The Gospel According to Barack Obama (Part XVII)

The Kingdom of redistribution is at hand!

And Barack being come out of the White House went away.  And his disciples in the mainstream media came to shew him the buildings of Washington D.C.

And answering, said to them:  Do you see all these things? Amen I say to you there shall not be left here a stone upon a stone unless the Republican party stops its war on women and gives 30-year old college students access to free birth control.

And when he was sitting in a diner eating a cheeseburger his disciples in the mainstream media came to him saying:  Good Lord Obama, tell us when shall these things be?  Normally I’d receive a message on my blackberry telling me about it but my mailbox is over the limit and I can’t receive emails on it anymore.  And the useless idiots at the help desk won’t increase the size of my mailbox.

And Barack answering, said to them:  Take heed that no man seduce you, unless it be I.

For many will come in my name saying, I am the son of redistribution.

And you will hear of wars on women and rumors of wars on women, poor and minorities.  See that you not be troubled.  For women, the poor and minorities will always vote Democratic as long as we give them free stuff like birth control, free medical care and arugula for their diets.

Now all these are the beginnings of sorrows in a land without cradle-to-grave socialism.

And you shall be hated by all nations for my name’s sake.  This is the fault of Bush.  

And because the Republican party has abounded, the charity of  many will grow cold.  

But he that shall persevere to the end, he shall be saved by redistribution.

And this gospel of socialism shall be preached to all the Blue states (for I have given the red states up to their own iniquity and capitalism), and then shall the consummation begin.

When therefore you shall see the abomination of desolation receiving the Republican nomination:  he that readeth let him understand.  Except in California where test scores are so low they probably can’t read anyway.

Then they that are in Washington D.C., let them flee to Georgetown.

And he that is on the housetop, acquired through Freddie Mac, let him not come down to take anything out of his house, which is worth nothing anymore anyway.

And he that is in the field, probably Mexican, let him receive free birth control.

And woe to them that are with child, and that give suck in those days.  For they should have used the free birth control I shall have provided.

But pray that your flight be not in winter.  For high speed rail doesn’t work well when the tracks are covered in snow.

For there shall be great tribulation, such as hath not been seen from the beginning of the world until the time Oprah and Michelle got into a fight.

Then if any man shall say to you:  Lo, here is Obama, or there, do not believe them.  Only believe them if you see a lot of Secret Service looking for hookers.  For they shall have been provided with free condoms.

For there shall arise false prophets of redistribution on Fox news, and shall show great signs and have great ratings, insomuch as to deceive (if possible) even the elect inner party cadre of socialists.

Behold I have told it to you, beforehand.  And I am a constitutional scholar.  And smart.  Not like people say.

If therefore they shall say to you: Behold he is in the deserts of Nevada partying with Harry Reid, go ye not out.  For the road will already be shut down by the Secret Service.  Behold he is in the closet.  No truth to the that rumor.  I am not into Pakistani men.

For as lightning cometh out of the east, and appeareth even in the west:  So shall also the coming of the Son of Socialism be.

And immediately after the tribulation of those days, the sun shall be darkened because of climate change.

And then shall appear the Son of Socialism on The View: and they shall see the Son of Socialism coming with much power and a majestic Secret Service convoy to shut down many streets.

And he shall send his ministers in the mainstream media: and they shall gather together his elect from Georgetown to the very ends of Washington D.C.

Amen I say to you, this generation SHALL NOT PASS until Gandalf battles a balrog.

Heaven and earth shall pass, but my words of redistribution shall not pass….the House which has a Republican majority.

Watch ye therefore, because you know not what hour your lord Obama will come.

And there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.  Because they didn’t have free dental coverage.

[To be continued.]


3 Responses

  1. “For there shall arise false prophets …”

    What do you cal a fake of a fake? I’m confused!

  2. innominatus says:

    Smokey Bear says only you can prevent forest fires. I say only you can mash the Bible, Tolkien, and Mario Puzo into one blog post and make it work. Awesome.

  3. There will be plenty of weeping and gnashing of teeth if obugger wins another term, and contrary to leftist belief, it won’t be just on the right side.

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