It was once a staple of every child’s school experience:  a trip to the vending machine for some tasty snacks.  But all that is now to change.  Thanks to renewed benevolence from the Federal government I have to say that or the Feds will come to my place and use my bathroom after a heavy Mexican meal vending machines will now be stocked with healthy, green food.

Instead of the usual Cheez-It’s, crackers, potato chips and danishes vending machines will now be forced to stock “85 percent healthy food, food by-products, healthy by-products of food by-products, by-products of healthy by-products of food by-products and Richard Simmons” who will be melted down into Richard Simmons by-products.

In an official statement the Food and Drug administration talked about the new regulations.

Kids are fat.  And the blame lies squarely with these evil vending machines.  Oh sure there are some who say that parents should monitor their children’s diets but here at the FDA we say, “Bah, humbug!”  Parents, or as we like to call them, “care providers” have no place in children’s lives.  They might dare teach their children values counter to what the government wants.  And that is wrong.  So to recap:  get care-providers out of the equation.  Government knows what’s best. By-products are tasty. Fecal by-products are tastier.  Richard Simmons by-products are as close to heaven on earth as you can get.

In addition to healthy government-approved by-products twice a month all vending machines will be emptied of their contents.  Children will then be “encouraged” to spend a few minutes in silent prayer before the empty machines asking the government to forgive them their sins.

It’s important that children learn early that they are sinful creatures, unworthy of forgiveness from the government.  But that President and especially Mrs. Obama, out of the superflowing goodness of their hearts have adopted sinful children and given them new life.

In poorer school districts that cannot afford the new vending machines experiments in behavior modification will be used.  Old vending machines will be retrofitted with new voices.  Instead of saying “dispensing change” or something similar the machines will now have a pre-recorded voice say, “You sure you want to eat that you fat f###?” or “Eat that and Mrs. Obama will be ashamed of you.”

Shame can be a very powerful motivator.  We want children to feel ashamed of offending Mrs. Obama.  We want children to feel ashamed of thoughts of food not approved by the government.

The new vending machines will be manufactured in China and will be available to school districts for the start of the new school year.

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