5 Jun 12

How the Mayor Stole 32-Ounce Big Gulps

New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced his intention to ban all 32-ounce soft drinks in New York City as part of his desire to fight obesity. In announcing the ban Bloomberg told reporters that “I think that is what the public wants the mayor to do.”

Those unfamiliar with Mayor Bloomberg’s administration may wonder as to his motives.

Every New Yorker, every real New Yorker loves a 32-ounce big gulp. It’s as big as the city itself. But Mayor Bloomberg did not. Bloomberg hated 32-ounce big gulps. Now please don’t ask why; no one quite knows the reason. It could be, perhaps that his shoes were too tight. Or it could be that his head wasn’t screwed on just right. But I think the most likely reason of all may have been that his heart was two sizes too small, as this photo from Bloomberg’s last physical clearly shows. But whatever his reason, his heart or his shoes, he stood at a podium in City Hall hating Big Gulps. Staring down from his podium, with a sour mayoral frown at the warm, lighted windows of every 7-11 in town. For he knew that every New Yorker was busy drinking a sugar-filled 32-ounce Big Gulp.

“I must stop this whole thing” said the Mayor. “I must stop Big Gulps from coming. But how?”

Then Mayor Bloomberg got an idea as this photo from a recent press conference clearly shows.

The mayor got a wonderful, awful idea.

You’re a mean one, Mayor Bloomberg

You really are a heel

You’re as cuddly as a cactus

You’re as charming as an eel

Mayor Bloomberg

You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel

Not content with just ordering the banning of the offending drink, Bloomberg, despite doctor’s orders to refrain from physical exertion because of his two-sizes too small heart began stealing 32-ounce Big Gulps himself as this police surveillance photo clearly shows.

You’re a monster Mayor Bloomberg

Your heart’s an empty hole

Your brain is full of spiders

You’ve got garlic in your soul, Mayor Bloomberg

I wouldn’t touch you with a

Thirty-nine and a half foot pole

Moving quickly throughout New York City Mayor Bloomberg went from house to house, stealing all the 32-ounce Big Gulps he could find. Mayor Bloomberg had just stolen the last Big Gulp when he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove. He turned around fast and saw a little New Yorker, little Cindy Lou Rodriguez, who was no more than two. She stared at Mayor Bloomberg and said:

“Mayor Bloomberg, why? Why are you taking my Big Gulp, why?”

But do you know that old Mayor Bloomberg was so smart and so slick that he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick.

“Why my sweet little tot” said the lying Mayor, “This Big Gulp has no ice. So I’m taking it home to my workshop at Gracie Mansion my dear. I’ll get some ice for it there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head, got her a non 32-ounce drink and sent her to bed, as this video capture from their home security system clearly shows.

You’re a vile one, Mayor Bloomberg

You have termites in your smile

You have all the tender sweetness of a seasick crocodile,

Mayor Bloomberg

Given the choice between the two of you,

I’d take the seasick crocodile

It was a quarter to dawn and Mayor Bloomberg had taken the last Big Gulp in the city. To Gracie Mansion rode Mayor Bloomberg as he exclaimed:

“They’re finding out now that no Big Gulp is coming. Their mouths will hang open for a minute or two, then the New Yorkers down in New York will all cry, ‘Boo hoo.’ ”

He paused and Mayor Bloomberg put a hand to his ear. And he did hear a sound. But this, this sound wasn’t sad. Why this sound sounded glad! Every New Yorker down in New York, the tall and the small was singing without any Big Gulps at all! He hadn’t stopped Big Gulps from coming! And Mayor Bloomberg stood puzzling.

“How could it be so? Why are they singing? There are no Big Gulps!”

He puzzled and puzzled until his puzzler was sore. Then Mayor Bloomberg thought of something he hadn’t before. Maybe Big Gulps he thought, do not come from a store. Maybe Big Gulps, perhaps, mean a little bit more.

And what happened then? Well in New York they say that Mayor Bloomberg’s heart grew three sizes that day as these police video stills clearly show.

