In his heroic last moments of life, Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi remained true to his socialist principles, telling his captors that he was ready to die.

“My death is not a death but a redistribution of life. As a socialist it’s only fair that we redistribute everything.”

As he was being beaten to death Gaddafi told onlookers that he only hoped that Occupy Wall Street was watching.

“We both believe in redistribution.  And…..ouch.  You shot me a–hole!  That stings!”

After the death of the brave socialist his body was redistributed in parts along various garbage dumps near Tripoli.

Jubilant crowds celebrated by dancing in the street and discharging their weapons in the air.  Said one rebel:

First Saddam.  Then Bin Laden.  Now Gaddafi.  We have killed three of our most brutal dictators.  Next we kill Larry King. But if he’s dead we’ll kill Anderson Cooper!  But if Anderson is dead we’ll kill Dick Sargent.  What? The great Satan Dick is dead?  Well we have to kill somebody.  Keith Richards?  You can’t fool me.  He’s been dead for years. What?  The Great Satan Keith Richards is still alive?  Comrades we must kill Keith Richards!

News of Gaddafi’s death stunned the revolutionaries of Occupy Wall Street.

All officially sanctioned Occupy Wall Street activities (drumming, defecating, transmitting bodily fluids, whining) were suspended for ten minutes out of respect.

In Hell, where he was having tea with recent arrival Osama Bin Laden, Satan groused.

Great.  I’m running out of space. Where the hell am I going to put him?  I suppose I could put him with the sodomites or  perhaps with the two actors who played Lionel Jefferson.  I’ll figure it out once I finish my tea.  Oh, Rosie’s new talk show is on.  Great girl.  Can’t wait to meet her in person. 

At Occupy Oakland rapes were suspended out of respect.

The leader of Occupy Oakland, who goes by the traditional Native American name of “Kill the Rich Bastards”  told the press that while he didn’t agree with everything Gaddafi did, “at the very least he wasn’t a Jew banker.  So he was worthy of respect.”

From Hell where he was being torn apart by demons for all eternity, Gaddafi told a reporter for MSNBC that:

I don’t mind being in Hell.  Many great Muslims are here.  But why did they have to put me next to those two idiot actors who played Lionel Jefferson? A man of my importance should be with the sodomites.  Or Karl Marx.  No wait.  Sorry.  I meant Zeppo Marx.  No wait. Sorry.  I meant William Howard Taft the fat bastard. No wait. Sorry.  I meant the guy who thought it was a good idea to explain Bobby Ewing’s return to Dallas by having the previous season be a dream.  Weak baby. Weak.

Back at Occupy Wall Street, revolutionary organizers declared that out of respect for all Gaddafi had accomplished  Zuccotti park will be renamed “Death to the Jewish Dogs Park.”

A spokesman for Mayor Bloomberg said that as long as protesters refrained from smoking and watched their sugar intake, they could rename the park whatever they wanted.

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As Occupy Wall Street, the movement that has transformed the world, moves into its second month there has been one constant.  Well, two if you count feces in the street.  Well, three if you count redistribution of MacBooks.  Well four if you count giant puppets.  But there has really been only one constant besides the feces, redistribution of MacBooks and giant puppets.  That is the drumming.

The Occupy Wall Street Drum Circle, as it is called, starts its drum beat at 7 in the morning and continues until 10 PM or later on most days.

“You can’t have a revolution without a drumbeat.  Hey, who redistributed my MacBook” said one protester.

The drum circle has been a source of harmony and good vibes for all protesters. That is, until he showed up.

One day we were all drumming as usual and this old English dude shows up.  He said he was here to support us and could he join our drumming circle?  I said yeah, why not.  What a mistake.  He couldn’t keep a steady beat.  He was always rushing the beat or slowing down. I mean the guy really sucked.  Finally we had to kick him out.  That’s when he said, “But I used to be in the Beatles!”  Yeah, right.  He doesn’t look anything like Paul or Ringo.  That’s when I redistributed his MacBook.

After being banned from the drum circle Mr. Best continued to hang around Zuccoti Park, annoying the revolutionaries and asking anyone if they had seen his laptop.

Eventually the police were called in.  Several officers surrounded Best and told him to leave the protesters alone.

It was at this point that eyewitness accounts diverge.  Some say that Best was friendly and extended his hand to the police while saying, “Hi.  I’m Pete Best and I used to be in the Beatles.”

Others say that Best pulled out a drumstick from his coat.  The officers, mistaking it for a weapon sprung into action.

“He’s armed” shouted the police as they pulled out their nightsticks and started beating him.

As Best was being beaten the occupants of the drum circle joined in.

“The cops got the beat” said one.

Finally the police stopped and a barely conscious Best was dragged to a waiting police van.

“Get in the paddy wagon, boyo.  Get in the paddy wagon!”

