In the week since Barack Obama was sworn in to his second term in office a scandal has rocked Washington D.C.  Known as Lip Synch Gate or Beyonce Gate this scandal threatens the economic recovery begun under President Obama’s watch.

I came to Washington with the intent to discover all the facts.  But that sounds like hard work.  So in the best tradition of the mainstream media I have decided to make the whole thing up.  Hey, don’t question me!  I’m a reporter!  I am a member of the elite!

And the facts I have made up are shocking and reveal that the scandal goes way deeper than any alleged lip synching.

The facts are these:

A woman, purporting to be Beyonce, purportedly sang the national anthem live at the inauguration.  But my undercover investigative work has revealed the following:

Beyonce did not sing or even lip read at the inauguration.  Beyonce was in fact in Brooklyn that day berating her staff for daring to look her in the eye.  So who did sing and/or lip synch at the inauguration?  None other than Susan Boyle (pictured here)

actually sang at the inauguration.  Said Ms. Boyle, “I was honored.  I just wish Jay-Z didn’t keep trying to stick his tongue down my throat.”

However, upon digging further into this incredible scandal I have discovered that Susan Boyle did in fact not sing or lip synch at the inauguration!

The part of Susan Boyle was actually played by Rutherford B. Hayes (pictured here)

Said Mr. Hayes, “I was honored to sing.  You know, not many people know I have a great set of pipes.  I just wish President Obama didn’t keep asking me if I wanted to go to the dog barbeque after the inauguration.”

However, I was not prepared to let the “fact trail” end there.  Upon more investigation I discovered that Rutherford B. Hayes was not at the inauguration.

The part of Rutherford B. Hayes was played by none other than Julius Caesar (pictured here)

Said Caesar, “I was honored to sing at the inauguration.” 

When asked what he liked most about the 21st century Caesar responded, “You’ve made great advances in hair replacement technology. Seriously.  I was getting tired of my comb-over.  Especially when it’s windy.”

Unfortunately the truth does not stop here.  I have discovered more shocking details in Lip Synch Gate (details the cowardly MSM will not report.)

According to my findings the part of Julius Caesar was played by a Neanderthal man (pictured here)

I tracked down the neanderthal man in question and he told me this:  “I was happy and honored to sing at President Obama’s inauguration.  I just wish Lindsey Graham would stop telling me he loves bears.”

As shocking as this is, dear readers, the truth does not end there.  The truth ends with this discovery:

The part of the neanderthal man was played by a single cell amoeba (pictured here)

I tracked down the single cell amoeba at his beachfront home in the Hamptons and he had this to say:

I was honored to sing at the inauguration and dispel many of the myths surrounding my people.  We amoeba’s, though single cell, are actually quite sophisticated.  Unlike the Irish.

And there you have it readers.  The real story behind Lip Synch Gate.

However, the final word must be Chuck Schumer’s (pictured here)

who told reporters that, “I never knew a single cell amoeba could have such a fine ass.”

May the truth always win out.

(644)