21 Mar 13

All Your Bank Accounts Are Belong to Us!

All your bank accounts are belong to us!

All your bank accounts are belong to us!

U.S.Department of Treasury

Washington D.C.

From the office of the Secretary of the Treasury, Jacob J. Lew

Good afternoon American bank account holders!

By now you’ve probably heard of a minor scuffle in Cyprus involving the taxation of bank accounts of ordinary citizens.  Many of you may be concerned and are asking yourselves, “Can something like this happen in the United States? My deposits are insured by the FDIC, correct?  I won’t one day wake up and find 20 percent of my savings gone will I?”

You really should stop watching Fox News!

Rest assured the Department of the Treasury and/or other agencies of the United States government have no intention of taking anyone’s bank account.

Let me say that again.  We have no intention of “taking” anyone’s bank account.

However, let’s parse the word “take” for a moment.  Take implies illegal confiscation and/or downright theft.  So, no, the Department of the Treasury has no intention of being involved in the “taking” of anyone’s bank account.

For it must be said that as an agency of the government anything we choose to do is, Ipso facto, legal.  The Supreme Court of this land has already ruled that the power to tax is unlimited.  Therefore, when we take money from your bank accounts it will be a perfectly legal and constitutional tax.

I don’t need to remind our citizens that our country faces economic challenges.  We are deeply in debt and need to raise more money to maintain our level of spending.

Unfortunately Republicans in congress have blocked our attempts to raise revenue.  Therefore we have no choice but to resort to the aforementioned legal and constitution measure of taxing all your bank accounts.

It’s for the children.

After the massacre at Newtown we wisely passed at state and Federal level gun confiscation policies.  We are also in the process of arming local, state and Federal law enforcement with a variety of guns and assault weapons to provide for the safety of all Americans.

This costs money.  And that is why we are proud to announce a tax on all bank accounts of American citizens.

You are no doubt saying, “I support the government and want to help.  How much will I be taxed?”

If you make more than 100,000 a year your bank accounts will be taxed 25 percent.  This is quite reasonable.  You don’t need the extra money anyway.  At some point you have to ask yourself if you’ve already made enough money.

For those making under 100,000 per year your bank accounts will be taxed at 15 percent.  Again, quite reasonable and painless.

Remember.  It’s for the children.

Be compassionate.

All your bank accounts are belong to us.

You have no chance to have your accounts not taxed.

Make your time.

For great justice!

Department of Treasury

1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW

Washington, D.C. 20220

(937)

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20 Mar 13

The Dictionary of Barack Obama

 It is through words that we express our meaning, bitches.

We here at the worldwide headquarters of Manhattan Infidel pride ourselves on our knowledge of words.  For words are the medium through which we communicate.  The wrong choice of words can lead to misunderstanding.  Like the other night at the bar when I asked the college girl if she would like to touch it.  She misunderstood me.  Hence the taser.  Perhaps a different choice of words would have resulted in a different outcome.  I’ll never know.  Especially now that I’ve been ordered to stay 50 feet away from her.

What was I talking about?  Oh yes.  Words.  As as service to my readers who may be confused by the happenings in Washington  I now present the Official Dictionary of Barack Obama.

Bilateral

adj.

  1. Being forced down the throats of Republicans.
  2. To forcibly make one’s political enemies grovel.
  3. An agreement one makes to avoid being called a racist.

For example: The bill to  to raise taxes and confiscate guns was a bilateral agreement.

Republican

noun.

  1. A party of elected officials who really wish they were cool like the Democrats.
  2. A racist.
  3. A self-loathing person who deep in his heart wants to be a Democrat and will vote for Democratic policies whenever he gets the chance.

For example:  The Republican cried when he realized he was not invited to the Democrats’ part that had all the Hollywood celebrities.  He felt shame and promised to vote Democratic so his Democratic friends would think he was cool.

Teabagger

noun.

  1. A racist.
  2. A person who wants lower taxes and enjoys resting his testicles on your chin.
  3. A racist.

For example:  The Teabagger put on his Klan hood and burned a cross on a person of color’s front lawn.  He did this because he wanted lower taxes as a way of keeping the black man down.  And after burning the cross he will rest his testicles on your chin.

Boehner

noun.