And then the true meaning of Big Gulps came through. And now that his heart didn’t feel quite so tight he decided to return all the Big Gulps he had stolen.

Unfortunately for Mayor Bloomberg he was immediately taken into custody by the NYPD who believed him a terrorist.

You’re a foul one, Mayor Bloomberg

You’re a nasty, wasty skunk

Your heart if full of unwashed socks

Your soul is full of gunk

Mayor Bloomberg

The three words that best describe you

Are as follows, and I quote:

Stink!

Stank!

Stunk!

Welcome Big Gulps bring your cheer. Cheer to all New Yorkers far and near. Big Gulps are in our grasp, so long as we have hands to clasp. Big Gulps will always be just as long as we have we. Welcome Big Gulps while we stand, heart to heart and hand in hand!

(578)

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4 Jun 12

John Edwards' Penis Found Not Guilty

After nine days of deliberations the jury in the campaign finance fraud trial of former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards who was accused of diverting campaign funds to his mistress found his penis not guilty on one count and deadlocked on the other counts.

Speaking on the steps of the courthouse after the verdict was delivered a clearly relieved Edwards talked about the stress he and his penis have gone through during the trial.

This case should never have gone to trial. The government had no case against me or my penis. We both have suffered because of the government’s vindictiveness.

After addressing the lack of substance in the prosecution’s case Edwards went on to talk about his and his penis’ moral failings.

While I have been found innocent of a crime that does not mean that I or my penis are innocent. There was an awful lot that was wrong. I have to take personal responsibility. No one else is responsible for the sins of my penis. I am responsible. These are moral failings and my penis should be held responsible.

Edwards also talked about the future for his penis.

I don’t think that God’s through with my penis. There are still some good things that my penis can do. There are still two America’s in this country. One for the rich and one for he poor. My penis can still help the poor.

Political analysts who watched Edwards’ press conference say that he is positioning his penis for a possible comeback. Said one:

Clearly Edwards thinks that is penis is not through, that his penis still has a future in the public eye. I think he’s in denial. His penis is toxic now.

Another analyst disagreed.

Edwards’ penis is still personally very popular. I would not be shocked to see it one day run for office again.

Meanwhile in further bad news for his penis, former mistress Rielle Hunter is publishing a memoir about her time together with Edwards entitled, “What Really Happened. John Edwards. His penis. Our Daughter and me.” Speaking to reporters Hunter said:

I am glad that John was found not guilty. The though of his penis in jail was too much for me. His penis gave me a daughter remember. And to imagine it fighting off felons in the prison shower made me cry. A penis like that should be free. Born free. As free as the wind blows. As free as the grass grows. Born free to follow John’s penis.

Lifetime Networks has announced that a movie about Edwards’s penis will be made called “Thrusting for the Poor.”

The role of Edwards’ penis will be played by Edward Furlong.

(399)

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1 Jun 12

My Exclusive Interview with Levi Johnston

Today at Manhattan Infidel I have the pleasure of interviewing Levi Johnston, the father of Sarah Palin’s grandson. Levi came to the attention of the world at the 2008 Republican convention. Since then his life has taken many unique turns.

MI: Mr. Johnston I want to start out by asking you –

LJ: Please. Call me Ricky. Ricky Hollywood.

MI: Um. Okay. [Pause.] Ricky. Anyway –

LJ: I was on the Tyra Banks show.

MI: So I hear.

LJ: She was very nice to me. She asked me questions about my life. It’s like we were best buds. She really cares for me. And afterwards I got to eat free food in the green room. The green room – that’s what us show biz professionals call it.

MI: You’re a show biz professional?

LJ: Yes. I went to this party. It was a GQ party. I got to wear pancake makeup because you know I’m a show biz professional and they all wear pancake makeup. I got to drink free cokes!

MI: Did you get to talk to anyone?

LJ: Funny thing. Nobody talked to me but I think it was because they were in awe of my Ricky Hollywood persona. I’m going to be the next big thing in Hollywood you know. The CBS morning show said I would be.

