In what can only be described as a calculated political act, President Obama murdered American icon Betty White at Camp David today.

The tragic train of events were put in motion when President Obama invited Ms. White

to spend the weekend at Camp David.  A thrilled Ms. White accepted immediately.

“I haven’t spent the weekend with a president since the time JFK and I were holed up at his estate in Florida” White told her friends.

Unbeknownst to Ms. White, President Obama had other plans.  Reacting to the wide-spread derision that accompanied the release of a photo of the President skeet shooting, White House aides decided that another photo op was necessary to make Obama appear more masculine and drive home the fact that yes, the President does indeed use a shotgun and enjoys it.

After much brainstorming it was then decided that a photo was to be released of Obama shooting someone.  But who?  Beating out a list of ten, Betty White was chosen for the honor.

“Everyone knows who she is” said an Obama aide.  “And she’s old.  We could spin it as reducing the deficit.  Instead of a death panel, our manly President would do the job himself.”

Arriving at Camp David Ms. White was led onto the shooting range where President Obama, shotgun in hand, was waiting for her.

“President Obama I am so honored to meet you” Ms. White exclaimed upon seeing Obama.

President Obama silently sized her up before telling an aid, “Yeah, I can kill her.”

““Ms. White” the President said, moving closer to her,

I am Barack Obama and this is my shotgun. There are many like it.  But this one is mine. My shotgun is my best friend.  It is my life.  And I will use my shotgun to kill you.  Your death at my hands will be a great honor.  Now…….run!

Confused at first as to what was happening, Ms. White stood motionless.  It wasn’t until President Obama winged her with his first shot that she started running.

After running approximately 50 yards an exhausted Ms. White collapsed and begged for her life.

“Please Mr. President.  I’m an old woman!”

The President stood over her, his face a steely-eyed heat seeker of death.

“And I hate old women” he replied before emptying the shotgun into White.  After she was verified as dead President Obama posed for pictures with the corpse, even holding her head and giving the thumbs up in one photo.

The photos were immediately released to the media who hailed them as magnificent examples of President Obama’s manliness.

“Thrilling” said CNBC.

“It made me feel like a man again” said Piers Morgan of CNN.  “And believe me it takes a lot to make me feel like a man.”

“His compassion and manliness made me quiver like a schoolgirl” said Margaret Low Smith, Senior Vice President for News at National Public Radio.

Because of the positive reaction to President Obama’s killing of Betty White, Presidential press secretary Jay Carney promises more murders in the future.

“President Obama cares about our deficit.  Because of Republican obstruction in the House the only way for him to accomplish this is to kill old people.”

Breaking news:  Former Yankee catcher and well-known old person Yogi Berra has gone into hiding.

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Greetings from the Department of Homeland Security.  We in the Department take the responsibility to protect Americans seriously.  That is why in the wake of the Newtown shootings we have provided our citizens with this handy set of instructions on how to survive an active shooter scenario.

At some point in your career as an office worker you shall be faced with the horrifying scenario of gunshots and fallen coworkers.  What do you do?  You are unarmed (as you should be.)  How do you defend yourself?  Do not despair.  If you follow these easy steps you stand an excellent chance of surviving to see another office shooting.

• At the first sound of shots take cover!  Do not attempt to engage the shooter.  Hiding under your desk is an excellent option.  If you are a manager you will already have experience hiding under your desk.
• To protect your hiding place lock the door of your office.
• After locking your door it is recommended that you block it with heavy furniture.  If you do not have heavy furniture available Rosie O’Donnell will do.
• If Rosie O’Donnell is not available perhaps a really heavy object, such as a Burger King milkshake can be used to block the door.
• If you do not have an office we recommend that you take some courses at your local community college to further your education.  That is, if you survive.
• Remain quiet.  Silence your smart phone.  Even the vibration setting can give away a hiding position.
• If you do not have a smart phone but still have a blackberry, well forget about silencing it.  You probably deserve to die.
• Resist the temptation to call a loved one. What would you say anyway besides the usual “I never loved you and I slept with your sister.”  I mean, really.  Save it for Jerry Springer.

But, you may be saying, what if I cannot hide? What if I am caught out in the open during an inevitable office massacre?  What do I do?