  1. Bitch.
  2. Personal bitch.
  3. One who bends over frequently.

For example:  Man did you see the way that Boehner folded? He gave me everything I wanted.  I’m going to make him mine and he’s going to love it.

One man one vote

  1. A phrase used in certain sections of the United States, frequently rural, “red” states where a man votes once and only once.
  2. An anti-democratic principle.
  3. Used by racists to keep minorities in their place.

For example:  We all have one vote.  This will disenfranchise minorities since the white man outnumbers them.

The Chicago Way

  1. American values at their finest.
  2. Standard operating procedure for the Democratic party (see definition no. 1)
  3. Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

For example:  You wanna know how to get the Republicans?  They pull a knife, you pull a gun.  He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of theirs to the morgue.  That’s the Chicago way.  And that’s how you get the Republicans!

Vacation

noun.

  1. A period of pleasure, rest or relaxation.
  2. Something all Americans do 40-50 weeks a year.
  3. Any excuse to play golf!

For example:  Being President is hard.  Those Republicans are racist.  I deserve a vacation.  I think I’ll jet off on Air Force One to Hawaii.  Lots of good golf courses in Hawaii.

Debt

noun.

  1. Something owed, such as money.
  2. A good thing.
  3. Frequently opposed by racists.

For example:  Yes, we are 16 trillion dollars in debt but only a teabagging, racist Republican would think this is a bad thing.  Debt is good.  I mean, I’ve never held a private job or taken a course in economics but it’s all good.  Right?

And there you have it readers.  The dictionary of Barack Obama.  Hopefully this brief sampling will help you to make sense of the goings on in Washington.

(1036)

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19 Mar 13

Right Angles Declared Racist

 Right angle? Or Klan member?

The teaching of right angles will be dropped from the curriculum of America’s public schools after it was announced that they are considered “racist and not in keeping with mainstream American values.”

Declared DNC chairperson Debbie Wasserman Schultz:

If President Obama’s election and reelection have shown anything, it is that it is time for America to move beyond its racist days of slavery, Jim Crow, Ku Klux Klanism and Republican party policies.

Pressure had been building for years to stop teaching about right angles.  Two years ago Michael Mulgrew (pictured here)

Math is hard and right angles are racist!

of the United Federation of Teachers told a group of teachers that

The teaching of the so-called doctrine of the so-called right angle is something we are looking to stop.  The angle declares itself right, which means it is racist, which means it is Republican.  Besides.   Math is hard.

Also opposed to the teaching of right angles are various gay groups who are alarmed by the “straight angle” created by a right angle.

The AIDS coalition to unleash power (ACT UP) has announced plans to demonstrate wherever right angles are taught.  Said a member of the organization’s Action Committee:

Right angles cause AIDS.  No money for Math!  Money to fight AIDS.

They have also declared their intention to protest wherever right angle are found, whether man-made or the result of nature.

Did you know that most of the street corners in Manhattan are right angles?  And we are supposed to just stand back and let this happen?

The right angle for his part defends himself.

Come on?  Seriously?  I was discovered by Euclid.  A Greek.  Live and let live I say.  I have no hidden agenda.  I’m simply an angle that bisects the angle formed by two halves of a straight line. That’s all.  Besides, wouldn’t children benefit from knowing all of Euclid’s Elements?

Despite its impassioned defense, activists look forward to the day when right angles will be shunned and consigned to the dustbin of history.

“This is just the beginning” said one activist.  “Today the right angle.  Tomorrow the straight line.”

It is time for all mathematical theorems to get with the program.  No longer will they be allowed to terrorize us with their objective truth.  They must serve the state and its ideology.

Attempts to reach the straight line to comment on this article were unsuccessful.

No doubt because it was participating in the patriarchy.

(2390)

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18 Mar 13

Mayor Bloomberg Bans 32-Ounce AIDS Cocktails

 mayor Bloomberg will ban this!

As part of his war against obesity Mayor Bloomberg announced today that 32-ounce AIDS cocktails will now be unavailable in New York City.  At the press conference announcing his measure Bloomberg expressed concern over the waistlines of AIDS sufferers.

“Why do you need to drink a 32-ounce AIDS cocktail anyway” said the mayor.

