Asshole Misdiagnosed with Tourette Syndrome

It is ze syndrome!Since Tourette Syndrome was first diagnosed in 1885 by the French doctor George Giles de la Tourette those unfortunate to have the disease have had to deal with the social stigma attached.

Typical was the the case of “John B.” of Kingston, New York.  Diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome at the age of 15 he found that many of his friends no longer wanted him around.

People were afraid of it I guess.  Some were afraid it was contagious.  Some were afraid that I’d say something inappropriate.  Things came to a head on Thanksgiving when one Hispanic friend invited me over.  Everything was going fine until I said, “This is a great meal… f#%#ing SPIC!!”  They never invited me over again.

John’s problem represents one of the more embarrassing aspects of Tourette Syndrome: The unfortunate tendency to say inappropriate things.

Things got worse for John when he graduated school and started looking for work. Despite good grades the job interviews themselves always descended into inappropriate name calling.

There was this one job I almost had.  It was for a construction company run by Italians.  They offered it to me and I was shaking the boss’s hand and said, “Thanks.  When do I start you f#$@ing Wop?”  They didn’t hire me.

Convinced he was a freak John became depressed and stayed in his mother’s house for weeks at a time.  But his relatives did not give up on him and sent John to a specialist in Tourette Syndrome.  What she found gave him a new lease on life.

I did a thorough workup of the patient and I found no neurological evidence of Tourette Syndrome.  I believe he was misdiagnosed.  The patient is just an asshole.

She confirmed her findings during her exit evaluation with John.

Doctor:  You don’t have Tourette Syndrome.

John B:  That’s great news.  Bitch!

Doctor:  Yes.  You see, you’re just an asshole.

John B:  Thanks again.  F#$#ing bitch!

Doctor:  Yes.  You’re a real big asshole.

John B:  Thank you f#$#$ing……um what are you?

Doctor:  I’m Irish.

John B:  F#$#ing Paddy bitch!

Freed from the anxiety of having Tourette Syndrome John now has a new lease on life.

I’m not alone any longer.  There are plenty of assholes out there just like me.  I no longer need to hide.  Mothef##$ing c#$#!

John was able to move out of his mother’s house and now even has a full time job at the DMV.  Discussing his experience John said:

I think it’s important that people not be afraid of those who are screaming out racial slurs.  It probably isn’t Tourette after all.  Maybe, like me, they are just assholes.

John has started a support group entitled, “Misdiagnosed Assholes” which meets every Monday night.  Italians, Hispanics and the Irish are asked not to attend.


8 Responses

  1. I’ve known a lot of assholes in my life. I believe that every corporate board of directors needs at least one asshole like John

  2. Finally, there’s fucking help for me.

    Thank you, Manhattan Infidel. Fucking Paddy bitch!

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Jim: You’re preaching to the choir.

    Shamus: Now…you’re sure about that diagnosis? 🙂

  4. Matt says:

    Hell, you’d think he’s be working for a labor union, OWS, or maybe even MSNBC?

  5. Nancy Alyssa says:

    The conversation between doctor and John was funny haha. Thank you for this article

  6. LOL

    Plenty of assholes out there with plenty of excuses when they get caught in a bind.

  7. Bob Agard says:

    I have linked this post as well as your two posts on Obama’s theology and your expose on Clint Eastwood’s secret to still being alive here:

    Thank you for an excellent month of satire!

  8. bob says:

    My had accused me of being an asshole most of his life, and then he went to college. In a breathless telephone call, he once said, “Dad! You’re are not an asshole, afterall. In my pshchology class we all agreed you probably had spontaneous Tourette’s Syndrome.”

    What a little asshole he turned out to be.

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