Greetings from the Department of Homeland Security.  We in the Department take the responsibility to protect Americans seriously.  That is why in the wake of the Newtown shootings we have provided our citizens with this handy set of instructions on how to survive an active shooter scenario.

At some point in your career as an office worker you shall be faced with the horrifying scenario of gunshots and fallen coworkers.  What do you do?  You are unarmed (as you should be.)  How do you defend yourself?  Do not despair.  If you follow these easy steps you stand an excellent chance of surviving to see another office shooting.

• At the first sound of shots take cover!  Do not attempt to engage the shooter.  Hiding under your desk is an excellent option.  If you are a manager you will already have experience hiding under your desk.
• To protect your hiding place lock the door of your office.
• After locking your door it is recommended that you block it with heavy furniture.  If you do not have heavy furniture available Rosie O’Donnell will do.
• If Rosie O’Donnell is not available perhaps a really heavy object, such as a Burger King milkshake can be used to block the door.
• If you do not have an office we recommend that you take some courses at your local community college to further your education.  That is, if you survive.
• Remain quiet.  Silence your smart phone.  Even the vibration setting can give away a hiding position.
• If you do not have a smart phone but still have a blackberry, well forget about silencing it.  You probably deserve to die.
• Resist the temptation to call a loved one. What would you say anyway besides the usual “I never loved you and I slept with your sister.”  I mean, really.  Save it for Jerry Springer.

But, you may be saying, what if I cannot hide? What if I am caught out in the open during an inevitable office massacre?  What do I do?

No problem.  Just grab a pair scissors and fight back!

• Approach the shooter with the scissors held above your head.
• Or come at the shooter with the scissors held at waist level and with your other hand beckon the shooter to approach you.  We personally think this looks cooler.  But the choice is yours.
• When in your opinion you are close enough to the gunman shame him by saying, “This is a gun-free zone!  Stop in the name of the progressive movement!”
• Once you say this the shooter, whose motives at this point are unknown to you (but who are we kidding we both know he’s a right-wing gun nut tea bagger) will drop his weapon.  He may even start crying.  This is normal.
• Kick the gun away.  Try to ascertain if it is an assault weapon. Assault weapons generally look meaner than normal weapons.

But, you may be saying, what if this doesn’t work?  What if the racist, tea bagging gun nut with the mean-looking assault weapon still insists on shooting me?

No problem.

His bullets may have pierced your body, but you have pierced and shamed his soul by demanding he respect the gun-free zone.  Besides, with the Affordable Health Care act you have insurance.  You had better have insurance or we will visit you in the hospital and fine you.  That is, if you survive.  If you die we will fine your closest relatives.

We hope the preceding information will help you survive your office shooting.

If you find this helpful we suggest you visit our web site for other handy tips such as “What to do when you are at Smith & Wollensky Steakhouse and have forgotten your wallet” and “Closing time at the bar and still haven’t gotten a free drink? Blame Israel!”

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