biden’s bed time and he gets cranky when he doesn’t get his sleep.”

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