Paul McCartney, 69 married long-time lover and MTA Board member Nancy Shevell, 51, in a civil ceremony in London on Sunday.

The bride, Shevell, is the second-cousin of American media mogul Barbara Walters who introduced the couple and acted as a matchmaker.  Said Walters:

I’ve known Sir Paul for years. After his disastrous marriage to Heather Mills he seemed lonely.  I asked him what he wanted in a woman and he said, “I want a soul mate.  Someone I can talk to at night.  Someone who will always be at my side.  And someone who won’t blow away when it gets windy.”  I told Sir Paul that I had the perfect woman for him. 

Indeed Sir Paul seemed smitten at their first meeting.

“She was a lovely woman” said Paul.  “And I asked her if she could do some hopping around for me.  She said ‘Why?  I have two legs.’  I knew then she was the woman for me.”

Sir Paul seemed happy and content as he and his new bride emerged from the registry office in London where they were officially married.

Asked what he will do next McCartney replied, “I just want to get on with my life.”

Reporters then asked McCartney what he planned to do with Mill’s prosthetic devices.

“I don’t know.  They’re still useful.  It’s where I store my pot.  And sometimes Ringo comes around and plays drums on them.”

Friends state that Sir Paul finally seems “on balance.”

Sir Paul himself has told people that one of the biggest reasons his marriage to Mills failed, besides the fact that she kept blowing away in the wind, was that the sex was “off balance.”

Sometimes during an act of passion her fake leg would whack me in the head.  I don’t know what it’s made of – plastic or titanium or something – but I’d have really bad headaches for days afterwords   I tried passion without her wearing the leg but we’d have to attach barbells to use as a counterweight.  I almost crushed the cat once with one of those.

Perhaps to show those in attendance how happy he was with his new wife, Sir Paul took a baseball bat and hit her on her leg.  As Shevell collapsed to the ground in pain Sir Paul proudly said, “See, it’s a real leg!”

Sir Paul also announced that he has written a song for the occasion:

My wife she got two legs

Your wife she got none.

My wife she got two legs

Your wife she got none.

My wife she got two legs

But she can’t run

McCartney’s ex-wife Heather Mills has had  no public comment on the marriage.

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