Since Tourette Syndrome was first diagnosed in 1885 by the French doctor George Giles de la Tourette those unfortunate to have the disease have had to deal with the social stigma attached.

Typical was the the case of “John B.” of Kingston, New York.  Diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of 15 he found that many of his friends no longer wanted him around.

People were afraid of it I guess.  Some were afraid it was contagious.  Some were afraid that I’d say something inappropriate.  Things came to a head on Thanksgiving when one Hispanic friend invited me over.  Everything was going fine until I said, “This is a great meal…..you f#%#ing SPIC!!”  They never invited me over again.

John’s problem represents one of the more embarrassing aspects of Tourette Syndrome: The unfortunate tendency to say inappropriate things.

Things got worse for John when he graduated school and started looking for work. Despite good grades the job interviews themselves always descended into inappropriate name calling.

There was this one job I almost had.  It was for a construction company run by Italians.  They offered it to me and I was shaking the boss’s hand and said, “Thanks.  When do I start you f#$@ing Wop?”  They didn’t hire me.

Convinced he was a freak John became depressed and stayed in his mother’s house for weeks at a time.  But his relatives did not give up on him and sent John to a specialist in Tourette Syndrome.  What she found gave him a new lease on life.

I did a thorough workup of the patient and I found no neurological evidence of Tourette Syndrome.  I believe he was misdiagnosed.  The patient is just an asshole.

She confirmed her findings during her exit evaluation with John.

Doctor:  You don’t have Tourette Syndrome.

John B:  That’s great news.  Bitch!

Doctor:  Yes.  You see, you’re just an asshole.

John B:  Thanks again.  F#$#ing bitch!

Doctor:  Yes.  You’re a real big asshole.

John B:  Thank you f#$#$ing……um what are you?

Doctor:  I’m Irish.

John B:  F#$#ing Paddy bitch!

Freed from the anxiety of having Tourette Syndrome John now has a new lease on life.

I’m not alone any longer.  There are plenty of assholes out there just like me.  I no longer need to hide.  Mothef##$ing c#$#!

John was able to move out of his mother’s house and now even has a full time job at the DMV.  Discussing his experience John said:

I think it’s important that people not be afraid of those who are screaming out racial slurs.  It probably isn’t Tourette after all.  Maybe, like me, they are just assholes.

John has started a support group entitled, “Misdiagnosed Assholes” which meets every Monday night.  Italians, Hispanics and the Irish are asked not to attend.

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I’ve tried them all:  eHarmony.  Match. The bar scene.  The bar scene at 4 am closing time.   “This is when the women show up right?”  The bar scene at 4:30 am.  “Where are the women?  What do you mean you’re throwing me out?”  The back alley scene at 5 am.  “So it’s 20 dollars, right?”  The police precinct scene at 5:30 am. “How was I to know she was a cop.  She’s good looking though.  Is she single?”

But like many of my fellow bloggers I have yet to find true love.

Then one day while casually skimming through an encyclopedia staying at least 50 feet away from Olivia Wilde per the restraining order I noticed an article on the so-called “International Date Line.”

“That’s it” I said to myself.  I’ll go to the International Date Line and finally satisfy the longing of Manhattan Infidel’s heart.  If I sent Olivia Wilde a text of my penis but I sent it from more than 50 feet away have I technically violated the restraining order?  I think not.

Let me just warn my fellow bloggers.  I went to the International Date Line and I was very disappointed.  Not only did I not get a date but most of the Date Line is in middle of the Pacific Ocean.

At first this didn’t bother me.  Hey, we all know cruise ships are called cruise ships for a reason.  So I set out to book a suite on one of those floating singles bars.

Unfortunately there were no openings on existing cruise ships.  I was banned following the incident involving a ship’s purser, a tub of jello and a commonly-used “date rape” drug.

Not discouraged by this I bought an inflatable life boat and set out on the high seas for a rendezvous with love.

Despite high seas and bitterly cold temperatures I was warmed by the thought of love  Okay I was cold but my heart was warmed by the thought of love.  Okay it was so ass-bitingly cold that my penis froze to my thigh, I developed frost bite on my hands and I had no internet connection on my dinghy so how was I to update my blog? Download porn?

After running out of fuel on my outboard motor I drifted for a few days still searching for a date.  Eventually my lifeboat was rammed by a school of whales.  On the verge of drowning I was able to climb on board one of the whales and use him as a temporary life raft.  (Yes, I know all about the “blowhole” but let’s not talk about it.  I’m still trying to repress that memory.)

The whale and I traveled south, eventually ending up in the Asmat region of the Southwestern Netherlands New Guinea.  After paying for my ride with one last trip to the blowhole I arrived on solid ground at last.

The natives were happy to see me and danced around me chanting something about “dinnertime.”  After speaking to the tribal chief I was informed that I was the first white person they had seen since Michael Rockefeller.

“We like white people” he said.  “When properly roasted they taste like a banana.”

While respecting the rich cultural traditions of indigenous people I had no desire to be a buffet.  I asked the chief if there were some way out of my predicament.  He said no and it seemed like I would soon be eaten.

Having lost all hope I resigned myself to my fate when one of the natives noticed that I was carrying a picture of Olivia Wilde. They immediately stopped their preparations to eat me and inquired if I in fact knew Miss Wilde.

