A Special Message from Keith Olbermann

My Kingdom to beat Bill O’Reilly in the ratings!Having been fired, having left his job as the host of Countdown on MSNBC, noted journalist Keith Olbermann has asked me if he could use my blog to send a special message detailing his plans for the future.  Naturally I said yes, as long as he didn’t use my bathroom.  Take it away Keith:

Thank you Manhattan Infidel, you mashed up bag of meat.  As all of you must know, I recently left my job at MSNBC.  Why? Does the fault lie with ourselves or the stars?  Neither.  Obviously the blame lies with Bill O’Reilly, Sarah Palin and the other scum working at the monstrosity known as “Fix” News.  But I will not be silenced!

I have dedicated  my entire life to truth, justice, the American way and ad hominen attacks on my personal enemies.

That is why I am proud to announce the opening of the “Keith Olbermann Correspondence School of Journalism.”

For only three easy payments of $15,000 each, you can learn from me, the master.  You will learn all my secrets to success.  For instance, are you slightly unpopular at work?  Anyone can do that.  I will show you how to be wildly unpopular at work.  Learn how to “napalm” all your bridges.  Scream at your bosses.  Scream at female interns and call them “honey.” Forbid your staff to enter your office.  If the scum you work with want to talk to you they must leave a post it note on your door.

Do you have trouble maintaining a relationship with women?  My course will show you how to destroy them on-air!  With your payments you will receive the Keith Olbermann Misogynistic Thesaurus.  Learn to call women who turn you down, “sluts, baby-makers, stupid whores” and of course my favorite, “Get out your knee pads honey.  That mouth of yours is good for only one thing.”

Are you obsessed with Bill O’Reilly?  Did your low-rated cable show that you were recently fired from, that you recently walked away from regularly get trounced in the ratings by him?  By subscribing to my course you will receive a poster of O’Reilly with a bullseye on it.  Fling your poo at him!  It is the adult thing to do.

So act now and subscribe to my course.  You won’t be disappointed.  But please make the checks out to my mom.  She handles all my finances.  Thank you.  And good night.

Okay Keith.  I fulfilled my end of the bargain. Now will you please get out of my bathroom?  What are you doing in there?  What?  Phoebe Cates?  That’s disgusting!  Now I’m going to have to get the room steam cleaned.


5 Responses

  1. Sadly, this is a non-fiction depictation of Queef Overbite’s present day circumstances.

  2. innominatus says:

    One time when Keef was still on SportsCenter, he said something that made me laugh out loud.

    All these years later, I am still ashamed of myself.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Shamus: I for one have no intention of taking his course.

    Inn: yeah, that’s the sad thing about Olberbite. When he was on sportcenter he was actually funny sometimes.

    Little did we know the monster he would become. Oh oh. Monster? I’ve been advised to tone down my rhetoric.

  4. MK says:

    If that sh!tbag was in your bathroom, steam clean ain’t gonna cut it, napalm it and start from scratch.

  5. Manhattan Infidel says:

    MK: You have a very valid point. I think I’m going to torch the place.

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