The Gospel According to Barack Obama (Part XVIII)

 The Kingdom of redistribution is at hand!

Then shall the kingdom of heaven be like to ten virgins, who taking their free birth control went out to meet the bridegroom and the bride to get their freak on.

And five of them were foolish and did not use birth control, and five wise who did.

And the bridegroom tarrying, they all went to a slumber party instead where they did put on sexy pajamas.

And at midnight the groom cometh in his Chevy Volt, for he doth care about the environment.

Then all the virgins arose and put away their vibrators.

And the foolish said to the wise:  Give us of your birth control.

The wise answered, saying:  Lest perhaps there be not enough for us and for you, go ye rather to Walmart and buy for yourselves.

Now whilst they went to buy, the bridegroom came: and they that had their birth control, went in with him and the door was shut.  And verily did they get their freak on.

But at last came also the other virgins, saying:  Chevy Volt driver, open to us.

But he answering said:  Amen I’m already finished.  I’m in my refractory period and just want to sleep.

For even as a man going into a far country by high speed rail, called his employees, and delivered to them his goods.

And to one he gave 5000 Euros, and to the other, two thousand Euros, and to another one thousand Euros.

And he that received the five thousand traded the same and gained another five.

And in like manner he that received the two, gained another two.

But he that received the one, put it into a 401K.

But after a long time, for the high speed rail was not working properly, the boss of the employees came.

And he that receiveth the five thousand coming, brought another five, saying: thou didst deliver to me five thousand, behold I engaged in crony capitalism.

His boss said:  Well done.  Because thou has been faithful over a few things, I will place thee over many things as soon as you pass your drug test.

And he that receiveth the two thousand came and said:  Behold I have gained another two for I invested in solar energy providers.  But take ye the money now before someone gets wise.

His boss said:  Well done.  Because thou has been faithful over a few things I will place thee over the Kenosha, Wisconsin office as soon as you pass your drug test.

But he that received one thousand came and said:  Boss, I did what I was supposed to do.  I invested in a 401K but that went bankrupt when the housing market crashed.

And his boss answering, said to him:  Jackass.  Thou oughtest to have committed my money to some rich, crony friends of mine and at my coming I should have received my own with usury.

You’re fired. Give me your badge and your parking spot.

And when the son of socialism shall come he shall set the socialists on his right hand, but the capitalists on his left.

Then shall the son of socialism say to them that shall be on his right hand:  Come, possess the kingdom that you have redistributed.

For I was hungry and you gave me a burger; I was thirsty and you gave me a 64-ounce colon-bursting sugar-filled soft drink.   But still one shouldn’t eat or drink this unhealthy stuff so don’t tell anybody.

Then he shall say to them also that shall be on his left hand: Depart from me you cursed, into everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his capitalists.

For I needed campaign contributions and you gave me not:  I needed to nationalize your assets and you gave me not.

Then they also shall answer him saying:  But where in the Constitution does it give you the right to seize and redistribute our assets?

Then I shall answer them saying:  Amen I say to you, I taught constitutional law in Chicago for I am a constitutional expert.

And these shall go into everlasting tax liens and seizures:  but the redistributionists into socialism everlasting.

[To be continued.]


2 Responses

  1. “I taught constitutional law in Chicago for I am a constitutional expert…”

    Hahaaa, we know how reliable Obama is about his autobiography.

  2. So why isn’t it crony socialism?

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