“We love her” said the chief.  “We watch House all the time.”

“Yes.  Yes I do know her” I said. “Would you like to meet her?”

At those words they stopped their preparations to eat me.  And that was how Olivia Wilde saved my life.  Being an honorable man who keeps my promises a craven coward who will say anything to avoid being eaten I now find myself back in New York City, allegedly to bring her back to the tribe.

And Olivia, if you are reading this thank you for saving my life.  I have more photos of my junk I want to send you.

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In Afghanistan a 22-year old girl is tortured and murdered by her husband and mother-in-law for giving birth to yet another useless girl.  In Canada a 58-year old man, his wife and son are convicted of murdering their three teenage daughters in an “honor” killing because they had disgraced the family by dating, socializing, going on line and dressing as westerners.

These two cases have many Muslims wondering if perhaps they are too strict.

In accordance with these concerns new guidelines have been drawn up in Mecca that seek to alleviate some of Islam’s stricter provisions.  The statement reads in part:

While it is true that girls are worthless killing a mother for delivering a girl instead of an honorable boy seems to be an overreaction.  The first time anyway.  If you pray to the prophet he will give you a useful man the next time.  However, if a useless woman is born the second time it is acceptable to whip her until she’s unconscious.  The beating and scars on her back will force her to give you a male child.  If she continues to give you girls you can kill her after the third child.  Console yourself with the knowledge that she will no longer give you girls.  Also, console yourself with a teenage boy.

In Ontario, Canada the murder of three daughters for “western behavior”  also has local Muslims questioning their strict discipline.  Said one Imam:

Yes there girls were slutty western trash.  They dressed in provocative western clothing and talked online with boys.  But that is no reason to kill them all.  Perhaps only kill one as an example.  And if the others do not pay heed have them clitorally circumcised.  After all, we are not savages. We just don’t want our women to grow up to be wild western women.  It’s just that it’s bad enough women are useless but to have them dishonor their family by adopting western styles is just too much.  So in short, kill one, circumcise the others.

These statements are seen as a positive first step by many. National Organization of  Women President Terry O’Neill welcomed the change.

I support female circumcision as part of the rich cultural tradition of Islam, and in the cultural context of their religion women are worthless.  So honor killings will be inevitable.  But they should be safe, legal and rare.  I mean, when a Muslim man kills his daughter it could be worse.  It’s not like he’s a Republican capitalist who isn’t paying his fair share of taxes.

The new guidelines appear to be bearing fruit.  Forty three percent of Muslim men now say that if their wife gives them a useless girl they will cripple it but probably won’t kill it.  Not the first child anyway.

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Bowing to overwhelming public demand Mayor Bloomberg (pictured here) has declared February to be Manhattan Infidel history month.

February has traditionally been black history month.  Well now I am proud to announce that in addition to this February will now be known as Manhattan Infidel month.  Both deserve to have a month named in their honor. Blacks have made numerous important contributions to American culture.  Manhattan Infidel has pictures of me smoking, wearing a cheerleading outfit and singing Rogers and Hammerstein show tunes. So let’s just get the damn month over with alright? Yeah, I like to sing show tunes while dressed as a cheerleader.  It relaxes me.  Deal with it.  You know what?  I don’t need this shit I’m a billionaire.

The schedule of events for Manhattan Infidel month is as follows:

• On Monday February 13th Manhattan Infidel will give a five-hour speech from the steps of city hall while wearing only underwear.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend.  Those who do not will have to wear Manhattan Infidel’s underwear.  Those who refuse to wear Manhattan Infidel’s underwear will be forced to wear his underwear on their head.  Those who refuse to wear his underwear on their head will be given New York Knicks tickets.  Those who refuse New York Knicks tickets will be given New York Mets tickets.  Those who refuse New York Mets tickets will have Ron Jeremy visit their mother.
• On Wednesday February 15th Manhattan Infidel will hold an exclusive invitation-only “bobbing for razor blades” social at the 25th street armory.  Those who are invited to attend but refuse to do so will have Ron Jeremy visit their mother and deliver New York Mets tickets.
• On Thursday February 16th Broadway will be renamed “Pussy Galore” Avenue. Why?  Because that’s what Manhattan Infidel wants.  And it’s not wise to go against the will of Manhattan Infidel.  Not while he’s off his meds anyway.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend the renaming ceremony.  Those who refuse to do so will have Ron Jeremy pour lotion on their mother’s back while asking her “if she’s into it?“
• On Saturday February 18th Manhattan Infidel will be making a personal appearance at Fitzgerald’s Pub between the hours of opening and closing.  Manhattan Infidel will be signing autographs, posing for pictures and handing out his underwear.  All New Yorkers and all those who read his blog will be required to attend.  Those who refuse will have Ron Jeremy “audition” their mother for a film role.
• And finally on Friday February 24th Manhattan Infidel month will close with a special ceremony where Manhattan Infidel will be captured and re-institutionalized.  All New Yorkers will be required to attend.  Those who refuse will have their mother bear Ron Jeremy’s love child.

And there you have it readers.  Manhattan Infidel month promises to be the start of a great tradition.  Void where prohibited by law.

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