Today I am pleased to interview one of the more reclusive denizens of North America:  Bigfoot, or Sasquatch himself.  As always when Bigfoot is interviewed precautions were taken to protect his location.  I was blindfolded and driven to a remote cabin.  When I took my blindfold off I was face to face with this remarkable creature.

BF:  Hello.

MI:  Hello Bigfoot.  Wow.  So I finally meet the reclusive Bigfoot.  

BF:  Yeah, so what would you like to know?

MI:  Let’s start at the beginning. Do you prefer to be called Bigfoot or Sasquatch?

BF:  Neither.  Sasquatch is the name of my species.  How’d you like it if I called you “human”?  and Bigfoot was just a nickname that some idiot logger gave me.

MI:  So what is your name?

BF:  Inigo Montoya.  What can I say?  The Princess Bride was my parents’ favorite movie.

MI:  So there’s more than one of you?

BF:  Of course you idiot.  My peoples are a noble and gregarious race.  We are very clannish.   Do you think I am alone?  Do you think I live a solitary existence?  I’m not a blogger. 

MI:  Ouch.  That hit close to home.

BF:  Sorry.  It’s just that I get sensitive around humans.  They are so ignorant about us.

MI:  Well you are very reclusive.  Why not just come out and talk to the humans?

BF:  Don’t take this personally but you’re kind of beneath us.

MI:  Okay, let’s talk a little about – 

BF:  Mind if I smoke?

MI:  No, go ahead.  Let’s talk a little about your life and the life of a typical Sasquatch.   What are your mating rituals?

BF:  To tell you the truth we aren’t big on mating.  We just go into the local college campuses and kidnap a few coeds.  They are all like, “help help where are you taking me” but they come to appreciate us.  They say we are manlier than men.  So we mate.  Boy do we.

MI:  Let’s talk about the history of Sasquatch.  Any famous Sasquatch’s?

BF:  Sacagawea.

MI:  From Lewis and Clark?

BF:  Yep.  She was one of us.  We sold her to a European who liked them smelly and hairy.  He was French after all.

MI:  Interesting.  Let’s talk about the famous Patterson-Gimlin film that allegedly showed one of you.

BF:  Oh yeah, that.  Story is that one of use was out getting his freak on with a lady friend and then he sees this camera so he ran away.  How would you feel if you were doing it and suddenly you were being filmed?

MI:  I guess I’d be rather angry. 

BF:  Damn right.

MI:  You don’t mind if I ask you this – your rather quite large.  Is this the normal size of your kind?

BF:  Yeah, I’m pretty representative.

MI:  So I have to ask – football.  Do any of your kind play football?

BF:  Oh sure.  Especially now that the NFL has strict [cough, cough] steroid and HGH testing.  Humans can’t grow that large so the scouts are signing us.

MI:  Let’s go back even further.  When did Sasquatch first arrive in America?  Did you –

BF:  Hey can we wrap this up?  I have a lady friend waiting for me.  And she’s quite the feminist coed.  But we supply free birth control here so she should be happy.

MI:  One last question. What is the lifespan of a Sasquatch?  Are your parents still alive?

BF:  No.  It’s rather sad.  They were both killed by humans.

MI:  I’m sorry  What happened?

BF:  They ran out of sugar so they went to a human’s house to borrow some.  Guy freaked and shot them both.

MI:  Tragic.

BF:  My  name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die!

MI:  Stop saying that!

BF:  I’m just joking with you. My parents are retired and living in Key West.

MI:  Okay well I thank you for your time. Anything you’d like to say to my readers before I go?

BF:  Vote Romney!  Sasquatch and Mormon unity!

MI:  Okay.  Well I guess that’s a question for another day.

After my interview ended I was blindfolded again and driven back to civilization.

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