MI: Now –

LJ: I liked the people at at the CBS morning show. They asked me all sorts of questions about the Palins. And I got to eat free food in the green room. Though their green room wasn’t green like Tyra’s. I don’t know why they would call it a green room when it wasn’t green. I guess show biz people are funny that way.

MI: What did they ask you about Sarah Palin?

LJ: Well they wanted to know if I had ever witnessed her murder anybody and if she was a practicing witch. I didn’t know the answers to those questions so I told them what I think they wanted to hear. They were quite happy with me. They like me. It’s like we are best buds.

MI: So what are you doing now?

LJ: I’m living at home with my mom.

MI: Really?

LJ: This isn’t unusual for show biz professionals such as myself. I’m just biding my time until Tyra or CBS calls to ask me more questions about the Palins. Do you have any questions about Sarah Palin you’d like to ask me?

MI: No.

LJ: I once witnessed Sarah Palin round up 100 babies and burn them to death in a giant bonfire.

MI: I seriously doubt that.

LJ: Where’s your green room? Do you have any free soda for me?

MI: No I don’t.

LJ: Obviously you are not a show biz professional like I am. Ricky Hollywood is my name. Show biz is my game. Did you know I also dance?

MI: I did not know that. And frankly I really don’t care.

LJ: Look at me. I’m dancing. I’m lifting my shirt up. I’m lifting my shirt up.

MI: Please stop.

LJ: Look at my nipples. Look at my nipples! These are the nipples Sarah Palin wanted to play with after she burned those babies to death.

MI: Okay I’ve had enough. I’m going to have to ask you to leave now.

LJ: But I haven’t had a free soda yet.

MI: Get out!

LJ: This is no way to treat a show biz professional! You’ll never work in this town again. I will buy you and destroy you! As soon as I get my next gig. Gig: That’s what we show biz professionals call a job.

MI: Don’t let the door hit you on your ass on the way out.

And so ended my interview with Levi Johnston. And just for the record I do have a green room. Not that it’ll do him any good.

(373)

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31 May 12

An Intimate Conversation with the Polish Ambassador to the United States

It is my distinct pleasure to recently have had the opportunity to engage in a casual and intimate conversation with the ambassador to one of the United States’ staunchest allies in Europe, the honorable Robert Kupiecki of Poland, which I now present to my readers.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Ambassador.

RK: Good afternoon Mr. Infidel. It is always a pleasure to talk to the American press. You know the Polish people have a great love for the United States. During our long years of oppression by the Nazis and then the Communists we looked towards your country as a beacon of freedom. Nothing can destroy the love the Polish people have for your great country.

MI: Well that’s good to know. Listen I have to ask you about the recent controversy over President Obama’s statement about “Polish death camps.”

RK: They weren’t Polish death camps! They were German-run death camps in occupied Poland! Please! Let’s set the record straight.

MI: I don’t know. That seems like a matter of semantics.

RK: It is not semantics! The Polish people did not run those death camps. They were used to kill us! Millions of Polish people died during World War II. For your president to use that phrase deeply offends the Polish people. We suffered greatly during World War II.

MI: Hey, I can relate to suffering. I myself am lactose intolerant.

RK: What? Are you ignorant?

MI: No. I’m a Democrat. Very nuanced.

RK: How can you even compare the two?

MI: I’m just saying you don’t know what true suffering is until you realize you can’t have a chocolate chip cookie or a cheese danish.

RK: Oh god I am so close to shooting you right now.

MI: Funny I get that a lot from people I interview. Anyway. Back to the Polish death camps. Why do you think Polish people allowed death camps on their soil?

RK: I don’t believe this. WE WERE OCCUPIED! We didn’t run the death camps. WE WERE OCCUPIED!

MI: I know how frustrating that can be. The other day I went to one of those outdoor summer concert series and the portojohns were all occupied. I thought my bladder would burst. Serves me right for having so many beers.

RK: You are an idiot!

MI: Well there’s no reason to resort to name-calling. Listen things are getting tense. What do you say I break up the tension with a joke? Okay?

