Recently I had a chance to land an interview with George Taylor, better known as the only survivor of  four astronauts who landed in Earth’s future, where humans were enslaved and inferior and the planet was ruled by Apes.  The interview took place over dinner.

MI:  Thanks for meeting with me.

Taylor:  Manhattan Infidel, would an ape make a human doll that talks?

MI:  I don’t know.  I don’t see why not?

Taylor:  Would an ape make cherry pie?

MI:  Huh?

Taylor:  What about cheese fondue?  Would an ape make cheese fondue?

MI:  Okay, let me start the interview here.  You were the sole survivor of the four. Stewart died before you landed, Dodge was killed in the hunt and Landon –

Taylor:  [Yelling]  THEY CUT HIS BRAIN OUT!!!

MI:  Okay, I’m going to have to ask you to keep your voice down. You’re disturbing the other diners.

At this point the waiter brought over our dinner:  Chilean sea bass for me and nice juicy porterhouse steak for astronaut Taylor.

MI:  This looks good.  I can’t wait to dig in.

Taylor:   Will you look at this?  I distinctly asked for my steak medium rare.  This is well done! I can’t eat this!  [Yelling]  YOU MANIACS!  YOU BLEW IT UP!  GOD DAMN YOU!  GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

MI:  Well just return it then. No need to be such a drama queen.

A busboy approached our table to take Taylor’s steak back.

Taylor:  [To busboy] TAKE YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY APE!

MI:  He’s the busboy!!  You’re attracting attention to yourself.  Please, let’s just enjoy the meal and continue the interview.

The manager of the restaurant approached our table and asked Taylor to keep his voice down or he would be asked to leave.

Taylor:  IT’S A MADHOUSE!   A MADHOUSE!!

MI:  Please.  I have some more questions.  What was your relationship like with Cornelius and Zira?

Taylor:  Cornelius didn’t like me.

MI:  Why?

Taylor:  I slept with Zira.

MI: You slept with an ape?

Taylor:  I’m a guy and Nova wasn’t putting out for me.  Ape women aren’t as bad as you’d think, once you get over the mustache. It’s like making out with an Italian woman.

MI:  One last question.  How did you not know you were back on Earth?  All the apes spoke English.  And that map that Cornelius showed you?  Clearly it was New York.

Taylor:  Imagine me needing someone.  Back on Earth I never did.  Oh there were woman.  Lots of women.  Lot’s of love making but no love.

MI:  Okay.  I think I’ve asked all the questions I need.

The waiter brought our check (which I had to pay for) and we left the restaurant and shared a smoke on 5th avenue.  Taylor was quiet as he watched the traffic go back and forth.

Taylor:  Oh my God.  I’m home.  All the time!

Here Taylor collapsed to the ground and pounded his fist on the pavement.

Taylor:  WE FINALLY DID IT.  DAMN YOU!  GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!

MI: Yeah, yeah, I know.  We blew it up.  What else is new.  Here’s ten dollars.  Take a cab back to your hotel.

That has got to be the strangest and most unpleasant interview I ever did.  I left Taylor on the sidewalk, still pounding his fist into the pavement.  I think he was arrested.  But I can’t be sure.  I never saw him again.

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