No problem.  Just grab a pair scissors and fight back!

• Approach the shooter with the scissors held above your head.
• Or come at the shooter with the scissors held at waist level and with your other hand beckon the shooter to approach you.  We personally think this looks cooler.  But the choice is yours.
• When in your opinion you are close enough to the gunman shame him by saying, “This is a gun-free zone!  Stop in the name of the progressive movement!”
• Once you say this the shooter, whose motives at this point are unknown to you (but who are we kidding we both know he’s a right-wing gun nut tea bagger) will drop his weapon.  He may even start crying.  This is normal.
• Kick the gun away.  Try to ascertain if it is an assault weapon. Assault weapons generally look meaner than normal weapons.

But, you may be saying, what if this doesn’t work?  What if the racist, tea bagging gun nut with the mean-looking assault weapon still insists on shooting me?

No problem.

His bullets may have pierced your body, but you have pierced and shamed his soul by demanding he respect the gun-free zone.  Besides, with the Affordable Health Care act you have insurance.  You had better have insurance or we will visit you in the hospital and fine you.  That is, if you survive.  If you die we will fine your closest relatives.

We hope the preceding information will help you survive your office shooting.

If you find this helpful we suggest you visit our web site for other handy tips such as “What to do when you are at Smith & Wollensky Steakhouse and have forgotten your wallet” and “Closing time at the bar and still haven’t gotten a free drink? Blame Israel!”

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In the week since Barack Obama was sworn in to his second term in office a scandal has rocked Washington D.C.  Known as Lip Synch Gate or Beyonce Gate this scandal threatens the economic recovery begun under President Obama’s watch.

I came to Washington with the intent to discover all the facts.  But that sounds like hard work.  So in the best tradition of the mainstream media I have decided to make the whole thing up.  Hey, don’t question me!  I’m a reporter!  I am a member of the elite!

And the facts I have made up are shocking and reveal that the scandal goes way deeper than any alleged lip synching.

The facts are these:

A woman, purporting to be Beyonce, purportedly sang the national anthem live at the inauguration.  But my undercover investigative work has revealed the following:

Beyonce did not sing or even lip read at the inauguration.  Beyonce was in fact in Brooklyn that day berating her staff for daring to look her in the eye.  So who did sing and/or lip synch at the inauguration?  None other than Susan Boyle (pictured here)

actually sang at the inauguration.  Said Ms. Boyle, “I was honored.  I just wish Jay-Z didn’t keep trying to stick his tongue down my throat.”

However, upon digging further into this incredible scandal I have discovered that Susan Boyle did in fact not sing or lip synch at the inauguration!

The part of Susan Boyle was actually played by Rutherford B. Hayes (pictured here)

Said Mr. Hayes, “I was honored to sing.  You know, not many people know I have a great set of pipes.  I just wish President Obama didn’t keep asking me if I wanted to go to the dog barbeque after the inauguration.”

However, I was not prepared to let the “fact trail” end there.  Upon more investigation I discovered that Rutherford B. Hayes was not at the inauguration.

The part of Rutherford B. Hayes was played by none other than Julius Caesar (pictured here)

Said Caesar, “I was honored to sing at the inauguration.” 

When asked what he liked most about the 21st century Caesar responded, “You’ve made great advances in hair replacement technology. Seriously.  I was getting tired of my comb-over.  Especially when it’s windy.”

Unfortunately the truth does not stop here.  I have discovered more shocking details in Lip Synch Gate (details the cowardly MSM will not report.)

According to my findings the part of Julius Caesar was played by a Neanderthal man (pictured here)

I tracked down the neanderthal man in question and he told me this:  “I was happy and honored to sing at President Obama’s inauguration.  I just wish Lindsey Graham would stop telling me he loves bears.”

As shocking as this is, dear readers, the truth does not end there.  The truth ends with this discovery:

The part of the neanderthal man was played by a single cell amoeba (pictured here)

I tracked down the single cell amoeba at his beachfront home in the Hamptons and he had this to say:

I was honored to sing at the inauguration and dispel many of the myths surrounding my people.  We amoeba’s, though single cell, are actually quite sophisticated.  Unlike the Irish.