RK: Alright.

MI: What has no natural, defensible borders and is easily overrun by Germans?

RK: What?

MI: Poland! God I love that joke.

RK: Where’s my gun? Where the hell is my gun?

MI: Wow. You have quite the temper. Are all Polish like you? If so I can certainly see how death camps would pop up in your country.

RK: Please don’t call it a Polish death camp. Oh what’s the use.

MI: Hey look pal, my president called it a Polish death camp. And as a citizen of the world I think he knows what he’s talking about!

RK: I’m leaving. You are an imbecile. And if you were a man I’d challenge you to a duel?

MI: Why have a duel when you can just put me in a death camp?

RK: F#@! off! [Slams door shut as he leaves the room.]

I must say that this conversation changed forever my opinion of the Polish people. I used to like them. But not now. And I’m definitely not going to vacation there. Who knows what trumped up charges they’d arrest me on. I for one have no intention of dying in a Polish death camp!

(455)

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30 May 12

The Gospel According to Barack Obama (Part XVIII)

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be like to ten virgins, who taking their free birth control went out to meet the bridegroom and the bride to get their freak on.

And five of them were foolish and did not use birth control, and five wise who did.

And the bridegroom tarrying, they all went to a slumber party instead where they did put on sexy pajamas.

And at midnight the groom cometh in his Chevy Volt, for he doth care about the environment.

Then all the virgins arose and put away their vibrators.

And the foolish said to the wise: Give us of your birth control.

The wise answered, saying: Lest perhaps there be not enough for us and for you, go ye rather to Walmart and buy for yourselves.

Now whilst they went to buy, the bridegroom came: and they that had their birth control, went in with him and the door was shut. And verily did they get their freak on.

But at last came also the other virgins, saying: Chevy Volt driver, open to us.

But he answering said: Amen I’m already finished. I’m in my refractory period and just want to sleep.

For even as a man going into a far country by high speed rail, called his employees, and delivered to them his goods.

And to one he gave 5000 Euros, and to the other, two thousand Euros, and to another one thousand Euros.

And he that received the five thousand traded the same and gained another five.

And in like manner he that received the two, gained another two.

But he that received the one, put it into a 401K.

But after a long time, for the high speed rail was not working properly, the boss of the employees came.

And he that receiveth the five thousand coming, brought another five, saying: thou didst deliver to me five thousand, behold I engaged in crony capitalism.

His boss said: Well done. Because thou has been faithful over a few things, I will place thee over many things as soon as you pass your drug test.

And he that receiveth the two thousand came and said: Behold I have gained another two for I invested in solar energy providers. But take ye the money now before someone gets wise.

His boss said: Well done. Because thou has been faithful over a few things I will place thee over the Kenosha, Wisconsin office as soon as you pass your drug test.

But he that received one thousand came and said: Boss, I did what I was supposed to do. I invested in a 401K but that went bankrupt when the housing market crashed.

And his boss answering, said to him: Jackass. Thou oughtest to have committed my money to some rich, crony friends of mine and at my coming I should have received my own with usury.

You’re fired. Give me your badge and your parking spot.

And when the son of socialism shall come he shall set the socialists on his right hand, but the capitalists on his left.

Then shall the son of socialism say to them that shall be on his right hand: Come, possess the kingdom that you have redistributed.

For I was hungry and you gave me a burger; I was thirsty and you gave me a 64-ounce colon-bursting sugar-filled soft drink. But still one shouldn’t eat or drink this unhealthy stuff so don’t tell anybody.

Then he shall say to them also that shall be on his left hand: Depart from me you cursed, into everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his capitalists.

For I needed campaign contributions and you gave me not: I needed to nationalize your assets and you gave me not.

Then they also shall answer him saying: But where in the Constitution does it give you the right to seize and redistribute our assets?

Then I shall answer them saying: Amen I say to you, I taught constitutional law in Chicago for I am a constitutional expert.

And these shall go into everlasting tax liens and seizures: but the redistributionists into socialism everlasting.

