My Exclusive Interview with Dr. Zaius

All my life I have waited for your coming and dreaded it, Manhattan Infidel!

Today at Manhattan Infidel I reach through the future mists of time to interview the popular yet polarizing figure of Dr. Zaius, minister of science and chief defender of the faith in Ape City.

MI:  Good afternoon Dr. Zaius.

Dr. Zaius:  Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.

MI:  Let’s talk about the political structure of Ape City.  You are an orangutan.

Dr. Zaius:  And proud to be one.

MI:  Now in Ape City the orangutans rule.  And gorillas are on the bottom of the social scale. Why is this?

Dr. Zaius:  It’s as it should be.  Lighter skinned primates are more intelligent than dark skinned primates.  The science is settled.

MI:  Okay.  I’ll take your word for it.  My next question, why is your city called “Ape City”?

Dr. Zaius:  We wanted a name that represented strength and dignity.  And Ho-Ho-Kus was taken.  New Jersey has all the good names.

MI:  I guess that makes sense.  Let’s talk about your dual role as scientist and defender of the faith.

Dr. Zaius:  There’s no contradiction between faith and science.  True science.

MI:  Really?  Really?  Could it be you are harboring a secret?  

Dr. Zaius:  Oh alright.  All my life I’ve awaited your coming Manhattan Infidel and dreaded it.

MI:  Say again?

Dr. Zaius:  You are a menace.  A walking pestilence. 

MI:  Is this because I’m Irish?

Dr. Zaius:  Why Manhattan Infidel you are a nuisance.  You eat up your food supply in New York then you migrate to the green belts of New Jersey and ravage our crops.  The sooner you are exterminated the better.  It’s a matter of Simian survival.

MI:  New Jersey has green belts?  Listen chump you are pretty close to getting punched in the nose.

Dr. Zaius:  I have always known about you.  From the evidence I believe your wisdom must walk hand in hand with your idiocy.  Your emotions must rule your brain.  You must be a warlike creature who gives battle to everything around him, including himself.

MI:  That’s just how we are in New York.

Dr. Zaius:  Manhattan was once a paradise.  Your breed made a desert of it ages ago.

MI:  Does that include the lower east side?  Because I’ve always found that to be something of a shithole.

Dr. Zaius:  Have you forgotten your scripture?  The thirteenth scroll?  “And Proteus brought the upright beast into the garden and chained him to a tree and the children did make sport of him.”

MI:  I remember that.  I cried.  The children hurt my feelings.  That’s when I teamed up with Lady Gaga to start an anti-bullying campaign.

Dr. Zaius:  One last thing before you go – and this is going to blow your mind:  Apes evolved from men!

MI:  What?  A planet where apes evolved from men?  There’s got to be an answer.

Dr. Zaius:  Don’t look for it, Manhattan Infidel.  You might not like what you find.

MI:  Why?  Does it involve math?

Dr. Zaius:  Just go already will you.  I’m late for my weekly steam bath with the other orangutans. A high point of civilized orangutan culture is the steam bath.

MI:  Well then I bid you adieu.   Um, you wouldn’t happen to have another space ship?  Mine crashed in a lake and sunk.

Dr. Zaius:  No but Virgin Atlantic has regular flights.

And so I bid farewell to the esteemed doctor and got a flight on Virgin Atlantic (good pretzels and other snacks!)


5 Responses

  1. Your own space ship? Are you a secret member of TPTB?

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    JCF: Unlike the United States, which views its space program as simply another way to make Muslims feel good about themselves Ape City has a thriving space program.

  3. Matt says:

    Damn dirty ape!

  4. “The sooner you are exterminated the better.”

    That ape’s gotta go, a wet work team needs to be put together to take care of him. Statements like that are at best, hostile to mankind. This planet ain’t big enough for all of us. Well not with that attitude at least.

  5. Zaius does look suspiciously like Michael E. Mann, now that you mention it.

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