As the doors to the police van closed a reporter asked the arresting officer who that was.

“I don’t know.  He said he used to be in the Beatles, but he doesn’t look anything like Paul or Ringo.  You know what he does look like?  The bastard who redistributed my MacBook!”

Mr. Best is charged with disturbing the peace, trespassing and redistribution.  He is being held without bail.

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Calling it a “historic opportunity” to reach out to the disenfranchised,  New York University President John Sexton announced that new classes will be offered specifically for the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Brandishing a pamphlet containing descriptions of the new classes Sexton claimed that this “will put NYU on the forefront of higher education for a generation.  I’m proud to offer these classes.  I believe they speak to the protesters.”

Among the classes being offered:

• Revolutionary War Sexuality 

This class will show that Washington and his top generals regularly engaged in homosexual activity with each other.  “Washington in fact hoped that the revolution would usher in a gay republic. His hopes were dashed by right-wingers, bitterly clinging to their conventional sexuality.”

• Phallic Worship in Civil War Weaponry 

This course will show that many Civil War generals, on both sides, worshiped the cult of the phallus. “This explains all the cannons.  These generals, all men of course, worshiped war. They also worshiped their penises.  Perhaps if there were more women in the army the Civil War would not have broken out.”

• The Sexuality of Aerial Bombardment

This course will ask the question, “Why are bombs shaped like penises?”  The answer?  Men build these bombs.  Phallus-worshiping men who bomb peoples of color when they don’t get what they want.  This course will also explore the correlation between “carpet bombing’ and the use of the slang word “carpet” to refer to a woman’s vagina.   The course will teach that aerial bombardment is just another form of vagina hatred.

• Minority Women who Wear Eye Patches and Have One Leg Studies 

This ground-breaking course will view American history through the disenfranchised eyes of minority women who wear eye patches and have one leg.  See how they suffered at the hands of the Altar of the Phallus!

• Down with Evil Corporations! 

This provocative new course will show the historic role of evil corporations in destroying the Earth’s fragile infrastructure.  Examples will be shown of their anti-green agenda and how many CEOs enjoy watching polar bears drown.

Note:  The Down with Evil Corporations class is brought to you courtesy of a generous grant from the Microsoft Corporation.

• Introduction to Finance 

An introduction to the study of corporate finance.  Basic concepts are introduced with emphasis on working knowledge of organizational and financial structures, methods of financing, financial management and planning. Investments and strategies, risk and growth and money and banking are topics of study.

Note:  Due to low enrollment the Introduction to Finance course has been canceled.

University President Sexton wants the Occupy Wall Street protesters to know that they need not worry about money.

“We will be offering low-interest loans to all those who want to take these courses.”

Classes start October 31st.

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The famous Easy-Bake Oven, beloved to generations of children but mom I don’t want to bake I want to go outside and play has become the latest victim of government bureaucracy run wild.  While the Easy-Bake Oven is still legal (for now) the EPA has announced that new regulations will govern the sale and use of the oven.

Using my renowned journalistic skills Demerol and my contacts in Washington I have come into possession of the new rules regulating the Easy-Bake Oven:

• Due to the immanent demise of the old incandescent light bulb (which served as a heating source) all Easy-Bake ovens sold after January 1st, 2012 will use a recording of Al Gore’s speeches on the environment to heat the oven.  “It is hoped that the oven will be fired by zeal to protect our environment” said a source inside the EPA.
• Because America suffers from an obesity epidemic, cakes and other fatty desserts will be banned from the Easy-Bake oven.  If a child attempts to bake a cake in the oven a warning siren will sound for one minute.  After the siren the pre-recorded voice of Chaz Bono will tell them that they are “fat and disgusting.”  Mr. Bono will also encourage the girls to amputate their breasts.
• Because the Easy-Bake oven sends the wrong message to young girls about their role in society, a timer will be placed in the oven that will record how much time a girl uses the Easy-Bake.  Those who go over the approved time limit will receive a visit from an EPA gender rights counselor.  The counselor will inform girls that they no longer have to “tied to a stove” nor will they have to “satisfy the man’s insatiable sexual appetite.”  Instead the girls will be encouraged to get a degree in accounting, wear pant suits and kiss their girlfriends.

Not content with enfranchising young girls oppressed by stereotypical gender roles, the EPA has announced that they, in conjunction with Hasbro, will market the new “Easy-Bake Gay!”

The Easy Bake Gay will come with a sensor that can monitor the feelings of the person using it.  Using an emotion chip developed by Microsoft the oven will be able to detect minute changes in personality and offer solutions such as “My sensor detects you are depressed.  Let’s go antiquing.”

“All these changes may sound extreme, but it’s in the best interest of the plebeians” said Lisa Jackson, administrator of the EPA.

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