[To be continued.]

(379)

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29 May 12

The Manhattan Infidel Guide to What Not to Say During a Job Interview

You’ve answered the ad. You’ve been called in for an interview. Things seem to be going fine and then: BAM! You say the wrong thing and you know you will never get the job. This is not unusual. Job interviews are traps! Out of concern for my users I will now give you a handy list of things not to say during a job interview. Armed (well not literally except in certain sections of New Jersey) with this new-found knowledge hopefully your next interview will lead to well-paying job security!

Do not ask about the company’s sexual harassment policy. Just assume for starters that it is frowned upon. So no matter how much you may want to, do not ask the super hot, young, stacked female HR representative if “the policy on sexual harassment is strictly enforced because I like to play the field.”
Remember. It is just an interview. Certain questions at this point are inappropriate. Do not ask during the interview if you “can declare my other personalities as dependents?” Save a specific tax-related question like that until a job offer is tendered.
At some point the HR representative will ask you what you like to do in your spare time. This is a trap! They do this to weed out candidates with quirky personalities. So when you are asked this do the right thing and lie. Tell them that in your spare time you enjoy reading to orphans or teaching autistic children how to finger paint. Do not mention your fondness for 24/7 nudity. And definitely do not ask if you can work at your cubicle naked. Again, only after a job offer is tendered is it appropriate to bring this up.
As my readers are no doubt aware discrimination based on race, creed or color is illegal. Employers pride themselves on being committed to diversity. It is probably not a good idea to mention during the interview that you have “worked with Chinese, Greeks, hell even Methodists but under no circumstances will I share a cubicle with an Irishman!”
When looking at your resume potential employers might notice a gap in your employment history. If asked about this lie. Tell them you had no job for three years because you were working for the Peace Corp in Africa ensuring that villagers had access to a clean water supply. Do not tell them that you were in jail. And definitely do not tell them about the valuable skills you picked up in prison such as hiding money in your posterior and “giving it up sweet like candy.” Also, do not ask the HR representative if the thought of you “giving it up sweet like candy” aroused her. (See No. 1.)
You might be asked why you left your last job. Do not mention it was because you stabbed your boss. (Unless he was Irish. See no. 4). Instead say something along the lines of “I was looking for a challenge that would quantitatively accessorize my workspace actualization.” HR people like phrases like that.

And there you have it. In short. Lie. Lying is always good. And it might quantitatively accessorize your workspace actualization!

(315)

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25 May 12

Feds Investigate Manhattan Infidel IPO

Fast on the heels of the debacle over the Facebook initial public offering, Wall Street is now dealing with the looming scandal over the IPO for a relatively insignificant blog that calls itself “Manhattan Infidel.”

Trouble began in March when the man behind Manhattan Infidel, a shadowy figure who has never been photographed and is known only by his nom de plume of “Ricky Hot Pants” began the paperwork for the IPO of his blog.

Said a Wall Street regulator who reviewed the paperwork:

Something seemed odd. The papers revealed that he hoped to raise 100 million with an initial offering of $50 per share. I thought that this was unusual for a blog that only received 25 hits a day, with 18 of those being people looking for naked photos of Marty Feldman and the others researching home remedies for gonorrhea. So I called him up and asked him if this was a scam. There was a pause and he replied, “Definitely yes. I mean no.” Then he asked me to repeat the question. So I did. I asked him a second time if this was a scam. He said, “Most definitely, absolutely yes. Dammit. I mean no.” So I alerted the FBI.

The FBI agent in charge of the IPO investigation reports that after he began looking into the matter he received a phone call from Manhattan Infidel, the transcript of which is as follows:

FBI agent: Hello?

MI: I know where you live.

FBI agent: What?

MI: I know where you live and I’m coming over.

FBI agent: Manhattan Infidel is that you? Are you trying to intimidate me because I’m investigating you?

MI: [pause] Um. Yeah. Of course. Why else would I be calling? [long pause] So I guess I should put my pants back on?