You’re not going to have any fun with a 32-ounce cocktail.  That’s lots and lots of sugar. And that’s bad for the waistline.  And as AIDS sufferers I don’t have to tell you that your waistline is very important.  You can still have 16 ounce cocktails.  And if you want to buy two I guess you can but that wouldn’t be fun either.  Or, it is my hope, you can just decide not to take cocktails and instead use your private jet to go to the Bahamas and lie in the sun.  Now that’s a healthy lifestyle.

The reaction to Bloomberg’s ban was swift.  The American Medical Association (AMA) praised the mayor for his proactive approach to the health of New York’s citizens and issued a statement that said:

We in the AMA support Mayor Bloomberg 100 percent in his war against AIDS obesity.  As doctors and a members of the AMA the thing we care most about is the health of Americans.  And protecting the interests of the AMA.  But mainly the health of Americans.  As long as it protects the interests of the AMA.

However, opposition to the Mayor’s ban was just as intense with critics slapping their palms against their foreheads followed by exclamations such as “stupid” “asinine” and “WTF”.

“Doesn’t this idiot even understand that the AIDS cocktail is just an expression” said one HIV positive critic.

“We aren’t drinking sugary cocktails” said another.  “We are downing 20 or more pills a day and living with the side effects.”

Bloomberg seemed unfazed by the criticism of his anti-obesity measure.

“These people can always choose not to have AIDS” he said.

A spokesman for those taking AIDS cocktails called Bloomberg “The biggest jackass the world has ever known.”

Bloomberg responded by saying that, as mayor, it is his job to keep New Yorkers healthy.

He then jetted off to an undisclosed location for some sugar-free sun.

(628)

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15 Mar 13

Bert Murdered; Ernie in Custody

Bert before his untimely demise

Popular television personality Bert was found dead today in the house she shared with his good friend Ernie.  Police have arrested Ernie and charged him with homicide.

From a distance the Bert and Ernie story seemed like a rare Hollywood success story:  A stable, long-term relationship.  But upon closer inspection a seedy underside came into focus.

“Ernie was a wild child” said a friend who knew them both.

And he was never going to be satisfied with just one muppet lover.  Bert didn’t like this.  But he tolerated it because he didn’t want to lose Ernie.

The situation between the two grew worse over the years.  Ernie had developed an addiction to the seedy underbelly of muppet culture. Specifically he had developed a sexual fetish for cartoon characters.

“He had some sort of master/slave thing going on with Foghorn Leghorn” said Barnyard Dawg, a professional associate of Leghorn.

I mean I would see Foghorn limp into the office on Monday morning with fresh welts all over his body.  I asked him what happened and he would just light a cigarette and say “Why don’t you mind your own business!”  But I knew Ernie had roughed him up pretty badly.  

Ernie also was prone to violent episodes.

“He used to beat Bert up” according to a close friend.

I asked him why he put up with it.  Why didn’t he just leave?  He was a smart, handsome, successful muppet.  Surely he could have done better?  Surely he could have met someone who would treat him with the respect he deserved?  Bert would just sigh and say, “You don’t understand.  Ernie has his good side too.”  And then he would cry.

Ernie had recently been diagnosed as HIV positive, prompting Bert to ask him to stop sharing their bed and move into the guest bedroom.  Enraged, Ernie’s violent behavior became worse.  Police dispatchers began to log frequent domestic violence disputes at their residence.

“We showed up once” said an L.A. policeman “and Ernie was holding a knife and shouting, ‘You don’t f*cking throw me out of our bed!’ “

We calmed down Ernie and then asked Bert if he wanted to press charges.  Bert refused and in fact begged us not to arrest Ernie.  He said it was simply a misunderstanding and that it was all his fault.  So we left.  We knew eventually Bert would end up dead but what could we do?

The end finally came one evening during an argument over dinner. Bert, distressed that Ernie had once again not come home until morning, reached his breaking point and informed him that he was ending their relationship.  It was at this point that Ernie repeatedly stabbed him in the throat and back.  Ernie then drove himself to the nearest precinct and tearfully turned himself in.

He is currently under a suicide watch.

Sesame Street has cancelled production for a week out of respect for Bert’s memory.

(3886)

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14 Mar 13

Church Elects White Hispanic!

Will this white Hispanic uphold church teachings? Or will he do the right thing?

