Drone Strike Takes Out C3PO!

 C3PO stares in horror at his imminent demise

Protocol Droid C3PO was killed in a drone strike in the mountains of Afghanistan yesterday, a Department of Defense spokesman has revealed.

C3PO, who was traveling as a good-will ambassador was taken out just before dawn during a prescheduled drone attack.

“We had good intel that a high value target was at this location, so we got the President’s approval” said Lt. General Curtis M. Scaparrotti, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

C3PO’s death was confirmed through software and hardware analysis of the corpse.

As to why C3PO was targeted, despite his official cover as a goodwill ambassador there were concerns that he had “gone native”  and was actively helping the Taliban fight coalition forces.

“He (C3PO) had stopped communicating with his handlers in Washington” said Scaparrotti.

This and certain other, shall we say, suspicious actions on his part convinced us it was time to take him out.  He was incommunicado.  We had him on a tape calling us the evil empire and that the Islamic Republic must live forever.  So basically he was a traitor.  We had him cornered several times but every time the President authorized a drone strike some lower lever officer would say “This isn’t the droid you are looking for” and stop the strike.  It was frustrating. But I’m glad we finally got him.

Convinced finally that they had him President Obama was informed at Camp David, where he was skeet shooting with his family.  When informed that C3PO was cornered, President Obama gave his approval and then pulled a deck of cards out from under his jacket and drew an “X” through the card that had C3PO’s image on it.

“One more enemy of America killed. Now let’s continue our skeet shooting” said the President before shooting his wife.  Accidentally.

The Pentagon has a high definition video of the actual strike which it showed to a few select reporters.  C3PO is shown leading a caravan of Taliban fighters.  As the drone strike is launched, C3PO can be seen looking up into the sky and saying, “The chances of successfully surviving a drone strike are 725 to 1.”

As the Taliban scattered one was heard to beg C3PO to stop the strike.  He responded with “Surrender is a perfectly acceptable alternative in extreme circumstances. Allah may be gracious to -“ before being taken out.

With everything devastated within a 50-yard radius is was time for the Special Forces to move in to collect and verify C3PO’s remains.

“It was him” said the commander of the Special Forces team.  “He had a bald, shiny gold head.  So it was either him or Bruce Willis with mercury poisoning.”

R2D2 is reported to be hiding out in Libya.

“We’ll get him too.  It’s only a matter of time” said Scaparrotti.


4 Responses

  1. We got Obama. We don’t need no goodwill and we ain’t likely to get none anyway..

  2. innominatus says:

    Normally threepio is hard to target ‘cuz ya get a lot of glare off all those polished surfaces. But when he joined the Taliban, he really joined the Taliban – his hygiene went right to crap, and the Hellfire missile could finally get a decent lock on him.

  3. Gay robots are always the the first to go native.

    Watch out for Bumblebee to be named as Al-qaeda’s second in command.

  4. Matt says:

    Whiny bitch had it coming.

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