“I felt so dirty after that conversation. I haven’t been able to touch my wife for weeks” said the agent who resigned and is now running a “purity seminar.”

The second agent in charge of the investigation reports that he also got a phone call from Manhattan Infidel where he taunted him by repeatedly saying, “You’ll never catch me. You’ll never be able to find me.”

So I asked him where that would be. And you know what he said? He said ‘Oh, I’m here having a beer at Fitzgerald’s Pub at 336 Third Avenue. Yeah, between 24th and 25th streets.’ We sent a few agents over to arrest him. What can I say? He’s no criminal mastermind.

As it turns out this is not his first attempt at scamming the public, as this photo of a secret government warehousededicated exclusively to documenting scams started by Manhattan Infidel shows.

“My favorite was the solar powered night vision goggles” said the agent.

Manhattan Infidel is currently being held without bail at a federal facility. His blog’s IPO has been cancelled.

(353)

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24 May 12

The Gospel According to Barack Obama (Part XVII)

And Barack being come out of the White House went away. And his disciples in the mainstream media came to shew him the buildings of Washington D.C.

And answering, said to them: Do you see all these things? Amen I say to you there shall not be left here a stone upon a stone unless the Republican party stops its war on women and gives 30-year old college students access to free birth control.

And when he was sitting in a diner eating a cheeseburger his disciples in the mainstream media came to him saying: Good Lord Obama, tell us when shall these things be? Normally I’d receive a message on my blackberry telling me about it but my mailbox is over the limit and I can’t receive emails on it anymore. And the useless idiots at the help desk won’t increase the size of my mailbox.

And Barack answering, said to them: Take heed that no man seduce you, unless it be I.

For many will come in my name saying, I am the son of redistribution.

And you will hear of wars on women and rumors of wars on women, poor and minorities. See that you not be troubled. For women, the poor and minorities will always vote Democratic as long as we give them free stuff like birth control, free medical care and arugula for their diets.

Now all these are the beginnings of sorrows in a land without cradle-to-grave socialism.

And you shall be hated by all nations for my name’s sake. This is the fault of Bush.

And because the Republican party has abounded, the charity of many will grow cold.

But he that shall persevere to the end, he shall be saved by redistribution.

And this gospel of socialism shall be preached to all the Blue states (for I have given the red states up to their own iniquity and capitalism), and then shall the consummation begin.

When therefore you shall see the abomination of desolation receiving the Republican nomination: he that readeth let him understand. Except in California where test scores are so low they probably can’t read anyway.

Then they that are in Washington D.C., let them flee to Georgetown.

And he that is on the housetop, acquired through Freddie Mac, let him not come down to take anything out of his house, which is worth nothing anymore anyway.

And he that is in the field, probably Mexican, let him receive free birth control.

And woe to them that are with child, and that give suck in those days. For they should have used the free birth control I shall have provided.

But pray that your flight be not in winter. For high speed rail doesn’t work well when the tracks are covered in snow.

For there shall be great tribulation, such as hath not been seen from the beginning of the world until the time Oprah and Michelle got into a fight.

Then if any man shall say to you: Lo, here is Obama, or there, do not believe them. Only believe them if you see a lot of Secret Service looking for hookers. For they shall have been provided with free condoms.

For there shall arise false prophets of redistribution on Fox news, and shall show great signs and have great ratings, insomuch as to deceive (if possible) even the elect inner party cadre of socialists.

Behold I have told it to you, beforehand. And I am a constitutional scholar. And smart. Not like people say.

If therefore they shall say to you: Behold he is in the deserts of Nevada partying with Harry Reid, go ye not out. For the road will already be shut down by the Secret Service. Behold he is in the closet. No truth to the that rumor. I am not into Pakistani men.

For as lightning cometh out of the east, and appeareth even in the west: So shall also the coming of the Son of Socialism be.

And immediately after the tribulation of those days, the sun shall be darkened because of climate change.

And then shall appear the Son of Socialism on The View: and they shall see the Son of Socialism coming with much power and a majestic Secret Service convoy to shut down many streets.