Despite being an Irish Catholic as a member of the mainstream media it is sometimes my duty to bravely take a cold, hard, objective look at world events.  And the election of a new Roman pontiff is no exception.  Yes readers, it was painful to do this.  Some say I am being brave.  Remarkably, extraordinarily brave.  And I’d have to agree with them.  But my credibility as a reporter demands that I do so.  I love President Obama. He’s so dreamy!

And so reader readers as part of my sworn duty to ask difficult questions I now ask the difficult questions no one else will ask.  Well, except for CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS and ABC.  But not the cowards at the Eternal Word Television Network. Yeah, Mother Angelica, I’m looking at you.

  1. Pope Francis is a man.
  2. Pope Francis is a Christian.

The above two points are telling.  Does the “Church” believe that electing a Christian male is an act of an inclusive society? A tolerant society?

Isn’t it about time we had a female Pope?  What about a Jewish Pope?  What about a Muslim Pope?  Why not a female Jewish Pope who converted to Islam? If the “Church” did this it would truly send a signal to the rest of the world that inclusiveness and diversity are not just empty words long words Manhattan Infidel finds difficult to type.

  1. Pope Francis is from South America
  2. Pope Francis is Hispanic.

A native of Argentina who is Hispanic?  On first glance this must be a man who loves social justice and socialism.  But upon digging deeper Wikipedia is very handy sometimes into all the available evidence a disturbing pattern emerges.

For you see, Pope Francis is opposed to abortion.  And how can not allowing Hispanic women to empower themselves by aborting their fetuses help Hispanics rise out of the poverty that is their natural condition?

Is Pope Francis a White Hispanic? Is this a case of George Zimmerman redux? Does Pope Francis carry a gun?  Should black people be alarmed at his election?  Will he order Cardinals to shoot blacks on sight?  Is this the start of a pogrom?

Yes, the facts that I have uncovered are disturbing.  For apparently this so-called Pope Francis intends to uphold Catholic doctrine.

I have other questions for this backward white Hispanic that need to be answered:

  1. Will he relent on celibacy?  For it has been proven (the science is settled, unlike my breakfast Monte Cristo sandwich) that celibacy leads to pedophilia which leads to global warming which leads to climate change.  And that’s a bad thing.
  2. Will Pope Francis help the Falkland Islands defeat their British oppressors?
  3. Will Beyonce sing at his inauguration?
  4. Will the Church yield to the gay, black, socialist transsexual agenda?
  5. Will he use his admittedly compromised moral authority to order Republicans to bring back tours of the White House?
  6. Will he order the arrest and/or execution of Sarah Palin.  If not why? He says he believes in social justice.
  7. As a Latino he probably practices Voodoo.  Will he use his Wiccan beliefs to make the Church more inclusive?
  8. Has he ever read my blog?  Will he start reading it?  Will he click on the ads so I can get paid by Google?

Yes readers.  As painful as it is for me as a Catholic to ask these question, they bravely must be asked and answered.  I solemnly promise my readers that, despite the personal pain it gives me, I will continue to ask the difficult questions.  I will ask the questions no one else asks. (Well except for CNN, MSNBC, NBC, CBS and ABC.  But not the cowardly Eternal Word Television Network.)

Mother Angelica, are you a white Hispanic?

You know, sometimes my bravery surprises and inspires me.

(683)

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13 Mar 13

My Exclusive Interview with John Kerry

 Republicans are the greatest threat to America today!

Being a member of the mainstream media grants me access to some of the most important movers and shakers in America today.  And with that in mind I am pleased to welcome our honorable Secretary of State John Kerry to the pages of Manhattan Infidel.

MI: Welcome Secretary Kerry.

JK:  Mombo dogface banana patch.

MI:  What?

JK:  Mombo dogface banana patch.  I gave you the sign.  What’s the countersign?

MI:  Um.  I don’t know.  You’re clearly insane?

JK:  Yes.  You are correct.  It’s a good think you knew the countersign.  You can’t be too careful.  America has many enemies.

MI:  That it does.  And as the Secretary of State your job will be to protect us from our enemies.  Who do you think is the greatest enemy of America today?  North Korea?  China?  Syria?

JK: Congress.  Specifically the Republicans in congress.

MI:  You’re joking, right?

JK:  I am serious.  Look at what Republicans believe in – they deny the settled science of climate change.  And if I don’t have to remind you that if sea levels rise 80 feet or more in the next month my vacation home will be underwater.  But I realize it’s my job to negotiate with our enemies.  So in good faith I will ask the Republicans in congress to give up all they believe in.

