Fresh off their moving experience at Super Bowl XLVII, the National Football League today announced that it has signed the Sandy Hook Children’s Choir to an exclusive contract.
“Seeing these children like this sent chills down my spine” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.
The crowd reaction to the kids was amazing. Of course they might have been reacting to Jennifer Hudson. I mean, what a babe. But having the kids there got me thinking. What if we could have them perform every year? So I signed them to an exclusive contract. Sure we are exploiting these poor kids who probably want nothing more than to get on with their lives. But the NFL will soon be balls deep in lawsuits from former players with brain damage and we could use some good publicity.
Once signing the children Goodell was struck with horrifying fact that the kids will continue to grow during the next 20 years.
“And who wants to see Sandy Hook adults? Not that moving” he said.
After thinking it over Goodell announced that the children will not be subject to the NFL’s drug testing program.
“We are immediately putting the kids on anti-human growth hormone.”
By putting them on anti-human growth hormone treatments it is hoped that the children will remain the same size for the next 20 years.
According to Goodell, “Naturally we will have to be sure that they aren’t cheating.”
We will be checking their pubes regularly. If we see pube hair we know they’ve been taking anti-anti-human growth hormone. This will lead to punishment. Hey, actions have consequences and the kids will have to learn discipline. Also, their heights will be measured. If any kids have grown they will be put onto an “anti-rack” for purposes of shrinking them.
As to why the male children in the choir aren’t simply castrated, Goodell says the NFL is still actively looking into that option.
Look, if we have to chop them off we’ll chop them off. But at the moment we’d rather not. I’ve only met one castrated male and that was Joe Buck. The man freaks me out. So if we don’t have to do that to the children we won’t.
As for the Sandy Hook children themselves, many seem confused and anxious about their new-found fame.
“I just want to go home and be with my mommy” said one crying child.
She was immediately silenced by Goodell.
“Shut the f*ck up and quit your whining. It’s for the children!”
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Fighting for space to stand on the graves of the Sandy Hook victims? Obama and the MSM showeed the way.
It was either this, or TLC was going to sign them to a reality show. For once, I think Goodell did the right thing.
Duuuuuuuuuuuude, not cool Infidel. Joe Buck was not castrated.
He never had any junk to begin with.
Jim: So cynical. Don’t you trust our MSM?
Inn: You bring up a valid point.
Shamus: I think we can agree on one thing: If Joe Buck ever had junk, it was always worthless.