And there you have it readers.  The real story behind Lip Synch Gate.

However, the final word must be Chuck Schumer’s (pictured here)

who told reporters that, “I never knew a single cell amoeba could have such a fine ass.”

May the truth always win out.

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Yet another Friday is upon us.  Friday.  Or as we like to call it at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel, “just another joyless day filled with crap.”  And in the spirit of joyless crap we now present yet another horoscope.

Aquarius (Jan 21-Feb 19)

Mercury in your sign will help you get straight to the point today.  Unfortunately mercury in your bloodstream will also mean itching, burning or pain, skin discoloration, swelling, desquamation, loss of hair, teeth and nails, transient rashes, muscle weakness and increased sensitivity to light.  The consumption of fish is by far the most significant source of mercury poisoning.  Face it.  You’re Gollum, you freak.  So go chase after your “precious” and leave normal folk alone.

Pisces (Feb 20-Mar 20)

You seem a bit fearful at the moment. This is totally understandable seeing as how you are about to be attacked by a man suffering from loss of hair, teeth and nails who has a pronounced sensitivity to light.  He will probably try to bite your finger off in an attempt to get his “precious.”  You have no idea what a precious is and in a misguided attempt to help him will direct him to the “titty” bar down the street. You will live the rest of your life guilt-stricken as you pick up the paper the next day and see the headline, “Four strippers have fingers bit off.”

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Don’t get annoyed if you have to change your plans at the last moment.  It is probably a good thing if you change your routine, seeing as the sword you are carrying has just turned blue, meaning Orcs are near.  Your change in plans shouldn’t affect your social life, as you have none.  Everyone knows you are the socially maladjusted loner who carries a sword with him.  Police have already profiled you as a potential serial killer.

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

Adopt a confident attitude today.  After all, it’s not like you are some maladjusted loner who always carries a sword with him.  You have actually known the touch of a woman.  Granted, it was in a crowded subway car and she maced you but technically you did know the touch of a woman.  Your new confident attitude will work wonders with the ladies.  They need not know that you live with your mother and she still breastfeeds you or that your best friend is an elf.

Gemini (May 22-June 22)

Your conclusions about another person’s motive could be wrong.  Maybe your friend actually does want to return the ring of all power to Mt. Doom. Oh who am I kidding.  He’s going to use it for his own selfish reasons.  You should consider killing him in his sleep and framing some sword-carrying idiot for the crime.  Then sell the ring on eBay.  Just make sure you don’t sell it to an Aquarius suffering from hair loss and sensitivity to light.

Cancer (June 22-July 23)

According to the planets your rivals are waiting for a chance to make you look bad.  So don’t trust anybody.  Especially that stupid fat hobbit who is your traveling companion. Send him on his way and continue your journey on your own.  What could go wrong?  Nothing!  Well except for that giant spider who will capture you and spin an icky gooish web around you.  Just be lucky you don’t live with your mother like that Taurus moron you know.

Leo (July 24-Aug 23)

Something needs to be brought into the open.  Just not your penis.  Especially not your penis as that would violate your parole.  You will decide to go hiking today and while in the forest will be picked up by some talking trees.  Convinced that you have finally gone insane you will spend the rest of your life in your bedroom, a shattered emotional wreck.  Your emotional state will not be helped by the tree that keeps poking its head in your window and saying, “The Ents are going to war! It is likely that we go to our doom.  The last march of the Ents.”

Virgo (Aug 24-Sept 23)

You must stop chopping all that wood.   What?  Are you an idiot?  I don’t care if you are the head of your Order and bear a striking resemblance to Christopher Lee.  You risk pissing off the talking trees. Seriously.  Do you want the grouchy old talking trees that have no women to flood your tower and collapse it?  Your lucky number is “seriously stop chopping down the forest.”

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 23)

Keep your emotions in check and stop hitting on the niece of King Theoden of Rohan.  I mean look at yourself.  You’re a hairy dwarf and she’s royalty.  And she has some nondescript accent.  Probably Australian or New Zealand.   Doesn’t matter.  All those Limey wannabe’s sound the same.  Just own up to your same-sex attraction to the blonde elf and you’ll be much happier.

Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 22)

If you want other people to back what you are doing, stop melodramatically yelling “You shall not pass” at every freaking opportunity.  I mean get over it.  It was cute at first, what with your staff and all but it wore thin pretty quickly. Also, chances are pretty good that today you will be killed by a Balrog. I’m sorry.  I probably should have told you that first.  Oh well.  Sucks to be you.

Sagittarius (Nov 23-Dec 21)

If you sit back and wait for good things to come your way chances are an Aquarius will bite your fingers off.  And you don’t want to go through life without your fingers, do you?  Even sword-carrying socially awkward loners who live with their mothers will consider themselves superior to you.  So get off your butt and join the rest of your friends on their dangerous journey.  Though the chances of you surviving are slim.  You will probably be shot with an amazing number of arrows before you die. I mean a freaking amazing number of arrows.  The first five or ten will seem like nothing to you.  But by the time the 20th arrow pierces your skin you will wonder why you couldn’t die quickly like the idiot who was killed by the Balrog.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 20)

You cannot please everyone but you can please yourself.  And you should please yourself.  Just not in public as societal conventions still prohibit that.  Oh what the hell.  Let your freak flag fly. Who knows.  You just might find yourself in a threesome with a dwarf and an elf.  Just make sure those pervert talking trees don’t get involved because it’s been awhile since they’ve seen a woman and who knows what they are capable of.

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In the wake of the Newtown massacre many asked “When will this happen again?” and “Let’s stop school shootings!”  I suppose such sentiments are normal.  But in my capacity as a member of the mainstream media let me pose this question:  Have you considered the many benefits of a school shooting?  For there is much to be gained by one.  Let me detail the advantages.

• Everyone gets to talk about their feelings. 

In the immediate aftermath of a school shooting, with the carnage and blood there will be an understandable need to ask oneself:  “How does this effect me?”  Indeed the death of 20 or so classmates is an excellent opportunity to get in touch with ones feelings.  For feelings are nothing to be ashamed of.  Who knows, you might even prove how sensitive you are by crying.

Like eating a heavy Mexican meal while downing twelve beers and then attempting to defecate, it will be painful at first.  But keep pushing and grunting.  Once those feelings make it past the blockage they will flow freely.  As the song from the ’70s says;

Feelings,
Wo-o-o feelings
Wo-o-o feelings
Again in my heart

Feelings,
Wo-o-o feelings
Wo-o-o feelings

• Grief counselors!  Grief counselors!  Grief counselors! 

This is related to the previous point.  After all, who are you going to talk to about your feelings?  A family member?  A friend?  That would be  irresponsible.  They aren’t even professional feeling interpreters.

In the immediate aftermath of a shooting grief counselors will be dispatched to your school.  This is an excellent opportunity to talk to someone accredited by the American Psychological Association.  Delve into your feelings of abandonment, self-loathing and shame.  If you don’t have them, they will find these feelings for you.  A school shooting is a great time for you and your grief counselor to ask this question:  “Why do bad things always happen to me?  And could I have prevented the shooting?” 

Yes, technically that is two questions but isn’t it time we abandoned the European tyranny of math?

• You’ll be on TV!  And this will make you important!
  

At the first sound of shots television crews from around the nation will converge on your school.  As you are being led out a back door you have an excellent opportunity to be interviewed by a journalist.  Your face will be plastered across the nation!  Just remember which network interviewed you so you can watch it when you get home.  Remember to tape it.  That way you’ll have a memory of how important you were, if just for one brief shining moment.

• Television reporters are people too! 

Being a television reporter is a lonely job.  Weird hours.  Traveling all the time.  Days and weeks away from loved ones forcing one to engage in short-term sexual liaisons.  And sometimes the “suits” at the network will try to cut costs forcing a reporter to travel economy instead of first class.  It’s a hellish life.

But a school shooting is a great way for a stressed-out overworked reporter to get an Emmy.  Remember:  Reporters are people.  Sometimes two, depending on whether they are pre-op or post-op.

And there you have it readers.  Some of the many benefits of a school shooting.

1. Feelings!
2. Grief Counselors!
3. TV!
4. Give the Tranny an Emmy! 

See you at the next massacre!

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