It’s halftime.  Both teams are in their locker room saying nasty things about Gisele Bundchen.

It’s halftime in America too.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.  People are out of work and they are hurting.  Though I wouldn’t know anything about that.  I haven’t been out of work since 1954.  And I’m rich.  Very rich.  Jay-Z rich.  Not that I’ve ever shut down an entire maternity ward.  Though I did bang a nurse on a hospital bed once.  Good memories.  Her name was Julie and she had a tattoo of Harry Truman on her thigh.  I think she was Greek.  I gave her $400 dollars for an abortion.  She tried to contact me after that but I had her beaten up.

Anyway.  What the hell was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  People are hurting.  And they’re all wondering what they’re going to do to make a comeback.  And we’re all scared.  Scared that Jim Belushi will get another TV show.  Yeah, that scared.

The people of Detroit know a little something about this.  They’ve lost everything.  So I’ve heard.  Do you think I’m actually going to go to Detroit to find out?  The place is a shithole.

I’ve seen a lot of tough eras. A lot of downturns in my life.  Remember, I used to live with Sondra Locke. It was my skinny pasty-faced white girl phase.  Call it a mid-life crisis.  I finally got rid of her by giving her $400 for an abortion.  She tried to contact me after that but I had her beaten up.

It seems we’ve lost our heart at times.  We’ve grown lazy.  The fog of division, discord and blame make it hard to see what lies ahead.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.

But after those trials we all rallied around what was right and acted as one.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.  Hell, maybe that’s what I do mean.  I don’t know.  I just read the cue cards that the nice men from Chrysler gave me.

Detroit’s showing us it can be done.  And what’s true for Detroit is true for all of us:  We need another stimulus. The last one wasn’t big enough.

This country can’t be knocked out with one punch.  We get right back up again.  Once the stimulus takes effect.

Yeah, it’s halftime America.  And our second half is about to begin.  And by that I don’t mean let’s reelect President Obama.

Yeah, it’s halftime in America.  But it’s overtime for me.  I mean, look at my face.  I’m 107 years old.  I keep myself alive by hunting teenagers with a crossbow and eating their pineal gland.  It’s shaped like a pine cone.  It’s part of the epithalamus.

Yeah, it’s overtime for me.  Did I tell you that I once slept with Lou Henry Hoover? Herbert Hoover’s wife?  She was wild.  She had a tattoo of Benjamin Harrison on her thigh.  I had to give her $400 for an abortion.  She tried to contact me after that but I had her beaten up.

Yeah, it’s halftime in America.  Now if you’ll excuse me I just saw a teenager.  And my crossbow is calling to me.

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