Calling it a “historic opportunity” to reach out to the disenfranchised,  New York University President John Sexton announced that new classes will be offered specifically for the Occupy Wall Street protesters.

Brandishing a pamphlet containing descriptions of the new classes Sexton claimed that this “will put NYU on the forefront of higher education for a generation.  I’m proud to offer these classes.  I believe they speak to the protesters.”

Among the classes being offered:

• Revolutionary War Sexuality 

This class will show that Washington and his top generals regularly engaged in homosexual activity with each other.  “Washington in fact hoped that the revolution would usher in a gay republic. His hopes were dashed by right-wingers, bitterly clinging to their conventional sexuality.”

• Phallic Worship in Civil War Weaponry 

This course will show that many Civil War generals, on both sides, worshiped the cult of the phallus. “This explains all the cannons.  These generals, all men of course, worshiped war. They also worshiped their penises.  Perhaps if there were more women in the army the Civil War would not have broken out.”

• The Sexuality of Aerial Bombardment

This course will ask the question, “Why are bombs shaped like penises?”  The answer?  Men build these bombs.  Phallus-worshiping men who bomb peoples of color when they don’t get what they want.  This course will also explore the correlation between “carpet bombing’ and the use of the slang word “carpet” to refer to a woman’s vagina.   The course will teach that aerial bombardment is just another form of vagina hatred.

• Minority Women who Wear Eye Patches and Have One Leg Studies 

This ground-breaking course will view American history through the disenfranchised eyes of minority women who wear eye patches and have one leg.  See how they suffered at the hands of the Altar of the Phallus!

• Down with Evil Corporations! 

This provocative new course will show the historic role of evil corporations in destroying the Earth’s fragile infrastructure.  Examples will be shown of their anti-green agenda and how many CEOs enjoy watching polar bears drown.

Note:  The Down with Evil Corporations class is brought to you courtesy of a generous grant from the Microsoft Corporation.

• Introduction to Finance 

An introduction to the study of corporate finance.  Basic concepts are introduced with emphasis on working knowledge of organizational and financial structures, methods of financing, financial management and planning. Investments and strategies, risk and growth and money and banking are topics of study.

Note:  Due to low enrollment the Introduction to Finance course has been canceled.

University President Sexton wants the Occupy Wall Street protesters to know that they need not worry about money.

“We will be offering low-interest loans to all those who want to take these courses.”

Classes start October 31st.

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