The Manhattan Infidel Guide to What Not to Say During a Job Interview

Nudism is not technically banned according to the employee manualYou’ve answered the ad.  You’ve been called in for an interview.  Things seem to be going fine and then:  BAM!  You say the wrong thing and you know you will never get the job.  This is not unusual.  Job interviews are traps!  Out of concern for my users I will now give you a handy list of things not to say during a job interview.  Armed  (well not literally except in certain sections of New Jersey) with this new-found knowledge hopefully your next interview will lead to well-paying job security!

  1. Do not ask about the company’s sexual harassment policy.  Just assume for starters that it is frowned upon.  So no matter how much you may want to, do not ask the super hot, young, stacked female HR representative if “the policy on sexual harassment is strictly enforced because I like to play the field.”
  2. Remember.  It is just an interview.  Certain questions at this point are inappropriate.  Do not ask during the interview if you “can declare my other personalities as dependents?”  Save a specific tax-related question like that until a job offer is tendered.
  3. At some point the HR representative will ask you what you like to do in your spare time.  This is a trap!  They do this to weed out candidates with quirky personalities.  So when you are asked this do the right thing and lie.  Tell them that in your spare time you enjoy reading to orphans or teaching autistic children how to finger paint.  Do not mention your fondness for 24/7 nudity.  And definitely do not ask if you can work at your cubicle naked.  Again, only after a job offer is tendered is it appropriate to bring this up.
  4. As my readers are no doubt aware discrimination based on race, creed or color is illegal. Employers pride themselves on being committed to diversity.  It is probably not a good idea to mention during the interview that you have “worked with Chinese, Greeks, hell even Methodists but under no circumstances will I share a cubicle with an Irishman!”
  5. When looking at your resume potential employers might notice a gap in your employment history.  If asked about this lie.  Tell them you had no job for three years because you were working for the Peace Corp in Africa ensuring that villagers had access to a clean water supply.  Do not tell them that you were in jail.  And definitely do not tell them about the valuable skills you picked up in prison such as hiding money in your posterior and “giving it up sweet like candy.”  Also, do not ask the HR representative if the thought of you “giving it up sweet like candy” aroused her.  (See No. 1.)
  6. You might be asked why you left your last job.  Do not mention it was because you stabbed your boss. (Unless he was Irish.  See no. 4).  Instead say something along the lines of “I was looking for a challenge that would quantitatively accessorize my workspace actualization.”  HR people like phrases like that.

And there you have it. In short. Lie.  Lying is always good.  And it might quantitatively accessorize your workspace actualization!


5 Responses

  1. Matt says:

    If I had only know these handy tips before!

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt.

    I wish I had published this earlier so I could have helped you. Don’t I always look out for my readers?

  3. Well, maybe job security is all that inportant after all. Now, where exactly can I find this HR representative?

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    JCF, JCF, JCF: Do not give into temptation. Sure the HR representative may be young, hot and stacked but remember your dignity!

  5. Lol

    Best advice ever mate. Gotta remember these points.

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