MI:  But what about the North Koreans?

JK:  Not a threat to us.

MI:  Seriously?

JK:  We could learn a lot from the NoKo’s – NoKo – that’s short for North Korean.  It’s diplomatic speak.  All the smart people say NoKo.

MI:  I don’t.

JK:  That’s because you’re stupid.  As I was saying we could learn a lot from the NoKo’s.  Have you ever seen a fat NoKo?

MI:  No.  

JK:  Exactly.  

MI: That’s because they’re starving.  They’re eating grass.

JK:   A vegetarian diet.  I recommend it.

MI:  You are insane.

JK:  Mombo dogface banana patch!

MI:  I already gave the countersign.

JK:  There’s a new countersign.

MI:  I – I don’t know the new countersign.

JK:   Saigon… shit; I’m still only in Saigon… Every time I think I’m gonna wake up back in the jungle.

MI:  I don’t follow you.  You’re not in Saigon.

JK:   I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn’t even know it yet. Weeks away and hundreds of miles up a river that snaked through the war like a main circuit cable plugged straight into Kurtz. It was no accident that I got to be the caretaker of Colonel Walter E. Kurtz’s memory any more than being back in Saigon was an accident.

MI:  Are you even listening to me?

JK:  How many people had I already killed? There were those six that I knew about for sure. Close enough to blow their last breath in my face.

MI:  Focus on me.  Focus on me.  You’re not in the war anymore.

JK:   Everyone gets everything he wants. I wanted a mission, and for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service. It was a real choice mission, and when it was over, I never wanted another.

MI:  Should I let myself out?

JK:  Never get out of the boat!  Never get out of the boat! They were gonna make me a Major for this, and I wasn’t even in their fuckin’ army anymore.

MI:  I’ll just let myself out.

JK:  My mission is to make it up into Cambodia. There’s a Green Beret Colonel up there who’s gone insane. I’m supposed to kill him.

MI:  Bye.

JK:  Someday this war’s gonna end.  That’d be just fine with the boys on the boat. They weren’t looking for anything more than a way home. Trouble is, I’d been back there, and I knew that it just didn’t exist anymore.

And that concluded my interview with our troubled Secretary of State.  You do understand readers that my interview with John Kerry does not exist, nor will it ever exist…….

I love the smell of the internet in the morning.  Smells like victory.

(563)

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12 Mar 13

Manhattan Infidel’s Rountable Discussion

 Roundtables increase the idiocy

Over the years at Manhattan Infidel I have had the pleasure of interviewing many figures one on one but today I will have the my first ever roundtable discussion.

Joining me in the roundtable will be Morrissey, Straight men make me cry! Jim Carrey, Catholics are bad people! Mayor Michael Bloomberg Ban stryofoam! and a horse. Out of the depths I cry unto you!

MI:  Good day to you all gentlemen.

Morrissey:  I weep for the Earth.

JC: You have no soul!

MB:  I can have you banned!

Horse:   It’s always a pleasure.

MI:  The rules of the roundtable are simple.  I will propose a topic and you chime in when you have something to say.  Okay.  Topic no. 1.  Thomas Aquinas gave five proofs for the existence of God.  Did he prove his case?

[Silence]

MI:  Anyone?  Anyone want to comment on this?

[Silence]

MI:  Anyone?  Okay, moving on to topic no. 2 – 

JC:  Was Aquinas Catholic?

MI:  Yes he was. 

JC:  Soulless sexuality denying bastard!

MB:  Did Aquinas drink 32 ounce Big Gulps?  Did he use Styrofoam?

Morrissey:  I don’t know who he was but I feel sad.

Horse:  I think he proved the issue.

MI:  Horse, do you mind amplifying your answer?

Horse:  Sure.  I think Aquinas –

Morrissey:  Excuse me.  Did I tell you I was sad?

MI:  Please, let the horse finish.

MB:  Why are you sad?  From indigestion?  Indigestion from drinking 32 ounce soft drinks?  32 ounce soft drinks delivered in Styrofoam?

Morrissey:  I’m sad because of all the straight men in this world. Straight men cause war.  If more men were homosexual there would be no wars.  Because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men.

MB:  If we can only get all the straight men to stop using Styrofoam perhaps they wouldn’t kill each other.

