Wading into the racially-charged murder of  Trayvon Martin, director Spike Lee used his twitter account to tweet what he believed was the address where George Zimmerman lived.

Attention!  I know where the racist George Zimmerman lives!  He lives at 1313 Mockingbird Lane!  That’s 1313 Mockingbird Lane!

The problem?  George Zimmerman does not live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.  The occupants of that address are the Munster family, led by patriarch Herman Munster and his wife Lilly (pictured here). Mr. Munster is employed by a local undertaker and denies any involvement in the shooting.  Said Munster:

I came home from work one day and there was an angry crowd in front of my house.  They asked me if I lived here and I said yes.  That’s when they started throwing things at me and calling me a racist killer.  I was so scared I ran straight into my house and locked the door.  I’m no killer.  I’m just an embalmer.

Things only got worse from there.  Undeterred by Herman Munster’s denials the crowd grabbed his father-in-law, “Grandpa” Munster and proceeded to beat him.  Grandpa Munster turned himself into a bat and tried to fly away.  The crowd then pulled his wings off.  Reverting to human form he cried “Jesus I have no arms” and ran into the house, bleeding from his wounds.

As his wife Lilly attended to her stricken father, Mr. Munster called the police and begged for protection.  When the police arrived the angry mob was in the process of trying to set the house on fire.  Gathering the family police placed them in a squad car and drove away.  The Munsters are currently in protective custody at an unknown location.  Said Mr. Munster through his lawyer:

This is ridiculous.  I have done nothing wrong.  Now my family is in danger. This is really scary. I hope Spike Lee rots in hell.  I’m suing that punk’s ass off.  DARN DARN DARN DARN!

As for director Lee, he has acknowledged his mistake, apologized and sent out a follow-up tweet:

My bad.  The racist killer Zimmerman does not live at 1313 Mockingbird Lane.  He lives at 0001  Cemetery Lane.

The problem?  George Zimmerman does not live at this address either.  The occupants of 0001 Cemetery Lane are a family called the Addams (pictured here.)  Said Gomez Addams:

“If I ever meet that bastard Lee I’m going to introduce him to my crocodile farm!”

Spike Lee could not be reached for comment.

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From the desk of Chancellor Dennis Walcott

For immediate release:

To all parents and caregivers of children attending New York City public schools:

As all of you are no doubt aware and has been reported by the local media, a record 15 Department of Education employees have been busted this year for alleged sexual contact with minors under their care. Particularly troubling are the cases of Taleek Brooks who is charged with possession of child pornography and making porn  movies with children at his place and Gregory Atkins who told a nine year old boy to undress and then fondled his genitals.

Let me assure you that we take these allegations very seriously.  Granted not as seriously as smoking or improper diets but we do regard these alleged incidents as unfortunate.

Let me reassure parents and caregivers that the Department of Education has as strict “37 Strikes and You’re Out!” policy.

In conjunction with our partners in the teacher’s union all employees accused of improper sexual conduct will be visited by a home health care worker.  Since a correlation between impure food and forced sexual activity has been proven (I don’t have the specific study in front of me but it rings true) this home health care worker will check their refrigerators for impure foods such as hamburgers and steaks and inappropriate snacks such as potato chips and cheesecake.

Also since another recent study (again I can’t name the specific study) has found that those who smoke are 783% more likely to engage in improper conduct they will check for cigarettes.

We will also ask them questions about their entertainment viewing habits.  Studies have shown that those who  listen to Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin are  more likely to be sexual predators.

And this is just after the first allegation.  From here we get progressively tougher.

• After the fifth allegation those accused will be given a pamphlet entitled, “So You’ve Just Fondled an Eight-Year Old Boy’s Genitals.  Have I Done Something Wrong?”
• After the 15th allegation those accused will have to watch an educational film entitled, “Hey, Cut That Out!”
• After the 25th allegation alleged guilty parties will be forced to wear a nicotine patch and read a pamphlet called “Why You Smoke!”
• After the 37th allegation those accused will be promoted and given raises as an incentive to leave children alone.

It is only then that police will be called in to investigate.

But we must ask ourselves why this rush to judgment?  New York City is a tolerant, inclusive, open city.  That is why we have implemented our 37-strikes policy:  to protect our teachers from intolerant allegations.

I’d like to thank the local media for bringing these incidents to my attention.  (Even though we all know racism is the reason they reported them in the first place.)

Dennis Walcott

New York City Department of Education Chancellor

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The following has been reprinted with kind permission from the New Black Panther Party of America:

Greetings brothers!

