From the desk of Chancellor Dennis Walcott

For immediate release:

To all parents and caregivers of children attending New York City public schools:

As all of you are no doubt aware and has been reported by the local media, a record 15 Department of Education employees have been busted this year for alleged sexual contact with minors under their care. Particularly troubling are the cases of Taleek Brooks who is charged with possession of child pornography and making porn  movies with children at his place and Gregory Atkins who told a nine year old boy to undress and then fondled his genitals.

Let me assure you that we take these allegations very seriously.  Granted not as seriously as smoking or improper diets but we do regard these alleged incidents as unfortunate.

Let me reassure parents and caregivers that the Department of Education has as strict “37 Strikes and You’re Out!” policy.

In conjunction with our partners in the teacher’s union all employees accused of improper sexual conduct will be visited by a home health care worker.  Since a correlation between impure food and forced sexual activity has been proven (I don’t have the specific study in front of me but it rings true) this home health care worker will check their refrigerators for impure foods such as hamburgers and steaks and inappropriate snacks such as potato chips and cheesecake.

Also since another recent study (again I can’t name the specific study) has found that those who smoke are 783% more likely to engage in improper conduct they will check for cigarettes.

We will also ask them questions about their entertainment viewing habits.  Studies have shown that those who  listen to Rush Limbaugh or Sarah Palin are  more likely to be sexual predators.

And this is just after the first allegation.  From here we get progressively tougher.

• After the fifth allegation those accused will be given a pamphlet entitled, “So You’ve Just Fondled an Eight-Year Old Boy’s Genitals.  Have I Done Something Wrong?”
• After the 15th allegation those accused will have to watch an educational film entitled, “Hey, Cut That Out!”
• After the 25th allegation alleged guilty parties will be forced to wear a nicotine patch and read a pamphlet called “Why You Smoke!”
• After the 37th allegation those accused will be promoted and given raises as an incentive to leave children alone.

It is only then that police will be called in to investigate.

But we must ask ourselves why this rush to judgment?  New York City is a tolerant, inclusive, open city.  That is why we have implemented our 37-strikes policy:  to protect our teachers from intolerant allegations.

I’d like to thank the local media for bringing these incidents to my attention.  (Even though we all know racism is the reason they reported them in the first place.)

Dennis Walcott

New York City Department of Education Chancellor

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