JC:  I bet you Catholics use Styrofoam, those sexuality denying sick f*cks.

MI:  Gentlemen I must insist on the proprieties at all times.  Do not interrupt the horse.

Horse:  Thank you.  I – 

MB:  Horse, are you familiar with Styrofoam?

Horse:  Yes.  Sometimes in the field I see discarded Styrofoam.  People shouldn’t litter.

Morrissey:  I bet it was a straight man who littered.  They do this before they kill.

JC:  Probably Catholic too.  Catholics litter because of the sickness in their souls from denying human sexuality.  Jenny McCarthy told me so.

MB:  If elected to a fourth term I promise to ban straight, Styrofoam-using Catholic men.  I can do that.  I’m the Mayor.

Morrissey:  Oh Mayor Bloomberg if only you weren’t straight.  I’d cry for you.

MI:  Okay I see this was a mistake.  This roundtable is going nowhere.  Horse, would you like to have this discussion elsewhere?

Horse:  I’d love to but right now I have to go mount a few fillies.  I’m officially out to stud you know.

MI: Maybe some other time then.

JC:  Horse I like you.  I like your free sexuality.  Obviously you’re not Catholic.

Morrissey:  Too bad you’re straight.  I cry when I think about the wars you’ll start.

MB:  If you see any Styrofoam when you’re mounting a filly could you do me a favor and put it in the trash?

MI:  Okay I’ll just leave now.

JC:  Yeah, get out of here you sick, sick demented soulless Catholic.

Morrissey:  War monger!

Horse: Hey can anyone tell me where Sarah Jessica Parker hangs out? I want to mount that filly.

Note:  My first attempt at a roundtable was obviously unsuccessful.  But maybe the participants just didn’t have the chemistry.  I’ll try again another time with different players ~ Manhattan Infidel.

If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men. – See more at: http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Hollywood/2013/02/26/morrissey-straight-men-war#sthash.b4I131b6.dpuf

If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men. – See more at: http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Hollywood/2013/02/26/morrissey-straight-men-war#sthash.b4I131b6.dpuf

If more men were homosexual, there would be no wars, because homosexual men would never kill other men, whereas heterosexual men love killing other men. – See more at: http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Hollywood/2013/02/26/morrissey-straight-men-war#sthash.b4I131b6.dpuf

(1453)

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11 Mar 13

My Exclusive Interview with Juan Williams

 It was the best of times it was the worst of times

As a responsible journalist pay me to lie for you I often get a chance to talk with my fellow journalists about important issues of the day.  And so in that spirit I am pleased to introduce to my readers Fox news contributor Juan Williams.

MI:  Juan, it is a pleasure to have you here.

JW:  First off punk call me Mr. Williams.  And where is “here”, exactly?

MI:  Why in the pages of my blog.

JW:  Oh.  You’re just a blogger?  You’re just a blogger?

MI:  I like to think that blogging, and the new technology of the internet, has helped in the transmission of ideas and knowledge.

JW:  You disgust me you blogging pig.  You’re not even worthy to hold my bathwater.  I’m Juan Williams. Serious journalist.

MI:  Okay.  If you want to go down that road.  Let’s talk about your past.  You supported Clarence Thomas against Anita Hill.

JW:  It was a high-tech lynching.  That’s why I supported him.

MI:  I see.  So it was just a coincidence that at the time you supported him several female employees of the Washington Post filed sexual harassment charges against you?

JW:  [Pause]  The Republicans have declared war on women.

MI:  So there was nothing to their charges?

JW:  Some of my verbal conduct was wrong.  I now know that.  But in my defense I like big butts I cannot lie.

MI:  Moving along.  Let’s talk about your most recent controversy.  You have been accused of plagiarism. Specifically you took almost word for word a report from the Center for American Progress and put it into one of your columns.

JW:  Okay, okay.  That is just false.  False information that Republicans, white Republicans, have given out. 

MI:  So what is your explanation?

JW:  It is the fault of my researcher, a young man.  He took the information from the CAP and put it into my column without my knowledge.

MI:  Wait. So you admit your don’t even write your columns?

JW:  It’s standard practice with serious journalists. We never write our columns.  

MI:  Really?  I write everything in my blog.

JW:  Well, I suppose writing is okay for lowly bloggers such as yourself.  But I’m a serious journalist.  Writing is beneath me.