And he shall send his ministers in the mainstream media: and they shall gather together his elect from Georgetown to the very ends of Washington D.C.

Amen I say to you, this generation SHALL NOT PASS until Gandalf battles a balrog.

Heaven and earth shall pass, but my words of redistribution shall not pass….the House which has a Republican majority.

Watch ye therefore, because you know not what hour your lord Obama will come.

And there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Because they didn’t have free dental coverage.

[To be continued.]

(444)

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23 May 12

Yankees Win; Watch Reruns of Matlock

“Babe Ruth? Bah humbug. Me and Billy have more hookers every night than that fat old man did in an entire year.” ~ attributed to Mickey Mantle.

The above photo is Phil “Will never live up to his promise” Hughes warming up before the game. Fun fact: Phil Hughes is under 30 years old. Obviously he is an outcast in the clubhouse. Anyway, the ~~Geriatrics~~ Yankees played game two of their three game series against the Kansas City Royals.

The ~~Geriatrics~~ Yankees, the oldest team in the history of baseball, started the aforementioned Phil “What is with old people and Matlock?” Hughes (4-5 4.94) while the Royals started Luke Hochevar (3-5 6.61).

The Royals got on the board first in the top of the third when Humberto Quintero doubled home Irving “Irving?” Falu. 1-0 Royals after three.

In the top of the fourth the Royals scored again when Mets reject (and how’s that for a mark of shame? Rejected by the Mets?) Jeff Francoeur homered. 2-0 Royals after 3 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the fourth when Robinson “Will turn 30 this year” Cano hit a home run into the Yankee bullpen. 2-1 Royals after four.

In the bottom of the fifth the ~~Geriatrics~~ Yankees took the lead for good, scoring two runs on three hits. Mark Teixeira, who has been battling ~~syphilis~~ a bronchial infection all year singled. Russell Martin, who isn’t even batting the interstate, was then hit by the pitch. Why? Possibly because he’s Canadian. Dewayne Wise then singled. Bases loaded. No outs. The Royals had the ~~Geriatrics~~ Yankees right where they wanted them.

As you may be aware the Yankees came into the game having had 0 hits in their last 2000 times with runners in scoring position

MATLOCK!!

when Derek Jeter came to bat. Jeter, for some reason refused to hit into a double play and singled home Teixeira. We can only speculate as to why Jeter didn’t hit into a double play but

MATLOCK!!

rumor has it that manager Joe Girardi had threatened to take away Jeter’s DVD collection of Matlock if he did. Curtis Granderson then grounded out to second allowing Russell Martin to score. 3-2 Yankees after five.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

Phil Hughes pitched well, going six innings while giving up five hits and striking out seven and walking two. (The two walks were in his last inning.) But then again Hughes is a young whippersnapper.

MATLOCK!!

Alex Rodriguez, our 250 million dollar slap hitter went one for four (a single.) However he did steal second but that’s probably because being old his eyesight is bad and he thought that Andy Griffith was the Royal’s second baseman.

MATLOCK!!

The Yankees, as is the rule, used their requisite six pitchers in the game. After Hughes came Corey Wade for 2/3rd of an inning followed by Boone Logan for 1/3 of an inning followed by Cody Eppley for 1/3 of an inning followed by Clay Rapada for 2/3 of an inning followed by Raphael Soriano to pitch the ninth.

And this is why baseball games take so damn long now. Six pitchers?

Note to self: Travel back in time and prevent the birth of Tony LaRussa.

Because of the creeping Larussa-ation of the game we now have to sit through managers bringing in their leftie specialist for one pitch followed by their man on second during a full moon specialist for two pitches followed by the extra special relief pitcher who is only brought in for one pitch when the bullpen coach’s left testicle

MATLOCK!!

itches because of some cheap hooker he met through a friend in the Secret Service.

Sunday July 1st is Old Timer’s day. As a cost-cutting measure the Yankees will actually have their current team play the Old Timer’s game. The baseball player’s union objected but the Yankees bought them out by promising to give DVDs of

MATLOCK!!

to all the players. Said Derek Jeter: “I like Matlock. He makes me forget Minka Kelly.”

