The hobbit Gollum, also known as Smeagol, has announced the opening of his new law firm.
Long presumed dead after disappearing on Mt. Doom Gollum later turned up taking night courses at the UNLV law school.
“Smeagol likeses the night timeses he does. Smeagol was looking for something to do whilst he searches for his precious. Stupid fat hobbitses take Smeagol’s precious!”
After graduating at the bottom of his class, “Professors hateses Smeagol!” Gollum took a job at the Clark County District Attorney’s office, specializing in cases involving drug trafficking, “Smeagols takeses those addicted to precious off the streetses!” possession of controlled substances, violent felonies and crimes involving theft. “Smeagols hateses thieves, especially stupid fats hobbitses!”
Gollum later resigned his position as a prosecutor to open his law firm.
A commercial for his firm has begun airing on local TV stations. In it Gollum stands in front of a bookshelf and asks:
Have you been a victim of a crime? Have you had something precious stolen from you? Perhaps you’ve been tortured by Sauron in Mordor? If so let Smeagol help you! Smeagol will win your case and get a substantial cash settlement. A settlement that will let you buy a new precious!
Already the testimonials are pouring in.
“Gollum won my case for me. And he was cheap” declared one happy customer. “All he asked for as a fee was some raw fish. And a precious. Whatever that is.”
“I was arrested for possession” said another. “Since this was my third offense I was looking at a potential life sentence. But Gollum won my case. Sure things were touch and go for awhile, especially after he was cited for contempt when he threw a raw fish at the judge but now I’m happy.”
In another commercial that should begin airing in March Gollum stands in front of the building his office is in and declares, “Let Smeagols helpses you. Smeagols hateses social injusticeses we does. We hates it. We hates it. We hates it forever!”
Those wishing to hire Gollum are advised to call his 24-hour number and make an appointment. They are also advised to bring raw fish to the initial free consultation.
If they have no raw fish it is advised to bring your precious.
(4127)
Can Sauron really pay up at this point? I mean, he’s been consigned to the fires of Mount Doom. I dunno if homeboy has access to his bank card just now.
I’m just worried about the viability of Smeagol’s case. Important questions have to be answered.
My wife keeps the precious in a lockbox. Better go find me a fish…
I knew that scumbag was dead, get the glocks and the hollow points, time for Smeagols to dances. LOL
My sons ages ten and eleven loved this post, and they think Hobbitses are awesome!
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Me and my ex are fighting over the custody of our child, can Gollum take this sort of case? I can pay in birdses, crunchable birdses.
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