Since the attack on our noble brother Trayvon Martin by a Hispanic – a white Hispanic – many of our peoples have asked us in the Executive Council of the New Black Panther Party whether this is a sign that the race war has begun, should we defend ourselves, who should we kill and under what circumstances.

Yes brothers. The race war has begun.  Like many we at the Executive Council of the New Black Panther party expected it to be against Whitey.  But despite our fondest hopes this is not to be the case.  Our war is against Hispanics.  Or more specifically white Hispanics, for it would be wrong to tarnish an entire peoples with the attribute racist.

Now onto specifics. When is it acceptable to kill a Hispanic (other than a Puerto Rican.)  Remember, our fight is with white Hispanics.

But you may ask, how can I tell when I’m fighting a white Hispanic? After all not every white Hispanic will have a readily identifiable Jew name like Zimmerman or Estevez.

Not to worry.  There is an app for that.  Just go to iTunes and download the “Is He Really a White Hispanic” app.  It’s free.

This handy app (approved by the Executive Council of the New Black Panther Party) will make it easier for you to decide whom to kill.  Using mathematical formulas you will be guided in your quest to kill white Hispanics.  The following are just some of the hightlights of this app:

• Is the Hispanic you are fighting related to Charlie Sheen?  If so he is a white Hispanic and his death is approved.
• If the amount of white blood in him is over 65% it is always acceptable to kill him (even if he isn’t Puerto Rican.)
• If  the white Hispanic you are confronting has only 13 to 43.26% white blood in him you must first get his death approved by the Executive Council of the New Black Panther Party.  It would also help to have two signed written statements testifying to the fact that the victim does in fact identify himself as a white Hispanic.
• Below this it gets even trickier.  If the white Hispanic you are confronting has only 0.125% Hispanic blood, or is what we like to call an “octoroon” then for legal purposes he is no longer white Hispanic but full-blooded white.  As such it is unacceptable to kill him (unless that 0.125% is Puerto Rican of course.)
• If he has less than 0.125% Hispanic blood but still identifies himself as such beware!   He might be an FBI decoy.  Do not kill him (unless he is Puerto Rican.)

And that my brothers are just some of our guidelines.

Until the race war is won fight on!

Note:  The New Black Panther Party of America is not affiliated with Burlington Coat Factory.

My thanks again to the New Black Panther Party of America for granting me permission to reprint this.

Manhattan Infidel

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It was once a staple of every child’s school experience:  a trip to the vending machine for some tasty snacks.  But all that is now to change.  Thanks to renewed benevolence from the Federal government I have to say that or the Feds will come to my place and use my bathroom after a heavy Mexican meal vending machines will now be stocked with healthy, green food.

Instead of the usual Cheez-It’s, crackers, potato chips and danishes vending machines will now be forced to stock “85 percent healthy food, food by-products, healthy by-products of food by-products, by-products of healthy by-products of food by-products and Richard Simmons” who will be melted down into Richard Simmons by-products.

In an official statement the Food and Drug administration talked about the new regulations.

Kids are fat.  And the blame lies squarely with these evil vending machines.  Oh sure there are some who say that parents should monitor their children’s diets but here at the FDA we say, “Bah, humbug!”  Parents, or as we like to call them, “care providers” have no place in children’s lives.  They might dare teach their children values counter to what the government wants.  And that is wrong.  So to recap:  get care-providers out of the equation.  Government knows what’s best. By-products are tasty. Fecal by-products are tastier.  Richard Simmons by-products are as close to heaven on earth as you can get.

In addition to healthy government-approved by-products twice a month all vending machines will be emptied of their contents.  Children will then be “encouraged” to spend a few minutes in silent prayer before the empty machines asking the government to forgive them their sins.

It’s important that children learn early that they are sinful creatures, unworthy of forgiveness from the government.  But that President and especially Mrs. Obama, out of the superflowing goodness of their hearts have adopted sinful children and given them new life.

In poorer school districts that cannot afford the new vending machines experiments in behavior modification will be used.  Old vending machines will be retrofitted with new voices.  Instead of saying “dispensing change” or something similar the machines will now have a pre-recorded voice say, “You sure you want to eat that you fat f###?” or “Eat that and Mrs. Obama will be ashamed of you.”

Shame can be a very powerful motivator.  We want children to feel ashamed of offending Mrs. Obama.  We want children to feel ashamed of thoughts of food not approved by the government.

The new vending machines will be manufactured in China and will be available to school districts for the start of the new school year.

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