Yankees Win; Watch Reruns of Matlock

“Babe Ruth?  Bah humbug.  Me and Billy have more hookers every night than that fat old man did in an entire year.” ~ attributed to Mickey Mantle.

Matlock!!!! Matlock!!

The above photo is Phil “Will never live up to his promise” Hughes warming up before the game.  Fun fact:  Phil Hughes is under 30 years old.  Obviously he is an outcast in the clubhouse.  Anyway, the Geriatrics Yankees played game two of their three game series against the Kansas City Royals.

The Geriatrics Yankees, the oldest team in the history of baseball, started the aforementioned Phil “What is with old people and Matlock?” Hughes (4-5 4.94) while the Royals started Luke Hochevar (3-5 6.61).

The Royals got on the board first in the top of the third when Humberto Quintero doubled home Irving “Irving?” Falu.  1-0 Royals after three.

In the top of the fourth the Royals scored again when Mets reject (and how’s that for a mark of shame?  Rejected by the Mets?) Jeff Francoeur homered.  2-0 Royals after 3 1/2.

The Yankees got a run back in the bottom of the fourth when Robinson “Will turn 30 this year” Cano hit a home run into the Yankee bullpen.  2-1 Royals after four.

In the bottom of the fifth the Geriatrics Yankees took the lead for good, scoring two runs on three hits.  Mark Teixeira, who has been battling syphilis a bronchial infection all year singled. Russell Martin, who isn’t even batting the interstate, was then hit by the pitch. Why? Possibly because he’s Canadian. Dewayne Wise then singled.  Bases loaded. No outs.  The Royals had the Geriatrics Yankees right where they wanted them.

As you may be aware the Yankees came into the game having had  0 hits in their last 2000 times with runners in scoring position


when Derek Jeter came to bat.  Jeter,  for some reason refused to hit into a double play and singled home Teixeira.  We can only speculate as to why Jeter didn’t hit into a double play but


rumor has it that manager Joe Girardi had threatened to take away Jeter’s DVD collection of Matlock if he did.  Curtis Granderson then grounded out to second allowing Russell Martin to score.  3-2 Yankees after five.

And that was the final score.

Notes on the game:

Phil Hughes pitched well, going six innings while giving up five hits and striking out seven and walking two.  (The two walks were in his last inning.)  But then again Hughes is a young whippersnapper.


Alex Rodriguez, our 250 million dollar slap hitter went one for four (a single.)  However he did steal second but that’s probably because being old his eyesight is bad and he thought that Andy Griffith was the Royal’s second baseman.


The Yankees, as is the rule, used their requisite six pitchers in the game.  After Hughes came Corey Wade for  2/3rd of an inning followed by Boone Logan for 1/3 of an inning followed by Cody Eppley for 1/3 of an inning followed by Clay Rapada for 2/3 of an inning followed by Raphael Soriano to pitch the ninth.

And this is why baseball games take so damn long now.  Six pitchers?

Note to self:  Travel back in time and prevent the birth of Tony LaRussa.

Because of the creeping Larussa-ation of the game we now have to sit through managers bringing in their leftie specialist for one pitch followed by their man on second during a full moon specialist for two pitches followed by the extra special relief pitcher who is only brought in for one pitch when the bullpen coach’s left testicle


itches because of some cheap hooker he met through a friend in the Secret Service.

Sunday July 1st is Old Timer’s day.  As a cost-cutting measure the Yankees will actually have their current team play the Old Timer’s game. The baseball player’s union objected but the Yankees bought them out by promising to give DVDs of


to all the players.  Said Derek Jeter: “I like Matlock. He makes me forget Minka Kelly.

It is now two weeks since Mariano Rivera went down with


his season ending injury.  And so I’d like to say (with apologies to Walt Whitman):

O Mariano!  My Mariano!  Our fearful game is done

The Yankees have weathered the storm.  The game we sought is won

But O heart!  Heart!  Heart!

O the bleeding drops of red

Where on the outfield warning track my Mariano lies

Fallen with a torn ACL and meniscus.

O Mariano!  My Mariano!  rise up and hear the music

Rise up – for you Enter Sandman plays

Michael Piñeda My stomach!  Something be burst! injury watch:

As you are no doubt aware, the Yankees traded future superstar Jesus Montero over the winter to Seattle for Michael Piñeda, who was to be the lynchpin of our starting rotation for years to come.  Well, Piñeda is out for the year with a torn labrum.  While rehabbing his injury, and with time on his hands, he decided to enter the July 4th hot dog eating contest at Coney Island.  Unfortunately while training by eating 30 hot dogs at one stretch his stomach exploded.  Witness report hearing a loud “pop” and then seeing Piñeda holding his stomach as his intestines poured out.  Brian Cashman is confident, absolutely confident that he will be back in the Yankee starting rotation next year.

Recommended reading material:

Ten Men Dead:  The Story of the 1981 Irish Hunger Strike by David Beresford.

Reader mail:

Andy Griffith writes, “Stop making fun of my TV show.  Matlock appealed to all age groups:  People in their 60s, people in their 70s, people in their 80s, the New York Yankees.  And if I was able to get out of this chair I’d go kick your ass.”

Wow.  Cranky old bastard isn’t he.

Anyway my record this year stands at 3-2.  My next game is Monday June 18th against the Atlanta Braves.  Go Yankees!





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