John Edwards' Penis Found Not Guilty

 John Edwards’ penis will walk free

After nine days of deliberations the jury in the campaign finance fraud trial of former senator and presidential candidate John Edwards who was accused of diverting campaign funds to his mistress found his penis not guilty on one count and deadlocked on the other counts.

Speaking on the steps of the courthouse after the verdict was delivered a clearly relieved Edwards talked about the stress he and his penis have gone through during the trial.

This case should never have gone to trial.  The government had no case against me or my penis.  We both have suffered because of the government’s vindictiveness.

After addressing the lack of substance in the prosecution’s case Edwards went on to talk about his and his penis’ moral failings.

While I have been found innocent of a crime that does not mean that I or my penis are innocent.  There was an awful lot that was wrong.  I have to take personal responsibility.  No one else is responsible for the sins of my penis.  I am responsible.  These are moral failings and my penis should be held responsible.

Edwards also talked about the future for his penis.

I don’t think that God’s through with my penis.  There are still some good things that my penis can do.  There are still two America’s in this country.  One for the rich and one for he poor.  My penis can still help the poor.

Political analysts who watched Edwards’ press conference say that he is positioning his penis for a possible comeback.  Said one:

Clearly Edwards thinks that is penis is not through, that his penis still has a future in the public eye.  I think he’s in denial.  His penis is toxic now.

Another analyst disagreed.

Edwards’ penis is still personally very popular.  I would not be shocked to see it one day run for office again.

Meanwhile in further bad news for his penis, former mistress Rielle Hunter is publishing a memoir about her time together with Edwards entitled, “What Really Happened.  John Edwards.  His penis.  Our Daughter and me.” Speaking to reporters Hunter said:

I am glad that John was found not guilty.  The though of his penis in jail was too much for me.  His penis gave me a daughter remember.  And to imagine it fighting off felons in the prison shower made me cry.  A penis like that should be free.  Born free. As free as the wind blows.  As free as the grass grows. Born free to follow John’s penis.

Lifetime Networks has announced that a movie about Edwards’s penis will be made called “Thrusting for the Poor.”

The role of Edwards’ penis will be played by Edward Furlong.



3 Responses

  1. “Thrusting for the Poor.” is ure to be a ball, I mean block buster.

  2. “The role of Edwards’ penis will be played by Edward Furlong.”

    Well, Edward Furlong is kind of a dick, so…

  3. Lol

    That’s a really funny post Infidel, thanks for the laugh.

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