MI:  Wow.  I didn’t realize that. 

JW:  That’s because you are a lowly blogger.

MI: Yes, you already said that.  So what’s next for Juan Williams, serious journalist?

JW:  I’m writing a book.

MI:  You’re writing a book?

JW:  I’m sorry.  I meant my assistant, a young man, is writing it for me.  Because I don’t write.  I’m a serious journalist not like you, a  – 

MI:  Yes, yes, I know.  A lowly blogger.  Tell me about the book.

JW:  Well I don’t know much about it since as I said I’m not writing it.  My assistant, a young man, is writing it for me.  But apparently it’s about this man named Captain Ahab and his search for a white whale.

MI:  You just described the classic novel by Herman Melville called “Moby Dick.” 

JW:  Classic novel?  I wouldn’t know.  I’ve never heard of it. I’m a serious journalist.  As I said, my assistant, a young man, is writing it for me.  

MI: So what’s next for you?

JW:  I’m traveling to Gettysburg Pennsylvania to deliver a speech.  I call it the “Gettysburg Address.”   Would you like to hear it?  Four score and – 

MI:  Seven years ago.  Yes.  We’ve all heard it.  Are you kidding?  That’s Lincoln’s speech.  It’s a classic.  He delivered it in 1863. You’re plagiarizing again.

JW:  Really?  So you’re saying it’s been done before?  I wouldn’t know.  I didn’t actually write the speech.  My assistant, a young man, wrote it for me.

MI:  Right.  Well that about wraps up this interview.

JW:  You should ditch the blog. Become a serious journalist like me.  I’ll introduce you to Lena Dunham.  You know she’s got junk in the trunk.

MI:  Did you write that yourself?

JW:  No.  My assistant, a young man, did.  

MI:  Right.

JW:  I like big butts.  I cannot lie.  Did you know the Republicans, a party of white men, have declared war on women?

MI:  I’m out of here.  I have to write a post for my blog.

JW: You are so beneath me.

And so I left Juan Williams because, unlike Mr. Williams, I am not a serious journalist.  I sometimes have to write my own material.

(696)

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8 Mar 13

E-Trade Baby Enters Rehab

 Oh god I just pooped my pants!

The baby made famous in the the E-Trade commercials has entered rehab, citing an addiction to “poop” brought on by “stress and dehydration.”

“It’s true” said the baby’s agent.

My client is going through a very rough patch in his life right now.  The stress of his career, the fame, all this came on too quickly for the young tyke.  We should all pray for him and for a quick recovery.

The E-Trade baby, known professionally as “Cacca pee pee”  had shot to fame with a series of Superbowl commercials.  Answering an open casting call he impressed everyone immediately and was given the job.

“He was a natural for the part” said the director.

We looked at a lot of babies that day.  Probably hundreds.  But this kid was great. I mean the way he crapped his diapers, it’s like he was born to do it.  And he didn’t mind doing extra takes.  It was almost like he enjoyed crapping in his diapers.  The kid must be a method actor or something.

With the success of the commercials came the inevitable temptations of superstardom.  The E-Trade baby began hanging out with a fast and loose set.  “Pooping parties” became a nightly event at his place.

“All the hip people wanted to poop with him” said one attendee.

It was instant status.  Man if you were lucky enough to get an invite you went heavy on the Mexican food that day just so you’d be able to poop during the party.

But soon his personal life began to catch up with him.  He began showing up late to the set.  His erstwhile professionalism began to wane.

Once we had to send everyone home and shut down production because he couldn’t remember his lines. 

He became difficult to deal with, according to one prop master who worked with him.

I gave him a bottle of milk once and he took a sip and threw it at me.  He said, “What is this shit?  Is this skim milk?  You f*cking gave me skim milk you motherf*cker?  You’ll never work in this f*cking town again.  I want the real stuff.  Not this f*cking pansy ass skim shit!”  Then he grabbed hold of my assistant’s nipples and started sucking.  I mean I can’t blame him.  I’ve thought about sucking on her nipples too but I’m a married man.

The E-Trade baby will be in rehab for the next eight to 12 weeks.  His part in the commercials has been recast.  Veteran character actor Abe Vigoda will now play the baby.

“He was available.  He was cheap.  And he has issues with incontinence” said an E-Trade representative.

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