It is now two weeks since Mariano Rivera went down with

MATLOCK!!

his season ending injury. And so I’d like to say (with apologies to Walt Whitman):

O Mariano! My Mariano! Our fearful game is done

The Yankees have weathered the storm. The game we sought is won

But O heart! Heart! Heart!

O the bleeding drops of red

Where on the outfield warning track my Mariano lies

Fallen with a torn ACL and meniscus.

O Mariano! My Mariano! rise up and hear the music

Rise up – for you Enter Sandman plays

Michael Piñeda injury watch:

As you are no doubt aware, the Yankees traded future superstar Jesus Montero over the winter to Seattle for Michael Piñeda, who was to be the lynchpin of our starting rotation for years to come. Well, Piñeda is out for the year with a torn labrum. While rehabbing his injury, and with time on his hands, he decided to enter the July 4th hot dog eating contest at Coney Island. Unfortunately while training by eating 30 hot dogs at one stretch his stomach exploded. Witness report hearing a loud “pop” and then seeing Piñeda holding his stomach as his intestines poured out. Brian Cashman is confident, absolutely confident that he will be back in the Yankee starting rotation next year.

Robin Gibb Not Stayin' Alive

Robin Gibb, one-third of the Australian group The Bee Gees has not stayed alive. His family has announced that he has not been stayin’ alive since Sunday.

Gibb’s family announced in a statement that “Robin has decided to not stay alive following a long illness. The family has asked that their privacy be respected during this very difficult time of not stayin’ alive.”

During a press conference held to announce his not stayin’ alive the doctor who treated Gibb in his final days said:

Well you can tell by the way he used his walk he’s a woman’s man. No time to talk. And he’ll have a lot more time not to talk now that he’s not stayin’ alive. Whether he’s a brother or whether he’s a mother he’s not stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive.

Barry Gibb, the last surviving member of the Bee Gees released a statement that read:

I am grief-stricken. I always thought Robin would be stayin’ alive. He promised me he would be stayin’ alive. He lied. The bastard. What about me? Do you think I came by this chest hair naturally? No. I pulled hair off of Robin and Maurice’s heads and glued it to my chest. It was just my way of keeping disco relevant. It was just my way of stayin’ alive.

Despite Robin’s not stayin’ alive, Barry Gibb has announced plans to tour as the Bee Gees. Replacing Robin on the tour will be former Obama press secretary Robert Gibbs, who told reporters that

I received a phone call and the voice on the other end said, “Hey it’s me, Barry.” And I said, “President Obama when did you get an Australian accent?” He said, “Wrong Barry. It’s Barry Gibb.” Then he asked me if I would like to tour with him. He said there was only one condition: I had to feel the city breakin’ and everybody shakin’ and that I had to be be stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive, ah ha ha ha stayin’ alive, stayin’ alive ah ha ha ha stayin’ alive. Well I informed him that I was in perfect health and I was hired on the spot.

Robin Gibb’s decision to not stay alive is not without controversy. A group claiming to have seen Saturday Night Fever 2000 times has instituted a lawsuit directed at the not stayin’ alive Mr. Gibb for breach of contract.

The song says “Stayin’ alive.” And we took him at his word. This not stayin’ alive crap has us outraged! Outraged! We haven’t been this outraged since we found out the Beatles did in fact not live in a Yellow Submarine.

As to how long Robin Gibb can continue to not stay alive, his brother Barry put it best.

Robin was always great at anything he put his hand to. So I expect him to be not stayin’ alive for a long, long time. But you know it’s alright. It’s okay. I’ll live to see another day. We can try to understand the New York Time’s effect on man. Ah ha ha ha stayin’ alive. Stayin’ alive. And I am still stayin’ alive! Yep. I’m definitely stayin’ alive.

Funeral plans for the recently not stayin’ alive Gibb have not been released.

(557)

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Robin Gibb Not Stayin' Alive

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Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.

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